Hoshi wo Taguru Pt. 10

“Huh…”

“I’ll go help,” Subaru insisted. “I probably can’t do anything more than just cleaning and such though.”

“But, it’s such a small bar… I’m okay by myself. You should just rest. Thank you for the food.”

Judging from the way that Tokizawa’s gaze kept wandering about and not meeting Subaru’s eyes, it seemed like Tokizawa wasn’t quite eager to let Subaru help out. It’s true that Tokizawa was probably okay on his own. The space was indeed quite narrow, so perhaps Subaru would only be in the way.

But Subaru said he wanted to go simply because he was interested.

“Would I be in the way if I went?”

“You wouldn’t be in the way…” Tokizawa’s eyes widened as he shook his head.

“Then I’m going.” Subaru one sidedly decided.

“Okay then.” Tokizawa nodded with a pitiful, slightly troubled face.

They hurriedly got dressed and left the apartment.

Last night, they both took a taxi to get back to Tokizawa’s apartment, but on the way to the bar, they took the subway. The travel time using the train was short, and they only had to transfer once. Tokizawa’s bar was actually extremely close to the station. As Tokizawa went to open the door to the bar, he looked back at Subaru, “Um, if you get sleepy, it’s okay to go back,” Tokizawa reminded Subaru, assuring him that it was really alright.

“I’ve slept a lot. I’m fine.” Subaru insisted, shaking his head. He took Tokizawa’s refusal literally.

The bar was the same as the previous day. The black stools were neatly lined up. The only difference was that Tokizawa was not standing in the middle behind the counter. Although, compared to last night, the interior looked even more plain.

“What do you usually do first?” Subaru asked as he looked around the narrow bar. Tokizawa responded as he put his bag behind the counter. “Cleaning, I guess.”

“Is there anything you need to buy?”

“There might not be enough lemons. I always get them delivered but I forgot last night,” Tokizawa replied.

“I don’t know where any of the stores are so you should go instead,” Subaru suggested, “I’ll stay here and clean.”

“No you don’t have to. You can sit down.”

“Why do you think I came here? Just go already,” Subaru insisted.

Tokizawa was left rather speechless as Subaru quickly put the stools up on the counter. As Tokizawa tried to reach out his hand, Subaru interjected, as if he was trying to drive Tokizawa away.

“Where are the cleaning supplies? What order do you do them in?”

“”I…in the storehouse next door…” Tokizawa stuttered, “Umm, first sweep, and then mop. And then dust the counter. The duster is over there.”

“Okay. I’m gonna make this place sparkle,” Subaru said determinedly.

After somewhat chasing him away, Tokizawa finally left the bar and went up the stairs.

Tokizawa returned with a bag of goods around the time Subaru finished cleaning the bar.

“Wow it really is sparkling…” Tokizawa’s eyes widened in surprise as he looked around the bar.

“Right!” Subaru beamed, “I also like cleaning.”

“Thank you. It’s a lot cleaner than when I do it. It looks amazing.”

Subaru wasn’t sure if he was receiving such high praise because it was actually true or because it was Tokizawa, but regardless, it felt nice to be praised like that. He smiled and patted the counter. Subaru felt proud of himself. The floor and counter did not even have a speck of dust. The sink was also polished.

“Subaru, are you tired? Do you want something to drink?” Tokizawa asked, making sure.

“I drank water earlier. Isn’t it almost time to open? It would be bad if an employee was drinking on the clock.”

“It might be a little troublesome if you were super drunk, but we’re not that strict of a bar. What do you want?” Tokizawa offered Subaru a drink.

“Okay then….”

As Subaru was about to leave it up to Tokizawa, the bell rang and the door opened. A person who appeared to be a male customer peeked their head inside.

“Ah, good evening. Welcome.” Tokizawa greeted.

“A-Kun! Happy New Year~~”

Tokizawa bowed to them in a manner that suggested he was quite used to this customer. The man who came in happily shook Tokizawa’s hand.

“Welcome,” Subaru also followed suit and bowed. The man blinked his eyes real fast as he looked at Subaru up and down. Even in the dim lightning of the bar, Subaru could see that the man was wearing makeup.

“Oh my, is this a new employee?”

“This is a friend from high school,” Tokizawa explained. “He’s on a trip here,and he’s staying over at my place and helping out here…” Tokizawa trailed off, and introduced the two to each other. “Subaru, this is one of my regular customers, Natsuko-San.”

“I’m Natsuko. Nice to meet you.”

No matter how you looked at it, this person who was smiling with their head tilted, was a man. They were tall and Subaru couldn’t say their body was what you would call petite. But their tone, their mannerism, and their name were feminine. They even wore makeup.

Subaru had never met a person like this but he didn’t feel any particularly strong emotion so he lightly nodded his head and held out his hand.

“I’m Tsukijima Subaru. Nice to meet you too.”

Natsuko’s eyes widened in slight surprise to see Subaru holding his hand out, but he quickly smiled again and shook Subaru’s hand. Natsuko’s nails had beautiful nail art on them.

After they shook hands, Natsuko sat down in the stool in the furthermost corner.

“What will you have to drink?” Tokizawa asked.

“ A Cassius orange please. Hey, A-Kun, is that him?”

Natsuko sat at the counter with their chin resting on their hands, talking to Tokizawa with an expression that could only be described as smirking. Tokizawa looked troubled but nodded his head vaguely. 

Tokizawa and Natsko were talking between themselves so there was no way for Subaru to join in the conversation.

Subaru stood perfectly still next to the counter. Tokizawa stood behind the counter, and it didn’t look like Tokizawa needed any help preparing the cocktail. He looked so skilled at it. Subaru was at a loss at what to do, but just then, he felt Natsuko pull the hem of his sleeve.

“Hey, if you’re free, then why don’t you sit down here and have a chat with me?”

Natsuko was a lot taller than Subaru with a rather good physique, and their hair was trimmed short. They had set features, and wore makeup, but no matter how you looked at it, they were not a woman.

However, the way they said that while tilting their head and their demeanor was very mellow and cute.

“I’m happy for the invitation but I’m currently helping out.”

“It’s okay Subaru, you can go ahead and sit down.”

“Really? Okay then.”

A confused Subaru looked up to Tokizawa’s face to see Tokizawa nodding and looked slightly troubled. Subaru headed to the other side of the counter and sat next to Natsuko.

“Excuse me.”

“Hey hey, you know, I’ve known about you for a while now.”

“Huh?” Subaru’s eyes widened as he stared at Natsuko who was still sitting with their chin resting on their hands.

“Natsuko-San, please don’t talk so much.”

“The person who decided to tell an okama a story he didn’t want leaked out is more at fault!”

Tokizawa who had just interjected weakly and fearfully completely lost against Natsuko.

Oh, so she was an okama.

Subaru hesitated to say it aloud, but Natsuko-San herself had said it, so he inwardly accepted it. 

“How did you know about me?”

“I heard about you from A-Kun! This good looking man here won’t get a girl, I thought it can’t be helped if he’s gay.”

“Ah, that.”

Subaru wondered if something like that could be decided so haphazardly.  Subaru tilted his head.

Natsuko-San continued. “So I asked him. Are you gay? And then…”

At the exact moment, Natsuko turned pointedly towards Tokizawa. 

Tokizawa had given up on trying to stop Natsuko so he was pretending not to listen by having his back to her while fervently wiping the glasses.

“He said that he’s only ever liked one person and that person is a guy so it’s possible that he is. He said it with such a serious face too. Not embarrassed at all. Isn’t that amazing. If it wasn’t some hot guy saying this then I would have been completely put off. 

“…Ugh.”

A small groan came out of not Subaru’s voice, but Tokizawa’s. Subaru kept silent as he thought that if Tokizawa was going to pretend to not listen, then he should have done it to the end. Subaru also knew that the conversation was about himself too so he couldn’t even laugh.

Amazing.

If Tokizawa could say something like that so unabashedly, that he’s only liked the same person for the last 10 years, then that means it’s his first love. Subaru couldn’t believe that someone could feel like that towards him this whole time.

“So ever since then, I thought that it would be so great if he could reunite again with the guy he liked. I really wanted to meet the guy who this handsome man pined for, for so long.”

“I see… Well I apologize that it’s someone like me.”

“What are you saying? You’re as good as I imagined!”

Natsuko said that in a very good mood as she patted Subaru’s shoulder. Subaru wasn’t quite sure what she meant, but he was glad that he wasn’t hated by a regular customer.

“Are you going to stay here from now on?” Natsuko-San asked Subaru.

“No, only for a little while.”

“Really? You should just stay here forever.” Natsuko laughed as she glanced at Tokizawa. Tokizawa gave a vague smile and continued wiping the glasses.

“…Sorry, can I step out for a smoke?” Subaru asked. “Only one.”

Subaru spoke quickly. He could no longer stand the atmosphere. 

Tokizawa was a little surprised but nodded, “Go ahead.” Subaru nodded in thanks, and quickly left the bar.

As soon as Subaru stepped out from the underground bar into the ground floor, he immediately regretted not bringing his coat and his haori. It was so cold that he felt like he would freeze, and at that moment he remembered that this was Hokkaido. Not Tokyo, not Yamaguchi. It was so easy to forget even though Hokkaido was so far away.

Subaru did search his pocket for a cigarette, but of course there weren’t any. They were never in his pocket in the first place. Subaru seldom smoked. Occasionally, when Subaru wanted to do something with his mouth or if he was annoyed about neverending overtime work and couldn’t relax, then he might have smoked one or two. But that was it.

Subaru thought that the excuse he came up with on the spot to run away out of embarrassment was a good one. They probably didn’t think he was running away.

Subaru stood among all the sparkling neon lights, looking up to the sky. He thought about what stars were visible during this time of the year. However, the sky was filled with gray colored clouds, so he could not see a single star.

Subaru felt an uncomfortable feeling in his heart as he tried to rub his hands together in order to warm himself up.

     There’s only ever been one person that he liked.

Subaru ruminated over the words that Natsuko said. He shivered, but it wasn’t from the cold.

The weight of those words felt different to hear from another person. In these past 10 years, Tokizawa held onto this love, only aimed toward Subaru, and not once looking away from it. 

Subaru weakly crouched down and held his head.

One month. Is it really okay for Subaru to be under Tokziawa’s care for that time? Was it too rash?

“Subaru.”

Subaru quickly raised his head when he heard his name called.

Tokizawa was holding Subaru’s coat in his hand with a worried face.

“Sorry… Uh… I thought you might be cold… so here.”

Tokizawa put the coat over the still crouching Subaru, and Subaru obediently put his arms inside the coat.

“Thanks.”

“No problem… Um, I’m sorry about earlier. That you had to listen to that conversation. Did you feel disgusted? I can put out a chair for you.”

Subaru felt awkward for not having anything in his hand so he averted his eyes. Subaru immediately shook his head and vigorously stood up.

“That’s not it!”

“You don’t have to take my feelings into consideration. I get it,” Tokizawa spoke.

“I said that’s not it! It’s not like that! It’s not disgusting at all!”

Subaru was trembling because he didn’t feel that way at all. He realized that at that moment.

“There’s no way I could think that. I just couldn’t handle it hearing that coming from someone else. It’s true that I ran away, but I apologize for making you feel bad or sad. I’m sorry.”

Tokizawa smiled and calmly shook his head. He spoke honestly, “When you feel better, come back inside. If you feel like you really can’t take it anymore, then you can head back first. Do you know how to get home?” Tokizawa took a key out of his pocket as he asked. He gripped the key with his fingertips and held it out towards Subaru. Subaru took the key silently. The key that had been warmed up by Tokizawa’s body heat steadily grew cooler in Subaru’s hand.

“I’ll go back. I can’t abandon you and the other customers.

“I told Natsuko-San to go home already.”

There was something sad about the key that was steadily getting colder and colder, so Subaru handed back the keys back to Tokizawa.

“Let’s go back together then,” Subaru decided.

Tokizawa made a pensive expression, and then put the keys back into his pocket.

The two of them made their way back down the long, narrow staircase. The dark sky and the bright neon lights didn’t look anything like the dim darkness of the stairs. It looked kind of like a cave, thought Subaru.