It Seems There is Light

Suffering

The neighbors of Qingjiu Alley rushed to Jiang Yuan’s bed and almost took Shi An away from the hospital.

Shi An still wanted to stay with Jiang Yuan on his own.

The air in the ward began to take on a desolate dullness. Jiang Yuan often fell asleep, while Shi An sat by the bed, staring at Kang Xinci’s empty, white hospital bed.

The days began to become difficult.

There was a time when Shi An wished he could see Chen Yu again; he desperately wanted to find something through Chen Yu’s eyes.

He thought Chen Yu would at least go back to the ward to pack or something, but he really never saw Chen Yu again.

Soon, someone was assigned to Kang Xinci’s bed. He was a quiet old man, not very smiley, but had a gentle nature. He always liked to stuff the fruits sent by relatives and friends into Shi An’s hands.

In August, Cheng Yuan contacted Shi An once and told him that he had passed the Math Olympiad’s second test and that the final would be around November.

Cheng Yuan made a special trip to the hospital to bring Shi An an entry form for the finals.

The young teacher with silver thin-framed glasses pursed his lips and looked at Shi An for a long time, his eyes actually reddened slightly. He reached out to gently rub the top of Shi An’s hair.

Shi An’s heart warmed slightly as the corners of his mouth gently curled up.

“I can’t help you, Teacher feels uncomfortable.” Cheng Yuan bulged childishly. A grown man with a gentle and elegant temperament made this expression, so there was a bit of comical cuteness to it.

“It’s fine.” Shi An looked at him for a while, then lowered his head and took out a few toffee from his pocket, and handed it in front of Cheng Yuan.

Cheng Yuan chuckled and reached out to rub Shi An’s head a few more times, sighing, “You. ah…my own student, how could I not be distressed?”

The two sat on a lounge chair in the corridor, Cheng Yuan took out a squarely folded application form and carefully smoothed out the folds.

“Why do you need the registration form?” Shi An took the form, looked down carefully and said, “Can’t you just attend directly?”

“No, the finals will be held in other schools, so there will be course arrangements. It may go for four or five days.” Cheng Yuan took out a black gel pen and unscrewed the pen cap. “Besides, it’s not in this city, and it will take a long drive, so I’m here to ask you this.”

Shi An frowned slightly. Just when he was about to pass the form back and stretched out his hand halfway, he paused again.

“Don’t worry. Just say if you don’t want to go. I’ll explain the reason to the school.” Cheng Yuan reached out to receive the application form, but Shi An did not let go of his hand.

Cheng Yuan was slightly stunned and raised his eyes to see Shi An’s eyes seemed to fall into a void somewhere, and the cold-colored back of the lounge chair reflected in his amber eyes.

“The final…is in November, right?” Shi An slowly turned his head to look at Cheng Yuan, his eyes faintly flashing with a certain unknown sentiment.

“…Yes, probably in early or mid November. It’s okay, you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”

November.

At that time, Jiang Yuan should have been able to leave the hospital.

Not should, but definitely could.

Shi An missed that healthy, decent and happy Jiang Yuan too much.

He missed the long and gentle tune she sang while tending to the flowers and plants, her slow fingers as she stroked the pages of the book with the fragrance of ink and paper, her loving and gentle smile, and the way she leaned against the counter listening to the beat of the song.

The long black and gray days were completely out of sight, and the snowy ward shackled his expectations for tomorrow.

He had almost forgotten that the days were still moving forward.

He would eventually welcome the color, welcome all the sunshine and vibrancy.

Just like the November in Cheng Yuan’s mouth, maybe at that time, everything would be back on track; Jiang Yuan’s body would again carry the fragrant and soft smell of old cloth brocade mixed with desserts, Ling Yue and Yan Liang would once again gag at the counter, and he would continue to look at all the beauty and joy, and have his days full of fireworks and human feelings again.

Shi An looked down at the form, as if he could really peek through the long gaps in time and space to see something else.

“November…there is still a long way to go.” Shi An suddenly opened his mouth. Cheng Yuan looked at the look on his face, slightly stunned and forgot to speak for a moment.

“Grandma must have been discharged by that time,” Shi An reached for the gel pen that Cheng Yuan had already unscrewed the cap, and placed the registration form against the chair, “It’s still a long time, really… nothing will happen then. ”

Shi An movements were eager and uncommon in the past, as if to prove something. The pen nib swiped on the paper quickly, stroke by stroke.

The young boy’s long eyelashes left a clean silhouette on the snow-white paper. Cheng Yuan dropped his eyes to look at his thin, sharp chin, and his heart was sore.

“Well, you must have been idle at that time, so it’s better to go to the Olympiad and get a place in it for Affiliated High School when you go back,” Cheng Yuan said jokingly, trying to raise his tone. “I want to take a trip with your light.”

Shi An half-crouched down and finished filling out the registration form. After finishing the last stroke, he habitually made a small dot in the blank area, but the pen tip did not move away quickly. The black ink slowly blotted out on the paper, smudging the last stroke.

Keeping this movement in a stalemate for a while, Shi An removed the tip of the pen and slowly got down on the chair and rested his forehead on the chair.

The smile on Cheng Yuan’s face finally slowly faded.

Shi An quickly straightened up, the face was so weak that no emotion could be seen. He screwed on the pen cap and handed it back to Cheng Yuan.

“If there’s anything I can do for you, just let me know.” Cheng Yuan looked down at him for a while and got up, “If Teacher can help, I will definitely help.”

Shi An nodded slightly and got up after Cheng Yuan, sending him out of the inpatient building.

Today, Jiang Yuan was in good shape. When Shi An returned to the ward, she was leaning on the bedside table, squinting slightly and looking out the window.

The midday sun enveloped Jiang Yuan in a warm yellow hue, like a scene from an old movie. The light and shadow dividing line resting on the top of her head and the hot summer breeze lifting her silvery white hair.

“I want to eat blueberry egg tarts, the extra sweet kind.” Jiang Yuan turned her head and smiled a little childishly.

Shi An was a little surprised. He wanted to go out to ask the doctor if he could take it, and if he could, he would go and buy it for Jiang Yuan right away.

But just as he turned around and walked to the door, Jiang Yuan called out to him, “Xiao An, come here.”

Shi An’s footsteps stopped and he turned back to walk quickly back to the hospital bed, bending down slightly.

“Sit here,” Jiang Yuan was still smiling, her eyes tinted by the sunlight into a transparent reddish-brown color, “talk with Grandma, okay?”

Shi An sat on the edge of the hospital bed, leaning forward slightly.

Jiang Yuan gently covered the back of Shi An’s white hand with her calloused palm.

Her warm, soft, cloud-like gaze slowly traveled over Shi An’s face. Her light-colored lips carried a peaceful, soft smile.

Shi An’s eyes were so gentle that her heart trembled a little.

She remembered that when Shi An first moved to Qingjiu Alley at the age of five, he was almost not as tall as the luggage, and was thin enough that he could be blown away by a gust of wind. On the beautiful and immature face, there was no trace of happiness and childish pride and favor. Those amber eyes were as similar as Lu Qingzhi’s, with empty desolation and cold.

They didn’t look like the eyes of a five-year-old child at all, they were so hollow that it was scary.

When Shi An was five years old, Jiang Yuan was caught off guard by the shadow of Lu Qingzhi.

Jiang Yuan returned to her senses. She raised her eyes to search for the soft temperature under the teenager’s eyes, and sighed contentedly in her heart.

“…Xiao An…Grandma is sorry for you…”

Shi An was suddenly shocked and leaned back in confusion, looking at Jiang Yuan’s red eyes: “…What are you, talking about?”

“I’m not a qualified mother, I’ve never taught Xiao Qing how to love someone…” Jiang Yuan’s voice became more and more choked up, the last bit of smile at the top of her eyes melted away in the crystal tears, and gradually no trace of it could be found.

“…What are you talking about? What’s the point of mentioning her?” Shi An forced a smile and went to reach the tissue on the table, but his heart was thumping so fast that his fingertips were already cold.

How could Jiang Yuan not be a good mother? She was loving and gentle, seemingly full of soft love and enthusiasm for everything in the world.

Lu Qingzhi was just naturally cold.

Shi An folded the tissue paper carefully and raised it to cover Jiang Yuan’s eyes, but Jiang Yuan raised her hand and pushed it away gently but firmly.

She turned her head to look at Shi An, with a look that Shi An had never seen before.

Shi An’s heartbeat got faster and faster, but his eyes got calmer and calmer. He slowly lowered his hand holding the tissue and put it on his knee, looking at Jiang Yuan quietly through the silk-like sunlight.

Jiang Yuan’s eyes quickly hid behind the misty vapor, washing away the complex emotions.

“I’m really, a very, failed mother,” Jiang Yuan took a few breaths and reopened her mouth, but her voice became more and more choked up. “Xiao An…I really…When Xiao Yan was five or six years old…I divorced her dad. At that time, I was young, temperamental, and blunt so I never gave her a good look. I had never, never, cared about her…I knew she missed…missed her father…her father was better than me…I wouldn’t let, her go, to her father…I kept hitting her, scolding her…and telling her…that if she went to her father…I would break her legs. …”

“Before, I didn’t have a good house…to live in. I took her with me. She lived in the factory…at night, dozens or hundreds of people slept together…The air was not good…and it was noisy… She couldn’t sleep and cried all the time…It was stuffy in summer, and it was as cold as a cellar in winter…Sometimes, she was ill and uncomfortable, cried all night, and I was annoyed, so I, scolded her, and also beat… I…”

Jiang Yuan’s voice became more and more choked, her tears broke and the large patches haloed on the snow-white sheets in a dull dark color.

Shi An stiffened and sat on a chair, staring at the tiny floating dust in the air, and fell into a boundless trance.

If Jiang Yuan hadn’t been crying so sadly, he might have said, ‘are you kidding?’

Shi An lowered his head and found his fingertips trembling slightly. He closed his eyes and got up to bring the tissues over, but Jiang Yuan clasped his wrist and shouted his name one by one.

Jiang Yuan’s face was covered with tear marks. In Shi An’s memory, he had never seen Jiang Yuan in such a mess.

There was a buzzing roar in Shi An’s mind.

Jiang Yuan’s fingers were loosely gripping him with little strength. As long as he raised his hand, he would soon be able to break away from Jiang Yuan’s useless shackles.

Shi An sat down again and reached out to dry Jiang Yuan’s tears, but found no way to do so.

The tears blotted out like crushed grapes.

Jiang Yuan looked at him as if she had caught some life-saving straw. She opened her mouth and wanted to say something, Shi An raised his hand and gently covered her lips.

No matter what she said, Shi An didn’t want to listen anymore.

In the past, Shi An had tried his best to find Lu Qingzhi’s so-called suffering, but he did not find it.

All the expectations he had for Lu Qingzhi had long since dried up.

Now that the answer was right in front of him, he suddenly lost all his courage.

Because the answer came from Jiang Yuan.

Jiang Yuan gently pulled away his hand, tears streaming down unceasingly.

“Later…when she, was in the third, grade, I, remarried…remarried a country man met on blind date…There were six members in their family…two old people…and three young people, all older than the Xiao Qing…”

“I, I know…they were very, very bad to Xiao Qing…At that time, I… just wanted to live well with that…man… I just thought that he…had a house, I know, Xiao…Qing…was always bullied…I never, took care of it…”

“She lived at home…in the smallest …room. The lights…always flickered…didn’t have a bed…and window. The year of her college entrance examination…she was in that house… studying, and the man…brought friends home…drinking, playing cards…playing mahjong, and the house was not soundproof…I don’t know…how she got through it…”

“Later…that man and I…we were still divorced…”

“Xiao Qing…she had the misfortune of having a mother like me…she, she really…no one…ever loved her…and then she met Shi Wang…Shi Wang is almost ten years younger than her…I, I thought…Shi Wang couldn’t take care of her, but I’m not qualified to control her…”

“Shi Wang began to treat her very well… he said he wanted to… take her to live a good life, the two went to the big city, and later… Shi Wang began to gamble…He was in debt, he drank, he beat people up when he was drunk, he didn’t come home at night…he owed people money and left his address for them, so they came to his house twice a day…Later, he lost his job and stole money from Qingzhi to gamble…Xiao Qing was pregnant with you….for seven months…with a big belly, working in candy factory in the middle of winter… she went out to work…the money she made… still had to be stolen…”

“But she really, really, really loves, really, loves him…She has never been loved, she doesn’t know, how to…love, but still, loves him so much…”

Jiang Yuan’s voice was so choked up that it changed her tone, and her whole person was like a cookie soaked in hot water for a long time.

Shi An leaned on the back of the chair, with no expression on his face, blinking slowly with constant frequency.

His heart was as quiet as a pool of stagnant water, uncontrollably barren

“I…am not a good mother…also, I can’t make you have a good…mother, I, I …” Jiang Yuan’s shoulders trembled more and more. The usual gentle and low voice became coarse and hoarse, echoing brightly in the empty ward, like some kind of strange bird falling from the air, hissing and struggling.

Jiang Yuan spent too much energy, lying in bed and soon she went to sleep. Shi An dried his tears a little and put a hot towel on his eyes.

The summer sunset was like the petals of mashed balsam flowers, melting stickily between heaven and earth.

Shi An sat on a lounge chair in the hallway, staring at the orange-pink tiled floor in a daze.

He remembered Lu Qingzhi’s light-colored eyes, indistinct and ethereal voice like a wisp of light smoke, her gentle and desperate coolness, and the carelessness that came out of her bones.

He just suddenly felt very sad.

A desolate, quiet, endless sadness.

After he had let it all go, he suddenly learned the truth.

He might only be the victim of a failed marriage, but Lu Qingzhi was even more so.

He learned of Lu Qingzhi’s supposed misery as he wished, but he could not muster a shred of pleasure.

He was like a person who travelled across the mountains to find a certain answer. After a long journey, he finally reached the end, only to find with pain that the explanation that came too late was no longer what he had expected before.