Hoshi wo Taguru Pt. 8

“Do you really want to?” Tokizawa asked.

Tokizawa looked surprised and he stared at Subaru. He felt slightly taken aback. 

It wasn’t a bad feeling to be caught in such a purely astonished gaze, without hints of muddy and intense, romantic feelings and longing. 

“As long as you don’t mind,” Subaru answered, “I want to keep talking. When I don’t have alcohol in my system and I’m not sleepy, let’s have a normal conversation. It’s been ten years since we’ve seen each other, and we haven’t caught up at all.

Perhaps it was the sleepiness, but Subaru found it difficult to form coherent thoughts. Just a little while ago, he had felt that it wouldn’t be a good idea if he stayed over. But now, rather than holding back and being considerate, Subaru’s desire to continue talking was even stronger. 

“I’d be glad if you stayed over.” Tokizawa assured Subaru.

Tokizawa smiled, but his expression turned into that of a more serious one.

“Subaru.”

Tokizawa called out, but it was in a rather tense tone. He made sure to continue in a lighter manner. “What?” Subaru responded.

“If I were to… s-sneak into your bed at night, feel free to punch me and run away.”

“Sneak into my bed?” Subaru repeated after him.

“Ha.” 

Subaru couldn’t discern if that “ha” was in a snickering tone or a bitter laugh, but he nodded anyway, “Got it.”

But Subaru quickly figured out that those words were not serious. As for Tokizawa, he felt that deep down, Subaru might still have feelings of reservation and hesitation, so Tokizawa wanted to make those feelings disappear. Tokizawa was kind. Subaru wanted to talk to him more. He vaguely thought that this desire was due to the comfort he felt from Tokizawa’s kindness. All the way up until the end of this year, he had only dealt with troublesome things and was often met with judgemental eyes of others. So in a way, he felt that he was saved by facing Tokizawa’s very earnest love for him. But in short, it basically felt like Subaru was taking advantage of and using Tokizawa’s pure feelings. Subaru thought to himself how he was such a terrible person for doing so.

“Subaru, are you sleepy? Do you want to shower before sleeping? I can lend you a change of clothes if you need it.”

Tokizawa put down his half empty cup, and quickly stood up. As if trying to make sure that Subaru doesn’t change his mind last minute.

“I have a change of clothes with me. All I need is a towel.”

“Okay. There are some in the changing room, so you can use whichever one you like.”

“Thanks.”

As Subaru was taking out his change of clothes out of his suitcase, he saw his crumpled, thin coat and his shoes, and realized that it hadn’t even been 24 hours since he came to Hokkaido.

“What a day,” Subaru thought.

Subaru slowly headed to the bathroom and took a quick shower. He had been on the brink of falling asleep, but after being awoken by the shower, he grabbed the soft and fluffy bath towel that had been prepared for him.

Subaru wiped his body dry, and after, he used the hair dryer that was next to the wash basin to dry his hair. Then he left the bathroom.

Tokizawa, who was absentmindedly staring at the tv, turned towards Subaru when he heard the patter of Subaru’s bare feet on the floor.

“Welcome back.”

“I feel very refreshed. Thanks for the towel.”

“It’s no problem.”

In no time, the calm smile had turned back into nervousness. With a slightly forced smile, Tokizawa pointed towards the partition at the corner of the room and said, “If you wanna sleep, you can use the bed over there. No one comes over here so I don’t have a guest futon. I changed the sheets and the cover for you.”

“What will you do Tokizawa?”

“I’ll go shower, and then afterwards I have to go over my account book and stuff, so I can’t go to bed yet. I always finish in the afternoon, so don’t worry about me.”

“Hmm, okay when you wanna go to bed just wake me up,” Subaru answered.

“You really don’t have to worry about it. If I get sleepy then I can sleep on the sofa. So you can go ahead and get a good night’s sleep. Good night.”

“Okay, I understand. Thanks. Good night.”

Even on the other side of the partition, it looked particularly dreary. There was only a bed and a small chest. On top of the chest, there was a singular light. It felt like it was decorated to fit the bare minimum of what could even be considered a lifestyle.

In the time that Subaru was taking a shower, the sheets, the pillow and the blanket cover had all been changed.

As he patted the futon, a familiar soft scent tickled his nose. It was the same detergent that his ex-girlfriend used. Despite that, Subaru didn’t feel any particularly conflicting feelings, and he just laid down on the bed.

The terry cloth blanket that lay between the sheets and the duvet felt worn out and soft. It carried Tokizawa’s scent, which was particularly stronger than the way it wafted around the house.

The smell in itself was not an unpleasant smell. However, what was unpleasant was the moment it reached Subaru’s nose, he felt like he was being engulfed in it. He tried his best to forget about it by blinking his eyes several times.

Subaru heard a voice from the other side of the partition.

“I’m gonna turn off the light.”

“Okay.” Subaru replied back.

The light turned off with a click. Subaru could still see some light coming from the other side of the partition. Still, with the light turned off, it seemed like Subaru’s sleepiness had once again returned. Subaru could hear Tokizawa working from the other side of the partition. He closed his eyes while he continued to listen to the sounds.

Subaru suddenly realized something.

Today, Subaru was the only customer that came by, and he hadn’t paid a single cent. Just what could Tokizawa even be writing in his account book? Maybe it’s some calculation that only a proprietor would know about. Or maybe Tokizawa said that so he could use it as an excuse to let Subaru use his bed.

It was probably the latter, Subaru thought as he began to doze off. Subaru neither had the grounds nor the evidence to prove it, but somehow he felt like he was right about it. Subaru slowly started to drift off. His body was extremely tired. It had been a very long day.

“Subaru.”

From the other side of the partition, Subaru could hear the small and simple sound of his name being called out to him. But Subaru no longer had the strength to open his eyes.

“Subaru, are you asleep already?”

Subaru didn’t reply.

“…Goodnight,” Tokizawa whispered.

Subaru had not replied so Tokizawa declared that in nearly a whisper.

Tokizawa’s voice was low and slow. A voice that resonated deeply and smoothly infiltrated into his ears.

Tokizawa’s voice was always like that. From the time they first met to the last they saw each other on graduation day.

That’s right.

Right before he fell asleep, Subaru finally remembered. Earlier, Tokizawa’s expression reminded him of something but he couldn’t quite figure it out. But now he realized that the way Tokizawa smiled, that made him look like a child again, was the same face he had on their graduation day. 

By the time Subaru woke up, the sun was already brightly shining outside. The curtains were not blackout curtains so the sunlight easily streamed through them. Subaru reached for his phone that he had put on the chest to check the time. He saw that it was actually closer to evening.

“Ah…”

There was no sign of the hangover he had been expecting when he woke up. Thanks to being able to sleep soundly, the exhaustion from the previous day was also gone.

Subaru got out of bed and scratched his head as he peeked into the living room. Tokizawa was on a sofa wrapped in a blanket and fast asleep. The heating unit had been on throughout the night so despite it being winter, the room was very warm. But it looked like Tokizawa could still catch a cold. His long legs were sticking out of both the sofa and blanket.

Subaru went back to the bed, picked up the duvet, and draped it over Tokizawa. Subaru didn’t know what time Tokizawa had gone to bed, but Tokizawa didn’t even move when Subaru got close.

There had been lots of times when Subaru had been stared at by Tokizawa, but there had never been much opportunity for Subaru to study Tokizawa. Tokizawa being sound asleep was a good opportunity, so Subaru kneeled down by the sofa and took a closer look at his sleeping face.

He really has grown up… Subaru thought.

Every part of Tokizawa’s face looked like one of an exquisitely designed doll. Subaru even examined Tokizawa’s thick eyelashes, but something felt a little off. Then he realized it was because Tokizawa’s eyes were still closed. Subaru couldn’t see Tokizawa’s stardust eyes.

Just as Subaru silently wished for Tokizawa to open his eyes, Tokizawa’s eyelids, which appeared thin and blue from transparent vessels, began to quiver slightly. Tokizawa tightly closed his eyes, and then he slowly blinked them open.

But Subaru continued to observe him. He could see the bluish pigment of Tokizawa’s eyes peek through his barely open eyelids.

Ah, this is what I was looking for, Subaru thought.

“…Huh?”

Tokizawa had barely opened his eyes when he saw Subaru from the corner of his sight. They widened right away.

Visibly shaken, Tokizawa jolted up and clutched onto the sofa.

“Did I wake you? Sorry.” Subaru said as he gazed upwards to see Tokizawa’s face. He continued, “Have you ever seen a picture of a human eye that was taken by macro photography?

“Uhh… I… don’t think so…” It was such a sudden question that Tokizawa, who was barely awake, could only answer slowly. Subaru realized that Tokizawa wasn’t quite ready for conversation so he continued.

“A long time ago, I saw a picture on the internet taken by the Hubble Telescope of the Milky Way. It looked kind of like a picture of a nebula, like an endless stack of aurora on each other. It was so incredibly beautiful.” Subaru was fascinated by the image of the eyes, which looked like multiple layers of aurora that swayed like curtains .

Most people might have been creeped out by it, but for Subaru, realizing that people had eyes that looked like outer space had made him immensely happy.

“I remembered while I was looking at your eyes,” Subaru told Tokizawa.

Satisfied with his one way conversation, Subaru stood up and stretched his back. Subaru headed towards the kitchen and then turned his back and asked Tokizawa a question.

“Do you have anything inside your fridge? If I don’t eat anything then I start to feel sick. If you have anything, is it okay if I can cook some food?”

“Ah, sorry. I don’t cook so I don’t have anything in there.”

Tokizawa hurriedly stood up and shakily went after Subaru.

Share this: