Hoshi wo Taguru Pt. 13

***

“I wonder who the person that Tokizawa likes is.”

“I have no clue, but he’s liked them this whole time right? I wonder if it’s an upperclassman?”

“I heard that a girl from the class next to us confessed, but was rejected.”
“Wow there’s still girls left to confess to him?”

“He’s already rejected everyone…”

The girls in the class were gossiping as they stood in the corner of the classroom colored by the sunset. That day, it was Subaru’s turn for day-duty, so he was in his seat writing in the class log.

It wasn’t a rare thing for the girls to be gossiping about Tokizawa, so Subaru usually ignored it, but for some reason, today, the gossip kept creeping into his ears. Subaru glanced over to them.

No one knew. No one had any idea who the person Tokizawa liked was. It was obvious why though. The person that Tokizawa liked was a man. No one had even thought to consider that.

Subaru gripped his pen and steadily wrote “Today’s Events”.

“Ah, hey Tsukijima-Kun!”

“….Huh, what?”

Subaru, who had been pretending he couldn’t hear and didn’t know anything, was suddenly called out by his classmates. He was a bit far away from them so Subaru didn’t think that they knew he was eavesdropping, but he felt a little uncomfortable so he lifted his face.

Subaru was confused to see those smiling faces looking at him.

“Tsukijima-Kun, you talk to Tokizawa-Kun a lot, don’t you? What do you usually talk about?”

They want to know something that trivial? Thought Subaru as he tilted his head. Subaru didn’t think that he talked to Tokizawa that much, but there also didn’t seem to be another person who could be considered close.

“What do you mean? We talk about normal things. Ah… like the weather and stuff.”

The conversation they had three days ago was about the weather. Basically that it looked like the rain would continue and that he wouldn’t be able to see the stars. He remembered seeing Tokizawa’s lonely looking profile as he said that.

“The weather?”

Apparently the girls thought it was funny so they laughed and said “And what else?”
“Sorry, I don’t really remember. We don’t really talk about anything important.” He said with a pained smile. The two girls were clearly unsatisfied with the response and groaned.

“But Tokizawa-Kun always looks like he’s having fun,” said one girl.

“So that’s why we wondered what you guys talked about.” The girls looked at each other as they said that. They were probably trying to show Subaru that they had no other intentions.

The only person who talked to Tokizawa about trifling things and could see his profile up close and his cheeks flush in happiness was Subaru.

Everyone knew that without even saying it. However, Subaru felt embarrassed about it being pointed out by somebody else.

“I’m jealous. I want to be friends with him too.”
“No way~ You can’t even talk to him without getting nervous.”

“Nervous? But he’s your classmate,” Subaru replied back to the girls.

“Hmmm…. You’re already friends with him so you wouldn’t understand. We get sooo nervous. It’s not like that with the other guys. No one else can speak to Tokizawa-Kun casually.” The girls lamented as they shrugged and hung their heads in resignation. Although to Subaru, it was actually Tokizawa who was always nervous. He wondered if these girls that never spoke to Tokizawa before even knew about that.

Besides Subaru, no one else had noticed Tokizawa’s true nature. They only noticed the surface. However, Subaru had no intention of clearing up that misunderstanding. Subaru didn’t want to tell anyone about what he and Tokizawa talked about.

Not too long after that, the bell rang. The girls took that as a cue to start to get ready to go home. “I guess it’s time to go home now.”

Right before the girls left the classroom, a girl turned back around as if she remembered something.

“Oh, that’s right,” she spoke to Subaru.. 

“Subaru-Kun, do you know? Who Tokizawa-Kun likes?”

“… I don’t know. Even if I knew, I don’t think it’s something that I should be telling other people.” He said gently with the slightest hint of guilt in his bitter smile.

Subaru wanted to praise himself for answering so calmly.

“You’re right~. Sorry about that. Well then, I’ll see you tomorrow!”

“Yeah! Take care on your way home.”

The girl’s footsteps sounded loud and clear in the hallway. Subaru heard their steps slowly start to get far away and it wasn’t until they completely disappeared that Subaru finally relaxed.

Now that Subaru was by himself, he once again dropped his gaze back to the class log. He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. He hadn’t been breathing properly.

Of course there’s more that I remember, thought Subaru.

About the stars, about pleiades, about the sun, about his grandmother. The secret about Tokizawa’s eyes.

No matter how trivial it was, Subaru remembered everything they talked about. But he didn’t feel like sharing any of it to other people. Subaru didn’t want anyone else to know.

Subaru felt his chest hurt. He knew this exact feeling that could easily suffocate him

It was possessiveness.

Subaru desperately tried to shake off those feelings as he moved the pen quickly.

Because it was an unpleasant feeling.

Subaru knew about Tokizawa’s feelings. But he could never reciprocate. Subaru had a girlfriend after all. And he was a man. It was cowardly to have feelings like this.

Even when Subaru talked with Tokizawa, he only spoke to him normally. He never did anything special.

From the outside looking in, those feelings were obviously far from pretty. Because of that, Subaru felt that every conversation he had with Tokizawa was ingenuine.

Subaru remembered Tokizawa’s side profile when looking at the reference book about the stars.

Tokizawa was listening to Subaru so carefully. That completely earnest side profile.

At that time, Tokizawa was just genuinely enjoying talking to Subaru. 

Subaru forcibly kept chasing away those unnecessary feelings and kept intently writing.

Once Subaru finished writing, he suddenly noticed something.

The pen he was using should have run out of ink not too long ago, but it was clearly very suddenly replaced with a new one.

“…I really wonder…”

Subaru sighed and closed the school log.

***

In the end, last night, Subaru got dead drunk and had to be carried back by Tokizawa.

When Subaru woke up, he found that he was already tucked into the futon. He hadn’t changed into loungewear but his socks and his coat were neatly folded by his pillow. Upon seeing that, Subaru scratched his head. He once again caused trouble for Tokizawa. A great big blunder.

“Ah, this is the worst.” Subaru muttered as he looked around the dim room. The curtain was still closed, and Subaru could hear Tokizawa sleeping on the other side of the partition.

Subaru stood up and headed towards the washbasin to at least wash his face.

He quickly took off his wrinkly shirt and put on a sweater and coat. Subaru grabbed his wallet and keys and quickly left the house.

Subaru hurriedly went to the supermarket that he had long since memorized how to get there. When he returned, Tokizawa was still sleeping.

Without waking him up, Subaru quietly started preparing breakfast.

Around the time that Subaru finished making the clam miso soup, which he decided to make for today’s menu, he heard Tokizawa opening the curtains.

“I think the way this is right now, I’m like your gigolo.” Subaru muttered while they were eating their late breakfast.

Tokizawa, who had just drunk some of the clam miso soup all of sudden, spit it out. 

“Ah, sorry.” Subaru apologized.

Tokizawa, choking, grabbed a tissue from the box and then promptly drank some water. When his coughs subsided, in a hoarse voice he said, “Sorry, thanks… Um, why g-gigolo?”

“Well you see, I’ve been staying at your place and I cook and clean. Sometimes I help out at your bar but on top of getting deadass drunk, I haven’t paid for anything.”

“I’ve said this before but just you cooking and cleaning is more than enough. You’re not a gigolo at all,” Tokizawa assured him falteringly as he used the folded tissue to wipe the table.

“I guess so.”

“It’s true. You’re really helping me out. I’m really happy to be eating a warm meal like this every day, since I can’t make it on my own…”

“Well if you say so.”

Subaru stared at Tokizawa who was scratching his head while slightly frowning. Despite it being bad manners, Subaru put his elbows on the table and tilted his head.

“Alright then, so what am I to you?”

“…”

It was a little bit of a malicious question. Tokizawa froze for a second, and briefly chewed on his lips as if he was troubled. After a moment, he let out a soft laugh and muttered just as softly. 

It was an expression that Subaru had never seen before.

“A f-friend.”

“I see.” Subaru nodded vaguely to that rather awkward reply. He had no confidence to smile back.

Subaru thought of clarifying once more but stopped. He realized that somewhere within him, there was a feeling of disappointment.

Subaru wasn’t sure what kind of answer he was expecting, nor did he know what was the correct thing to say.

“It’s been a while since I had a Japanese style breakfast,” Tokizawa spoke as he nodded, eyes fixed on the bowl of miso soup.

“I just realized that I’ve been here for over a week and it’s only my first time making it. I thought eating clams would be good to eat while hungover.”

“Huh, are you okay? You didn’t have to make food if you weren’t feeling well. I’m so sorry, I didn’t notice at all!”

“No no, I reap what I sow after all.”

Without smiling bitterly at the excessive reaction, Subaru asked Tokizawa if he wanted seconds. Tokizawa’s bowl was already empty.

“I-I’ll do it.”

“No, it’s fine. I can do it.”

“Sorry…”

Tokizawa reluctantly held out the rice bowl. Subaru took it as if stealing it, and stood up.

Subaru thought to himself as he refilled the rice bowl that Tokizawa had eaten it a lot faster in comparison to when Subaru makes toast, so perhaps he preferred Japanese food. There was still some miso soup left, but there was no more grilled mackerel.

“Sorry. I should have grilled another one.”

“It’s okay. Thank you.”

Tokizawa happily took the bowl of rice that Subaru handed to him and started to eat.

Subaru always got the impression that Tokizawa was a bread kind of guy so he had only been making toast. He thought of making rice starting tomorrow.

After breakfast and cleaning up, it was time for Subaru to do the chores in the house. Since the house was small, there weren’t actually that many things to do. Basically start the laundry and vacuum and that was about it. During that time that Subaru was cleaning, Tokizawa quietly worked on the account book. Subaru thought back on that first night and how Tokizawa said he’d work on his account book and then sleep and that he usually finished in the afternoon. Now he knew that those were actually lies. Subaru didn’t know whether or not Tokizawa remembered that lie, but he decided not to point it out. It was a kind lie so he intended to keep pretending like he didn’t know.

As Subaru hung the laundry, he turned back to look at Tokizawa who was still working on the table.

“Hey, if it’s not a bother, can I go and help at the bar again today?”
“It’s not a bother but…” Tokizawa said in a sort of evasive protest.

Subaru knew that Tokizawa wouldn’t say no to him. Basically Subaru wouldn’t be denied anything that he wanted to do.

Just as Subaru predicted, after a while of seeing Tokizawa hesitate, he finally gave up.

“Okay, please come.” Tokizawa lowered his head.

Even though it was Subaru who had asked to come.

“Yay.”

“You don’t have to force yourself to help out though. Ah, but… If you think it’s fun then it’s okay…”

“It’s boring being in the house all day and this sort of waiting on customers is not something I’ve done before so it’s fun. It’s refreshing to be able to talk to a lot of different kinds of people.”

“I think you’re way more suited to talk to customers than me.”

“Why?”

“You’re good at listening and talking.”

“Really? I’ve been told I’d be good at sales.”
“That was your job after all.”

Tokizawa nodded slightly. He looked a bit unsure of what to say and kept opening and closing his mouth. Noticing this, Subaru asked him, “What?” in an attempt to draw out what Tokizawa wanted to say. In an instant, Tokizawa lowered his chin and then wet his lips and finally started speaking.

“Um, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to but… Why were you not working in the astronomical field?”

“Why, you say. To put it simply, it’s because I failed. Looking at the stars was simply my hobby, it wasn’t to the point of wanting to pursue astronomy… I did try to apply for companies that made telescopes though, but in the end none of them offered a position.”

So that was what he wanted to ask, Subaru thought as he smoothly answered Tokizawa’s question. Tokizawa, on the other hand, blinked several times in shock.

“By fail, do you mean failing the interviews?”

“Yeah…. It’s not really that surprising of a thing. I applied for a few of them and failed the interviews in all of them. Just how highly do you think of me?”

Tokizawa’s eyes had widened in surprise when he heard that. Subaru took a deep breath and sighed. No one but Tokizawa put him on that high of a pedestal.

“But it’s fine. The company I worked for sponsored space related work. I thought that that was enough and it was fun to attend those sorts of events.”

“I see.” Tokizawa sighed in relief and nodded his head.

“Um, Subaru?”

“Yeah?” Subaru urged Tokizawa who wanted to say something again, with his gaze.

“Um… I have a belief that in life, good things and bad things happen at equal amounts. So I think that from now on, you’re going to have nothing but good things happening to you.”
It was a small thing to chime into the conversation, but it really did make Subaru feel that before he met Tokizawa here, he experienced a lot of misfortune. If what Tokizawa believed in was true, then Subaru wondered what kind of wonderful thing would be heading his way.

“It would be nice if it did.”