Hoshi wo Taguru

Tokizawa really thought that from the bottom of his heart, so he replied strongly, “It’ll definitely happen. It was like that for me.”

“Really? Has such a good thing happened to you?” Subaru asked, thinking Tokizawa was being mysterious. Tokizawa slowly met his gaze.

At the sight of Subaru’s expression, Tokizawa’s subtly mixed green-blue eyes softened. It was almost as if he could see the good thing for the first time. 

“Yeah.”

Tokizawa kept nodding but never once revealed what exactly this good thing was.

Based on the look in his eye and that smile, it was easy for Subaru to figure it out, but it wasn’t something to be proud of.

Meeting Subaru was his good thing.

Subaru wanted to pretend that he did not know about this good thing, just as how he had been doing since coming here. He knew he could not continue this way much longer, but for now, he let out a non committal “ah,”

 Even now, Tokizawa’s eyes were eloquently expressing his love for Subaru, just like the kind lie he told for Subaru’s sake. Tokizawa’s words showed just how strong his desire was to treasure Subaru boundlessly. Subaru knew all of this, and he knew it was insincere and unfair to act unknowingly towards any part of it. Still, he continued to pretend, unsure of how to come to terms with it all.

Tokizawa saw that Subaru wasn’t responding so he continued talking.

“Ever since I came here, I always wondered what you were doing.”

“I haven’t been living the good life that you thought I was.” Subaru responded as he finally lifted his face a little bit. Tokizawa also knew this. The reason why Subaru came here.

“Yeah… But I always thought that it would be good as long as you were living happily.

Subaru felt himself reaching his limit as he kept hearing Tokizawa’s gentle voice. He couldn’t take it anymore, so he forcibly tried to interrupt him.

“What food do you like?” Asked Subaru.

“HUH!? Ah, um, tempura…” Tokizawa replied in a confused manner after the sudden change in topic.

Subaru stood up and looked down at the still sitting Tokizawa.

“Okay I’ll make tempura for dinner today. Which one is your favorite?”

“L-lotus root.”

“Okay, I’ll make a lot of it then.”

“Um, thank you…?”

“I’ll go buy it now.”

Subaru left behind Tokizawa who had just thanked him in a confused manner, and so, Subaru ended up going to the supermarket twice today.

“I’m sorry Subaru, can I go to the storehouse for a bit? I forgot to confirm the inventory… and tomorrow is the day I have to order them.”

Tokizawa, who had just finished cleaning was absentmindedly standing around, he peeked inside the refrigerator and made a worried face and looked up at Subaru.

“Go ahead.”

“Thanks. I don’t think anyone will come yet but if a customer comes then can you let me know? Sorry.”

At the same time that Tokizawa left to go into the storeroom, the door of the bar opened. Subaru lifted his face.

“Welcome… Ah, good evening.”

Natsuko entered trying to brush off the snow on her coat. Just like yesterday, she smiled at Subaru when she saw him.

“Jeez, it’s snowing so much today. Subaru-Kun, it’s the first time you’re here two days in a row. Are you in a good mood today?”

“Aah… I deeply apologize for making you feel uncomfortable last night.” Subaru bowed deeply with a pained smile.

“Oh stop it now,” Natsuko laughed it off, “It didn’t bother me at all. On the contrary, it made me happy.”

“Happy?”

“Yeah. Because you were jealous, right?” Natsuko sat down with a face that knew it all. Subaru dropped down his confused gaze.

Jealousy. A word that Subaru resisted. However, based on yesterday’s events, it seemed like that was indeed what you would call that. 

A slightly panicked Subaru could not find the words to reply. This was the first time his actions were pointed out to him. Jealousy, envy. It was most likely that. Subaru couldn’t think of anything else that it could be.

But this was the real question.Why did Subaru have these feelings?

“I don’t know.”

“I see you’re not denying it.” Natsuko immediately replied with a smile after seeing Subaru’s desperate answer.

“…Umm, I’ll go get Tokizawa. He’s in the storehouse right now.”

“No need. Let’s just talk until he gets back. How long will you be here till?”
Natsuko realized that Subaru was trying to run away so she decided not to allow it. Subaru was glad that the topic she decided on wasn’t about Tokizawa.

“For now, it’s until the end of the month.” Subaru replied calmly. Natsuko tilted her head in an inquisitive manner.

“Oh that’s odd. Is it your company’s winter break?”
“No, actually I’m unemployed right now. I was fired at the end of year so I decided to come to Hokkaido, so that’s why I haven’t really decided how long I’ll be here.

“Is that so? I’m sorry for asking.”

That was the first time Subaru saw Natsuko making that expression. The regret of accidentally saying the wrong thing. It was a face that Subaru could greatly sympathize with. Up until now, Subaru had only seen her full of smiles. Subaru was startled to see that sort of expression on her face.

“It’s okay. To be honest, I’m not that upset about it. So please don’t worry about it.”

“Sorry about that. Thank you.” Natsuko, who had a deeply apologetic look on her face, shook her head and smiled. Subaru turned to stare at the door.

“He hasn’t come back so I’ll go and get him. I can only serve nuts after all.”

“Indeed. Go and call him.” Natsuko nodded smoothly. Relieved, Subaru left the bar.

The storehouse was next to the bar. It had a thick steel door so no sound could pass through it. Subaru opened the heavy door and peeked inside the dimly lit room.

“Tokizawa, Natsuko is here.”

“Ah, really? Sorry, I’ll head over right now.”

Tokizawa nodded in a panic and just as the door closed behind them, the cellphone that was in Subaru’s pocket started vibrating. Upon checking who it was, Subaru’s eyes slightly widened.

It was only the other day that they were still living together. Subaru wondered what she wanted. His ex-girlfriend. 

Because Subaru left Natusko behind in the bar, he had to hurry and return. Subaru went to dismiss the call,but instead accidentally pressed accept.

“What are you doing now?” She asked, not even saying who they were or asking for a name. Subaru grimaced as he could hear her voice without even having to put the phone to his ear. Subaru sighed. It wouldn’t be good if he didn’t say anything and hung up after picking it up, so in resignation, he put the small device towards his ear.

“Hokkaido.”

“What? Why? A trip?”

Tokizawa was most likely worried about Natsuko so he must have left already, thought Subaru.

Subaru walked up the stairs and out of the underground floor. Just as Natsuko said, small powdery snow was quietly falling from the sky.

“Yeah, that’s right.”

Unsatisfied with Subaru’s curt reply, she sighed heavily.

“…I told you before that I wanted to go but you never took me!”

“I also had no intention of coming here until I got sacked from my job. What business do you have for calling me right now?”

“What intention you say…I just wanted to see how you were doing…” 

Even in this final moment, Subaru was just so fed up with her talking, the way she complained over and over, and in this authoritative tone that sounded like she was trying to pull him back in. 

“…I’m fine.”

“Also, you left behind a lot of your stuff.”

“I told you, you can throw away anything left behind. If there’s anything that you’re troubled about whether or not to throw away then you can send it to my parent’s house.”

All the furniture that was in that apartment that Subaru and his girlfriend had stayed in were all chosen at her discretion so he left it all behind. When Subaru was getting ready to move out, he noticed that he had only a few things, so moving out was a surprisingly easy process.

It felt like it was such a long time ago, but in reality it had only been a week since then.

“…It’s not that that’s troubling, it’s more like, are you really not coming back?” She said, sounding really uneasy. Subaru’s eyes widened in surprise.

“What are you talking about? You’re the one who told me to leave.”

“I only said that because I was really pissed then. I didn’t think you’d actually leave! I can’t pay the rent all by myself…”

“That’s why I left 3 month’s worth of rent, remember? If it cost money to throw away the furniture then I’ll also pay for-”

“I’m not talking about that!” She yelled as if throwing a tantrum. Subaru shut his mouth and sighed.

“I didn’t think you’d actually leave.”

Subaru wondered just what kind of face she was making. Probably the face she always made when she would sulk.

When they were going out, Subuaru thought that face she made every time they would get into spats was cute. However, at this moment, his heart was not moved.

What now, Subaru thought. In the time that he was silent, his ex kept on complaining and complaining. The device in his hand was gradually getting hotter and hotter and the temperature outside was bitterly cold. Subaru wanted to go back inside. He opened his mouth sluggishly in an attempt to try to end the conversation as quickly as possible.

“…No matter what you say”

-I’m not going back, is what Subaru intended to say before the phone suddenly disappeared from his hand.

Subaru had no idea when he got there but Tokizawa was standing behind him with his cellphone. Subaru’s heart jumped as soon as he saw Tokizawa. A feeling a bit different from surprise ran up his spine. Tokizawa had an expression that Subaru had never seen before. He spoke in a tone that Subaru had never heard either.

“I won’t give Subaru back to a person who wasn’t kind to him when he was suffering.”

Subaru was frozen in place hearing Tokizawa’s words. Tokizawa returned the overheated phone back to Subaru’s hand. Tokizawa had hung up the call.

“Your voice was pretty loud and it leaked out, so I heard everything.” Tokizawa said matter-of-factly with his usual gentle voice. Subaru wanted to ask how long Tokizawa had been there and how much he had heard, but Subaru could not form the words to do so.

“I’m sorry.” Tokizawa apologized.

Subaru had no clue why Tokizawa was even apologizing but despite that, he shook his head and said, “Thank you.”

Tokizawa started going down the stairs. Subaru followed behind him.

“What did you like about your girlfriend?” Tokizawa said with his hand on the door, not looking at Subaru at all.

Subaru was standing on the second to last step. He thought for a moment before replying.

“She was a bit selfish but she wasn’t stupid.”

“I see.”

Tokizawa didn’t say anything else. Subaru also kept his mouth shut.

Tokizawa must have realized that he was troubling Subaru by asking that question.

Tokizawa’s cold tone kept ringing in Subaru’s ears. It was such a cold sounding voice but Subaru wasn’t even a little bit scared. His ex on the other hand, might have gotten frightened by it. Subaru wasn’t scared because that coldness was done in order to protect Subaru.

Before entering the store, he kept rubbing his ears with the palm of his hand. He knew there was no point in doing so, but he felt like he had to do it.

When the two finally returned to the bar, Natusko was there sitting down and playing around with her cellphone.

“Sorry for making you wait.”

“Welcome back~ What were the two of you doing?”
“We weren’t doing anything.” 

Tokizawa was the one who answered. He went behind the counter with a smile on his face and took Natsuko’s order.

Natsuko waved over Subaru to come when she saw him standing there all dazed.

Subaru silently went over to Natsuko’s side, and as if consoling him, Natsuko grasped Subaru’s hand with hers.

The hand grasping his felt hot, perhaps because he was talking for so long out in the cold. Subaru unconsciously let out a sigh.

“What happened?”
“Huh? What?”
“Hmm you seem to be making either a very surprised face or a very troubled face.” Natusko said as she tilted her head as if trying to peep more. Subaru eyes widened. Both were correct. Subaru was both surprised and troubled.

“Ah…umm…”

“What were the two of you doing?”
“We weren’t doing anything.”

It was a repeat of their previous conversation. Natsuko narrowed her eyes in disbelief and laughed.

“I heard your troubled voice, and A-Kun’s angry voice. I wonder if it’s because the stairwell resonates a lot. I didn’t intend to listen. Sorry about that.” Natsuko replied happily. Subaru was unable to respond.

“Yesterday you were in a bad mood, and you are again today.”

“…yeah.”

I thought she didn’t mind it, thought Subaru as he vaguely nodded. Natsuko patted Subaru’s head with her large and beautifully manicured hands.

Tokizawa placed a yellow cocktail in front of Natsuko.

“Please pretend that you didn’t hear the conversation from earlier.”

Natsuko, with a wry smile, laughed in a way that filled a room. “This is getting interesting.” She said happily.

Upon returning back from the bar, Subaru went right to sleep. However, he ended up waking up before his alarm rang.

The cellphone that he had placed by his pillow side had lit up with a notification. 

At first, he thought it was his ex-girlfriend so Subaru steeled himself up, only to see that it was actually a message from his mom.

Attached to the message was a picture of a baby in an incubator. His brother’s wife’s child was a girl. Since his niece was born, Subaru’s mother had been sending him pictures.

Subaru only looked at the picture and didn’t read the message that came along with it and closed it.

It’s probably just an update about her condition, I’ll read it later. Subaru thought.

Subaru felt a little cold-hearted for not thinking that his niece was cute with her still wrinkly face. He found it hard to believe that she was the same human as him.

Subaru got up and he suddenly wondered about when Tokizawa was just born. He tried to imagine how Tokizawa looked but no matter how hard Subaru tried, he wasn’t able to picture it at all.

Subaru decided that he would ask Tokizawa to show him a picture, but as soon as that thought crossed his mind, he realized something.

Tokizawa probably didn’t have any pictures. Gone, together with Tokizawa’s house.

Subaru felt very relieved that he hadn’t asked his completely thoughtless question.

Subaru pulled himself together and decided to start breakfast preparations. He folded the futon up and stood up. Subaru wondered if Tokizawa was awake already so he checked behind the partition, only to see an empty neatly made up bed.

“…Huh?” Subaru unconsciously let his voice out.

He turned around back towards the room and looked around the room. Tokizawa generally wakes up later than Subaru, but even when he does, he doesn’t open the curtains. Probably in order to not wake Subaru up. That’s why today too, the room was still dim. However, in this one room apartment, Tokizawa was nowhere to be seen.

“Tokizawa?”

There was no presence coming from the bathroom either. Nothing from the toilet either. Of course Tokizawa wasn’t in the kitchen either.

Subaru finally realized that Tokizawa had gone out. He suddenly felt like he was at a loss.

Subaru realized that since he came here, this was the first time that Tokizawa had gone somewhere by himself that wasn’t the bar.

“…Of course he goes out.” Subaru muttered to himself as he tried to calm himself down. He didn’t think this would surprise him so much. He looked at the table to see if perhaps there was some note left behind, but there wasn’t.

Subaru looked at the clock as he wondered what to make for breakfast. He didn’t realize it when checking his messages, but it was actually a lot earlier than when he usually woke up.

Realizing that, Subaru started to panic.

Where on earth could Tokizawa have gone to this early?

Early, as in, they close the bar at 3 A.M and go home to sleep and the time now is a little past 10. Tokizawa wasn’t a child so it wasn’t something to worry about.

Subaru tried telling himself that to ease some of the anxiety that was welling up in chest but he could not successfully get rid of it all. He felt as if he was a child that was left behind.

Subaru decided for the time being he would just wait by the window. He opened the curtains . Subaru noticed that there was a single taxi stopped at the entrance of the building, but soon after left. 

After a short while, the sound of a key unlocking the door permeated the room.

Caught by surprise, Subaru forgot to fasten the curtains and turned to walk to the entryway. The iron door slowly opened and Subaru could see the light brown hair that he had grown used to seeing these past few days.

As soon as he saw that color, Subaru felt relief right down to the bottom of his heart.

“Ah.” Tokizawa exclaimed in a panic after seeing Subaru there waiting for him. He quickly uncharacteristically shouted to Subaru, “Wait! Don’t open the door yet!”

Subaru wondered if there was someone else at the door, or if Tokizawa had picked up a stray cat. Subaru was taken aback and went to stand stock-still in front of the window. Tokizawa, who was standing in the doorway that was open just enough to fit his body, finally entered the room.

“Where did you go!?”

“Um…actually…Subaru, I’m sorry but can you actually go over there?” Tokizawa didn’t answer Subaru’s question and instead pointed to the other side of the partition. Subaru had a mountain of questions for Tokizawa seeing his nervous state. However, Tokizawa’s eyes were pleading with him, so in the end, Subaru complied after a sigh.

“Thank you. I’m sorry. Please wait a bit.”

Once Subaru went to the other side of the partition and remained silent. He could hear Tokizawa hurriedly running back towards the entryway.

Next, Subaru heard the crinkling of something like a plastic bag and the sound of something like paper being torn.

With nothing to do, Subaru decided to sit on Tokizawa’s bed to wait.

“…Are you ready?”

“N-not yet! Sorry!”

Subaru called out on purpose in order to rush him, Tokizawa apologized in a panic. Subaru unconsciously laughed at Tokizawa’s strange behavior. Subaru changed his position from sitting on the bed to laying down on it.

“Hurry up already!”
Subaru had no clue what Tokizawa was doing, but he had a feeling it was something fun waiting for him. His anxiety from earlier had completely disappeared without a single trace and now he was excited. The disparity of emotions was almost as if he had returned to childhood.

“Sorry for making you wait. You can come out now.”

“I was just about to fall asleep.”

“Sorry…”

They both chatted through the partition. Subaru pretended that it had been a waste and he peeked his face around the partition. His eyes quickly found a foreign object on the dining table. Subaru’s eyes widened in surprise.

“What’s all this?”
“Uh, um, happy birthday!”

It was small but it was indeed a birthday cake enshrined on the table. The cake was decorated with glossy red strawberries, and whipped cream that was whiter than snow. There was also a chocolate plate that read, “Happy Birthday Subaru-Kun”.

Subaru only realized that it was his birthday when Tokizawa said so. At this point, Subaru had completely lost track of the days and that included his birthday.

“S-Subaru?”

Tokizawa glanced at Subaru who was at a loss seeing the cake on the table.

With a start, Subaru said, “Ah nothing,” and then looked back.

“Sorry, I was just surprised… but yeah today is my birthday isn’t it. Thank you.”

“Did you forget?”

“I’ve lost track of the days. You know, because I’m unemployed.”

“Jeez…” Tokizawa responded to Subaru’s bad joke with an exasperated groan and pointed towards the other white box.

“I also ordered catering so don’t worry about cooking today. Also…”

Tokizawa moved in a restless manner. This time, Tokizwa took something out from the paper bag that was by his feet. He handed Subaru a big box that was wrapped with wrapping paper and a ribbon.

“I got you a present too. Will you accept it?”
“You even prepared a present for me?”

“Yeah. Um if it’s no trouble.”

“Oh my god. I haven’t had this sort of orthodox type of birthday party in so many years… this is amazing. I’m so happy. Thank you.”

Subaru took the box from Tokizawa very carefully. Tokizawa smiled very happily. His usual white cheeks were now lightly tinted with red and smiling happily. The long fingers that had been carefully holding the box shook slightly in the box’s absence.

“Can I open it?”

“Yeah, of course.”
Subaru pulled on the ribbon before Tokizawa finished answering, untying itself smoothly. The glossy ribbon quickly lost its shape and gently fell to the floor. At first, Subaru had intended to nicely open the package, but midway through he lost all restraint and tore the paper open.

And inside the box, was a magnificent looking home planetarium.

“I thought that maybe you already owned one, but I couldn’t think of anything else…” Tokizawa muttered as he looked down in embarrassment. Subaru shook his head vigorously.

“I don’t have this one, but this is the one I’ve always wanted! I have a small one but I could never get a big one like this. I’m so happy! I’ll take really good care of this,” Subaru said happily as he held the box in his hands.

Tokizawa nodded his head and smiled,“Thank you.”
“Why are you the one saying thank you? That should be my line.”

“It’s because you said you’d take good care of it. I’m happy that you accepted the gift and will take good care of it.” 

Subaru was surprised to hear how genuinely happy Tokizawa was.

“Your birthday has already passed,” Subaru muttered while looking at the picture on the box as he mindlessly patted the smooth box.

“You know when my birthday is?” Tokizawa finally lifted his gaze and he exclaimed in surprise. His face was still red.

“I know it. It’s December 2nd, right?” Subaru declared as he stared fixedly at Tokizawa.

“….Ah.” Tokizawa gasped in surprise.

Tokizawa always remembered Subaru’s birthday for the past 10 years so why couldn’t he.

“Every time that day came, you would always be carrying a huge amount of paper bags and boxes.”
“You remembered that…?”

“I remember. I think yours was way easier to remember than mine. I’m actually wondering how it is that you remembered mine.”
“S-Sorry, it must make you feel grossed out.”

“…I never said that.” Subaru denied in a low voice after getting sullen at the sudden self deprecating remark. Tokizawa seemed to shrink. It seemed exhausting for Tokizawa to be reacting to Subaru’s every single emotion. Subaru let out a small sigh, and took out whatever was in the box.

“Can I turn it on now?”

“Yeah, of course.” Tokizawa nodded countless times and hurriedly looked around the room for a nearby big back and he picked it up.

“Um, I don’t know much about this kind of stuff… but I was told that there was also software that goes along with it, so I bought some as well.”

Tokizawa reached into the bag and pulled out another small but wrapped package. The cover of the software case had illustrations of the four seasons and the other night skies.

“This many? Oh my god. Hang on one second. Let’s go turn it on over there,”Subaru said.
“Okay.”

They both moved over to the living room and placed the planetarium on the low table. They sat next to each other on the sofa and Subaru took out one of the softwares from the case.

“It’s winter now, so let’s do this one.”
Subaru inserted The Winter Night Sky into the round machine and closed the curtains. He switched on the planetarium and the dark room became just a little bit brighter. A starry sky was suddenly reflected in all four corners of the room.

“There’s not many things in this room, so the projection onto the walls is so crisp.”

It wasn’t so bad having this manmade projection of the stars beautifully projected on the white walls and the spacious ceiling.

Subaru let out a long sigh. He hadn’t been able to see the stars even once since coming to Hokkaido. Definitely the best part about this was being able to see countless stars slowly moving without any interference of city lights and tall buildings. Out of all the stars, there was one that was brighter than all the others.

“Sirius.”

“Huh? Which one?” Tokizawa abruptly muttered. Tokizawa was absentmindedly staring at the ceiling and suddenly reacted.

“Look at the direction I’m pointing.”

Subaru lifted his arm and clearly pointed right at the star. He traced over the shape of the bright star and muttered “This is Canis Major.”

Tokizawa enthusiastically followed the direction that Subaru pointed at and nodded vigorously.

As Subaru moved his finger around, he suddenly remembered that day in his second year of high school when his club did the planetarium.

That time, Tokizawa was only looking at Subaru and not even sparing a glance at the starry sky.

However, this time, even though Subaru was not using a laser pointer, but his finger, Tokizawa was earnestly looking.

“Canis Minor… Orion… Gemini… Taurus.” Subaru pointed the constellations out one by one.

Tokizawa suddenly spoke up.

“Pleiades.” 

Tokizawa was looking at the direction that Subaru was pointing at. And it was just as Tokizawa said. Among the numerous bright stars was the Pleiades Star Cluster.

“Ah… you’re right. It’s amazing that you could pick it out.”

“Yeah. Actually, I really don’t know much about constellations but that’s the only one I’ve ever been able to find.”

Tokizawa showed Subaru an innocent, carefree smile as he said that. Subaru slowly lowered his arm.

Tokizawa didn’t even have a clue what the Winter Triangle looked like, yet he can happily point out Pleiades.

“I’m happy. This is the first time I could give you a present normally.”

Tokizawa kept mumbling to himself how happy he was,and it was at this time that Subaru thought that Tokizawa really was an idiot. Subaru wondered just how strong Tokizawa’s feelings were.

Just what exactly was the reason for Tokizawa’s strong attachment towards Subaru?

Subaru once again thought about how strange it was, but didn’t think of it as something unpleasant.

Tokizawa’s essence hadn’t changed since high school.

But now Tokizawa can interact with customers and isn’t scared of people with flashy appearances. He can talk to people normally now. Tokizawa wore many faces that even Subaru didn’t know.

ーSo what about me? Subaru asked himself.

What has changed from then, and what hasn’t changed?