Hoshi wo Taguru

Subaru was sitting in an empty room after school studying while waiting for his girlfriend. She went to the guidance counseling room in order to discuss her choice of schools. She couldn’t decide if she should attend a university within the prefecture or if she should go to a university in Tokyo.

Subaru already decided to attend a university in Tokyo, and he already received his teacher’s seal of approval that he could definitely get in the school. Subaru loved looking at the stars but astronomy was something he decided not to major in. Instead, he chose to major in economics. Considering how anxious his parents were when he chose his high school, he decided to ease their worries. Subaru chose a safe path in economics. 

Subaru went to grab an eraser from his pen case that was full of new items. The mechanical pencil Subaru was holding was among them, as well as his red pen, his ballpoint pen, and his highlighter. Why had the old items been replaced with new ones? Of course Subaru had no memory of buying them. Whenever he would think it was time to buy new ones, they would just appear. Yesterday, he noticed that even his pen case had been exchanged with a new one. Subaru’s blue cloth pen case that he bought a year ago was now worn out and battered. Subaru had just thought that it was about time to buy a new one.

Subaru stared at the contents inside his pen case and vaguely thought about the culprit behind the series of swappings.

Subaru had an idea who it was. It wasn’t like he confirmed it or anything, but 9 times out of 10, Subaru’s intuition was correct.

The culprit could be none other than Tokizawa.

Unless he was observing him 24/7, there’s no way he would notice when these items would become worn out. And Subaru was positive and couldn’t think of another human besides Tokizawa that would do something like that.

But Subaru had no clue why Tokizawa kept doing this.

Subaru’s hand stopped as he finished solving the problems and leaned back on his chair. Just as he did that, the door to the classroom opened and Subaru turned his head to see who it was. The person who entered the room was surprised to see Subaru there. In his hands was a heavy looking paper bag.

“Tokizawa? What’s with the bag…oh yeah.” Subaru had started to ask when he realized it.

It was Tokizawa’s birthday.

“Subaru, you’re still here. Ah, are you studying? Sorry for disturbing you.”

“I’m taking a break now. I’ll probably head home soon though.

“Ah, Subaru.”

Without responding to Tokizawa who wanted to say something to Subaru,Subaru closed the fastener on his pen case and started closing his notebooks that were spread out on the desk. He half haphazardly put on his shoes and stood up. 

Subaru looked towards Tokizawa who was still standing by the doorway unmoving. Tokizawa’s expression looked confused. 

Subaru went to leave the classroom avoiding Tokizawa’s eyes, but just before he left, Subaru’s feet stopped for a moment and quietly mumbled “…Happy Birthday.”

“Huh, ah, thank you!”

It was just words he threw while passing by Tokizawa, yet he bowed so happily in thanks. Subaru shut the door with a bang before Tokizawa even finished speaking and he quickly ran away from the classroom.

Lately, Subaru hadn’t been able to talk to Tokizawa like always. Not since he realized a feeling of possessiveness within him.

Subaru wondered just where on earth that feeling came from. His pent up feelings carried over and ended up resulting in Subaru avoiding Tokizawa. Tokizawa made a hurt face each time Subaru was curt to him. Tokizawa must be wondering why Subaru was avoiding him. It was quite obvious that Subaru’s attitude had changed towards him.

Subaru knew he was doing something terrible. It wasn’t like Subaru didn’t want to talk to Tokizawa anymore. He wanted to talk about trifling things again, like they did before. Subaru no longer knew how to talk to Tokizawa anymore.

How do I even be normal again? Just what kind of face should I make when I talk to Tokizawa?

Subaru figured out a long time ago that Tokizawa liked him. And for a long time he thought he was not like that.

Now, Subaru wasn’t so sure.

I’m unfair. I’m unclean.

Subaru didn’t want Tokizawa to know that he was this type of person and that’s why he was avoiding him.

Subaru left the classroom as if he was running away and in the end, he waited for his girlfriend outside of the guidance counselors office. When his girlfriend finally exited from the room she was surprised to see Subaru there.

“Didn’t you say you would be studying in the classroom?” However she looked very happy as she said that.

On the way home, Subaru spotted Tokizawa walking back with his arms wrapped around the heavy looking paper bag. Even though it was his birthday, Tokizawa’s showed a very hurt expression. Subaru fell into self loathing as he thought that it was his fault.

***

They sat there in silence, looking at the manmade stars. Tokizawa was silently sitting next to him. Subaru wondered what Tokizawa was thinking about.

“Hey.”

“Uh, ah yes?”

Tokizawa suddenly turned to face Subaru in surprise to Subaru’s sudden disruption of the silence.

“What did you mean by what you said earlier?”

“Earlier?
“The, ‘This is the first time I could give you a present normally,’ part.”

It was the first time that Subaru asked a question that got right to the heart of the matter. He had been pretending not to know about it for so long now. Tokizawa suddenly gulped, and he avoided Subaru’s glance. Then he stayed silent.

However, Subaru already made up his mind to wait for Tokizawa’s answer no matter how long it took. Subaru continued to stare right at Tokizawa through the long silence.

Finally Tokizawa in resignation muttered, “…I’m sorry.”

“I wasn’t asking you to apologize.”

“Yeah, I’ll explain it to you now…”

Tokizawa squeezed his eyes shut and took a long deep breath.

“I stole your stuff for a long time,” Tokizawa declared as if he’s made up his mind. Subaru’s eyes widened at the declaration. Subaru was not aware of that. Not even that his stuff was “missing”. Only that they had been replaced with a new version. But Tokizawa said with such a pained expression that he gripped the chest area of his shirt.

“I wanted your things so much that I couldn’t help myself.”

“And then?” Subaru urged Tokizawa to continue. However, Tokizawa frowned in a way that looked like he was troubled. Tokizawa didn’t dodge the question and continued instead.

“…At first it was, ‘Subaru’s mechanical pencil looks like it’s about to fall apart.’ That was the catalyst.” Tokizawa muttered as he dropped his gaze to look at his feet. Subaru listened silently to Tokizawa’s 10 year long confession.

“You might think of it as disgusting, but I was always looking at you so I noticed when your mechanical pencil was getting difficult to use. But I didn’t have the courage to directly give you a new one. I decided to silently exchange them when it was getting close to your birthday.” Tokizawa stopped his stuttering monologue there. He took another deep breath and continued quietly.

“No matter how small, even if you didn’t notice that it was me, I wanted to celebrate it. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing? Anyone would be happy that they’re being celebrated. Well, the way you did it is a bit strange but yeah.” As Subaru said that, he desperately tried to remember the already hazy memories.

Subaru remembered that it was winter. He realized that the brand new mechanical pencil in his hand felt kind of strange. Subaru noticed that the center of the mechanical pencil was cold.

Now that Subaru thought about it, he realized that day was most likely his birthday. That day, he had received many gifts.

Candy, chocolate, and arrays of sweets were all crammed into his shoebox. Subaru had also received rice balls and different types of bread from his friends, and he also got a watch that he really wanted from his girlfriend at the time.

Among all the stuff Subaru had gotten, he had forgotten about the trivial exchange that happened.

It was only until the second time that it happened that Subaru remembered that something like this had happened before but he never remembered that the first time it happened was on his birthday.

“Ah, now that you mention it, it was my birthday, wasn’t it.” Subaru murmured softly and looked at Tokizawa’s face.

“I’m sorry for not noticing. Thank you for the present.”

“Of course you wouldn’t notice something like that. However, from the second time, it was me simply wanting your things, so it’s not something that you should thank me for.” Tokizawa said as his shoulders drooped and sighed.

“…It’s been so long, but in the end I was never able to apologize until now so I’m sorry for doing such a thing.”

“It’s really been a long time, and it’s not like I’m mad so you don’t have to apologize. I’m glad I finally know the truth though. I always wondered why someone was doing something like that. I didn’t sense any ill will so I just thought it was strange.”
The culprit was just as Subaru thought. He never had any evidence so to get this confession from the source was a relief. 

“It all burned down though so I can’t give it back.”

“I think I would be troubled if you gave it back so it’s okay but… don’t tell me that you’d still be carrying it if it didn’t burn down.” Subaru asked suspiciously, but Tokizawa nodded as if it was obvious.

“During the fire, more so than my family or anything else, I was more worried about the stuff I stole from you. I thought I would never see you again so I thought I’d have those as mementos and live on, but they were all gone and I wondered how I’d live on. I no longer deserve your kindness. I don’t deserve to even talk to you like this..”

“What the hell.” Subaru frowned in annoyance, but then he saw that Tokizawa’s hands were shaking and balled into tight fists on his lap so Subaru kept his mouth shut.

From Subaru’s perspective, it was such a ridiculous thing to say. But for Tokizawa, those were most likely his true feelings.

Subaru took a deep breath. 

“You went through all this trouble to prepare this, so why don’t we eat before it gets cold.” Subaru said in order to change the conversation.

“Ah, okay.”

“And after we finish eating, I want to go somewhere so come with me.”

“Huh, w-where?”

“I’ll tell you later. I’ll go get some plates so go open the curtains.”

“Okay.”

Tokizawa nodded and obediently opened the curtains. Subaru switched off the planetarium and stood up.

It was already bright outside, so even with the curtains closed, it was not pitch black inside. Subaru was looking forward to the sun to go down and night to come so he could switch on the planetarium again.

After eating the food from the catering and the cake, they got ready and went to ride on the subway.

Subaru was only carrying his wallet that he shoved into his coat pocket, but Tokizawa had his arms around a backpack that was resting on his lap.

“I feel like you’re always carrying a lot of stuff.”

“Really?”
“Yeah. We’re not going far or anything, so why are you carrying so much?”

“I always have this with me no matter where I go.”

Subaru realized that even when Tokizawa went to work, or when he and Subaru went to the supermarket, he was always carrying the same backpack.

“I feel uneasy if I’m not carrying it… I want to walk only while holding my important things. During the fire, I ran away only holding this bag, and because of that, it was spared.”
“Um, even your bank book and stuff? It seems more dangerous to be carrying it around. You might lose it.”

Tokizawa smiled wryly and said, “I guess so,” and vaguely nodded.

They had to transfer once, but the time spent in the train wasn’t long at all. They arrived at their destination station in about 10 minutes. They walked on the ground while stepping on the melting snow.

No matter how much Subaru progressed, Tokizawa just silently followed him. Subaru never told him where they were going, and they didn’t speak much on the way here. Tokizawa never even asked him where they were going.

They walked until they reached a large brick building. 

There was a small hill that was covered in snow. From the top, there were several colorful figures on sleds, sliding down the gentle hill. Subaru heard high pitched cheers and realized it was small children wearing colorful clothing that were playing. 

 On the top of the hill was a small building with a rounded roof.

“…An observatory?” Tokiawa deduced from looking at the building.

“Yes.” Subaru nodded and quickened his pace to a small jog. He didn’t like that compared to him, Tokizawa only had to widen his stride a little to keep up.

It was actually Tokizawa who told Subaru about this observatory. Subaru thought that he’d go someday and looked up how to get there, but it was his first time actually going.

It wasn’t like Subaru had planned to go today anyways. More like, when he invited Tokizawa, Subaru hadn’t decided on the destination yet. What was important was that both he and Tokizawa went out together.

“It’s afternoon though, what can you even see?”
“We can see sunspots.”

“Oohh…” Tokizawa nodded in a confused way. 

There were stairs going up the hill and Subaru, without any hesitation started to climb up the stairs. There were children playing next to the stairs, but the way the snow was piled on them made it clear that no one had used them for a while.

“I guess no one uses them in the winter.” Subaru muttered.

“I wonder. It looks like it snowed this morning so perhaps no one has come today yet.” Tokizawa replied with ease.

Subaru thought it was a kind way of thinking. Perhaps Tokizawa had guessed the loneliness behind Subaru’s words.

Inside the middle of the building was a singular small telescope. Seeing the timeworn telescope in the lonesome light felt even more heartrending to Subaru than the stairs. This time, he didn’t voice his thoughts aloud.

Instead, Subaru started to pat the smooth tube.

“I wish it were nighttime.”
“Why?”
“It’s better to see when it’s pitch black.”

At least it would be better to deal with that loneliness. Subaru swallowed those words and stooped down to peek through the telescope. However, the words that came next stopped Subaru in his tracks.

“Alright, then how about we come here at night next time.”

“Do you mean that in a let’s go out together again kind of way?”
“…Y-yeah. If you’re alright with it.”
Subaru moved his gaze from the telescope towards Tokizawa. Even in the dim lighting, Tokiawa’s white skin was colored pink. Subaru wondered if Tokizawa was nervous about inviting Subaru.

‘Invite a person to turn their attention in the direction you want.’

Even though Subaru had tried to invite Tokizawa out many times, this was the first time that Tokizawa had invited Subaru. 

“Okay.” Subaru nodded.

Even if it was nighttime and it was hard to see a thing, it would still be noticeable.

Even Subaru’s face would be flushed pink. His cheeks felt hot. Subaru knew that he was so happy to the point of elation. He was happy to be invited by Tokizawa.

Tokizawa always saw himself as inferior when showing his deep attachment for Subaru. He did not wish for anything more for himself.

Ever since they graduated from high school, they never once met. Even though it was actually surprisingly easy to go see each other, Tokizawa did not. Because of that, he just waited at the bar for Subaru to come. Just waiting the whole time, it was always passive.

Subaru suddenly realized that he felt like something wasn’t right.

However, Subaru wasn’t sure what the root of those feelings were.

“Thanks.” Tokizawa said happily.

Without replying, Subaru turned his attention back to the telescope.

“How do you observe sunspots?”

“You need a special sunspot observation filter. You add it onto the telescope and project it onto the projection board. From then, you can check the positions of the sunspots. That’s all.”

“So you mean you can’t observe them directly?”
“If you did that, then your eyes would cease to function.”

“I see…”

Tokizawa observed the telescope with deep interest. 

“So what do you do after observing them?”

Tokizawa asked another question. 

“Did they not do a class about them in junior high school? They examine the lifespan of those sun spots. They disappear after a few days and new ones appear… When I did it a long time ago, the longest they lasted was about a month and a half, I think.”

“So it’s not just today but they do it everyday?”

“Of course not. But since it’s afternoon, it’s the only thing they can do.” Subaru muttered as he heard the sound of shouts of joy coming from outside. Even though it was a small hill, those who were sledding down sounded like they were having fun. 

“Actually let’s leave the observation for the next time we come at night. Instead let’s go play in the snow, the two of us.”

“Huh?”

“I wonder if there’s a place that would let us borrow sleds.” Subaru said as he headed to exit the building. Subaru would definitely come back to this place at night. Together with Tokizawa. Rather than just coming here for an observation that you can’t find out the results to, it was way more appealing to go play in the snow that you don’t see like this in Tokyo or Yamaguchi. 

“I-I wonder.”

“If there isn’t any then we sled down just like this.”

“Our coats would get wet.”

“It’s okay if they do.”

Subaru couldn’t help but squint his eyes at the bright snow despite the sun being covered by the clouds after leaving the dim lighting of the building.

“I wonder if we’d be called perverse and be reported to the police if we asked those kids if we could borrow their sleds.

Tokizawa, who caught up and heard what Subaru said, nodded in a worried manner and replied quietly with “probably.”

“Ah I guess if we were also to just mix in with the kids then we’d also be seen as suspicious.”

“It would be over before we know it.”

It was as Tokizawa said. There was no mistake that the only reason why they were having so much fun was because they were children. But to them, it wasn’t even tall enough. 

“I wonder if there’s somewhere else we could play. A place where we won’t get arrested.” Subaru asked casually in a childlike manner.

“Umm.” Tokizawa’s eyes moved back and forth as he desperately tried to think of something. 

Subaru waited for Tokizawa to reply. 

“I’ve never been so I’m not sure what it’s like but…”

“Yeah?”

“…Next month, at the snow festival grounds, they’ll make a really big slide.”

“Next month!” Subaru lamented. He couldn’t afford to wait that long. 

In an instant, Tokizawa became dejected. Subaru wanted to tell him that it wasn’t his fault. But before he could, Tokizawa quietly muttered, “You won’t be able to make it. I’m sorry.”

“Ah, that’s right.”

By then Subaru would no longer be here.

Subaru realized the reason why Tokizawa was dejected and kept his mouth shut. 

Don’t look so lonely!

Subaru felt an emotion like irritation, however he lost the words to say.

Subaru wondered if Tokizawa thought that once he went back home, Tokizawa would ever see him again. 

What am I even saying…I don’t even have a place to return to right now.

Subaru scooped up some of the snow that was by his feet in annoyance of such angsty feelings. He used both hands to shape it into a ball and threw it point blank at Tokizawa. 

“Aah!” Tokizawa let out a yell and his shoulders that were slumped in a miserable manner relaxed.

“Huh, what?”

Subaru didn’t answer the confused looking Tokizawa. Instead, he grabbed more snow and packed it together. Subaru was not wearing gloves so the exposed fingers quickly turned red, despite that, he gripped the snowball tightly. Even though the snow was so nice to see, it was not nice to feel. The palms of Subaru’s hand throbbed so in an attempt to shake off the feeling, he threw another snowball at Tokizawa.

“Let’s have a snowball fight. Not here though because it’s dangerous. Let’s go over there.”

Subaru ran to look for an area that didn’t have many footprints. It was even fun to just get tangled up in the snow. Even though Tokizawa had been hit by a snowball twice, he did not retaliate at a defenseless Subaru who had his back turned while running.

“The one who gets the most hits wins. The loser has to play a punishment game.”

“You’re gonna decide who wins and loses too?”

“Of course, so don’t come any closer than that.”

They faced each other at a distance longer than before. Subaru scooped up some of the snow at his feet. The boots he bought when he came here were not cheap, but the snow already seeped inside that his toes were already cold. Subaru was also wearing some layers beneath his coat, but the core of his body was steadily becoming colder and colder. Subaru continued to unrelentlessly throw snowballs at Tokizawa who just continued to dodge them.

“Are you okay with not retaliating? It’ll be your loss.” Subaru raised his voice as he was crouching down, making snowballs as fast as he could this time. Throwing the snowballs as he made them wasn’t very efficient. Subaru was diligently making the snowballs when he felt something lightly hit his shoulder.

“Ah.”

Subaru looked up to see Tokizawa frozen with an expression on his face like he did something that he couldn’t take back. The place that was hit was covered with white snow, so no matter how you look at it, it could only be Tokizawa’s snowball that had hit.

“Sorry.”

“Now it feels like a snowball fight.”

Subaru stood up with a number of snowballs that he made and continued to throw them. Out of three he threw, two of them were direct hits. Which brought Subaru’s total to four hits now. 

“The first that gets hit ten times loses!”

“Whattt!” Tokizawa let out a distressed shout upon hearing the rule that Subaru had just decided on and continued to weakly throw the snowballs. This time Subaru was paying attention so he could dodge them.  Subaru wondered if Tokizawa was actually eager to do this as he picked up the rest of the snowballs and threw them all in one go. However this time, none of them hit.

“The heck. You’re good at dodging.” Subaru said as he crouched down again when all of a sudden a number of snowballs hit him in rapid succession. In surprise, Subaru looked at Tokizawa who had ‘I’m sorry’ written all over his face but was holding a number of small snowballs in his large hands. 

“How many hits that time?”

“Four. I’m sorry.”

“Whattt!? You’re going to beat me!” Subaru yelled in mock frustration. He hurried to make more snowballs. Last time he had taken his eyes off Tokizawa to make the snowballs but this time he stared intensely at him. Due to the fact that Subaru neglected his cold hands, the snowballs were now oval instead of round. Having no feeling in his hands due to the coldness, the snowballs he was throwing at Tokizawa, who did not even have to dodge because they didn’t even reach him. The snowballs kept falling midway. In frustration, Subaru decided to throw the next snowball as hard as he could.

As he threw it, his feet slipped on the snow and Subaru fell backwards.

“Subaru!” Tokizawa yelled in an even more surprised voice than Subaru and rushed towards him. Subaru thought Tokizawa would appear sitting next to him while he was still on the ground, but actually all the snowballs in Tokizawa’s arm purposely fell onto Subaru. All direct hits. The small and soft snowballs quickly crumbled as soon as they fell onto Subaru.

“…You…”

“Sorry. Can you stand?” Tokizawa laughed as he held out his hand. Subaru grabbed on it and finally stood up. His coat was covered in snow. Tokizawa helped brush off the snow but the melted snow turned into water droplets and soaked Subaru’s coat.

“I guess you win.”
“Yeah.”
“It was a little backhanded… but whatever. A win is a win. What will you do?”
“What do you mean what will I do?”
“I said that the loser has to play a punishment game.”
“I haven’t thought about one at all though.”

“Why do you think I even decided on a winner and loser thing? So what will you do?” Subaru asked the same question. But Tokizawa only looked deeply troubled and remained silent.

“Anything is fine. If there’s something you want me to do then that’s okay too.”

“It-it’s alright.” Tokizawa shook his head and looked up.
“Really?” Subaru frowned.

“I don’t need anything, so it’s okay. I won because I cheated. And more importantly, your hands are colder than ice. Let’s go home.”

“Yeah, okay.”
Tokizawa made such a worried face that Subaru agreed without complaint. It’s true that Subaru’s hands were numb at this point. He used his numb hands to shake some of the water from his coat.

Tokizawa, who didn’t make hard snowballs, wouldn’t throw it hard, or even think of a punishment game. Subaru wondered if it was because Tokizawa was kind, or if it was because it was Subaru. 

They stepped on the scattered unused snowballs and left the plaza side by side.