It Seems There is Light

Shi An suddenly put down his chopsticks, turned around quickly, and covered his mouth with a violent choking cough.

Yan Liang almost threw the spoon out and stood up to help him pat his back.

Shi An’s eyes were red from choking and it took him a while to catch his breath. His eyes were still watery. He held the cup and took small sips of water.

Yan Liang saw that he was okay and was about to sit down when Shi An violently pushed the glass of water away and bent down, letting out a series of violent coughs.

Yan Liang: “…”

“What’s wrong with you today? How come you can choke even when drinking water?” Yan Liang was distressed but also wanted to laugh. He gave him a tissue and reached out to pat his back.

Shi An ignored him, and when Yan Liang thought he wouldn’t answer again, Shi An suddenly turned his head and said, “You’re talking to me?”

“…”

Yan Liang looked at him and frowned slightly.

Shi An had never exposed his emotions. Although Yan Liang knew him very well, sometimes he could not quite figure out what he was thinking.

But he always felt that Shi An was not in a good mood right now.

Especially every time he met Shi An’s eyes, he would be shocked by the quiet and blank sadness under Shi An’s eyes, but it seemed to be his illusion. Shi An’s expression was as cold as ever, and the light eyes were like amber dipped in snow water.

Yan Liang sighed in his heart: “It’s nothing, eat carefully, don’t choke anymore.”

The hospital dining hall was very close to the inpatient building, so after eating, Yan Liang went upstairs with Shi An and sat with Jiang Yuan for a while.

Jiang Yuan had cried too much in the afternoon and talked too much in one breath, and now she still looked a little tired. She slightly tilted her head sideways, avoiding Shi An’s eyes.

Shi An watched her movements, was slightly stunned, and then a soreness that he could not suppress began to rise up in his heart.

“Grandma.” Shi An called her softly, sounding like he was acting coquettish.

Never heard Shi An speak in this tone before, Jiang Yuan stared at him with rounded eyes.

Shi An was a little embarrassed, his cheeks flushed slightly, but he gritted his teeth and called out to Jiang Yuan again.

Jiang Yuan’s expression softened quickly. She slightly raised her left arm that was without infusion, and her wide cuff slipped down, revealing a pale and thin wrist.

Shi An stepped forward, biting his lips tightly, before turning his head to look at Yan Liang.

He was probably shy; his flushed cheeks added a bit of life to Shi An’s usually cold brow and eyes, the eyes shone with a sliver of water, and the eyelashes hung down.

Yan Liang was tickled by the tone of his voice and his throat tightened slightly. He hurriedly withdrew his eyes from Shi An’s reddened earlobe and turned his back, sitting with his face to the wall.

Shi An saw him turn around before he buried his head in Jiang Yuan’s raised arm and plopped down on the edge of the bed.

Shi An rarely acted in such an affectionate manner, not as a child and even less so now. Jiang Yuan carefully took Shi An into her arms, gently stroked his back, and whispered, “You don’t blame Grandma?”

Her voice was still a little hoarse, low and mellow. Shi An quickly thought of the light blue sheets burning in the sun, the hyacinths at the flower store at the intersection, and the sleepy cat curled up in a ball on a spring day.

Shi An buried his cheek into Jiang Yuan’s arms, trying to catch the familiar scent, but all that lingered in his nose was the cold smell of drip and antiseptic.

Shi An’s nose suddenly became sore, and his eye sockets were dull and painful. He shook his head vigorously, but did not dare to speak, for fear that the choking sound that had reached his throat would leak out uncontrollably.

Jiang Yuan’s arm went around his back and slowly stroked the top of his hair, her fingertips were slightly cold.

After lying in Jiang Yuan’s arms for a while, Shi An straightened up and adjusted his expression to his usual expression, but the eyes were still slightly red.

Yan Liang perked up his ears for a while and couldn’t help but tilt his head back to find Shi An’s eyes: “Are you okay?”

Shi An slightly shook his head: “I’m going to the bathroom.”

Yan Liang was a little hesitant to follow him, and just as he stood up, Jiang Yuan’s fingers loosely tugged at the hem of his shirt.

“What’s wrong?” Yan Liang immediately stopped moving, bent down and moved forward, slightly tilting his head sideways.

“Xiao Liang, can you help Auntie bring something over if you go home tonight?”

“Bring what? Where?”

“In the book shelf in my room,” Jiang Yuan stretched out her hand and gestured in a shape, said, “Isn’t there a drawer in the middle of the book shelf? There’s a photo album in there, so bring that album for Auntie. Zhaozi1 has the key to our house.”

“Okay,” Yan Liang nodded and reached out to straighten the pillow so that Jiang Yuan could lean more comfortably, “I’ll bring it to you tomorrow, I won’t bother you tonight.”

Jiang Yuan raised her hand and patted Yan Liang’s arm: “You’ve worked hard too. You run so many times every day.”

Shi An came from the bathroom, leaning against the door, looking up at Yan Liang with a light smile at the corner of his mouth: “It’s a hard work.”

“You’re polite to me too? En?” Yan Liang went forward and rubbed Shi An’s hair with both hands. Shi An did not hide, slightly lowered his head and obediently let him rub it.

Yan Liang’s heart couldn’t stop turning into a pool of water because of Shi An’s soft hair. He felt that if he continued to rub, he might not be able to control the desire to take Shi An’s whole body into his arms and hold it tightly. He stopped moving and straightened Shi An’s hair that was a bit messy.

“Then I’ll go back first?” Yan Liang slightly bent down to find Shi An’s line of sight.

“Okay, I’ll see you off.” Shi An nodded.

Yan Liang didn’t let him send him, so the two said goodbye at the stairs.

The air in the summer night was still sultry. The remnants of the sun’s breath mixed with the hot evening breeze and poured into the nose. The starry sky and the crowded lights in the small town were connected together. The old man on the side of the road was shaking his fan, and the soft words of Wu Nong were melting into the chaos of heaven and earth.

Yan Liang walked slowly along the Nanxing Bridge.

In summer, many people came to the bridge for a walk, walking and laughing in twos and threes. Children were running wildly. Occasionally, someone laughed and cursed, and then picked up children with their face flushed. Despite their wailing, they picked up paper towels and wiped their heads and face clean of wet sweat.

Yan Liang walked back and forth along the bridge, before he walked off it at ten o’clock and headed back to Qingjiu Alley.

The neighbors sat at the entrance of the alley to take a cool break. Someone was holding a guitar, not very skillfully playing a lazy tune. Yan Liang turned into the alley, the guitar stopped immediately, and a group of people roared around.

“It doesn’t seem to be in a particularly good state… It’s okay, Xiao An is also okay…” Yan Liang responded quickly to their words. He took a bunch of green grapes that he didn’t know where they came from, grabbed and bit a few of them. He was a little thirsty, and the green fruit rolled coldly to the throat.

“Where’s my dad?” Yan Liang swept a few glances and waved his hand at Yan Zhao who was nibbling on an apple, “Dad, give me the key to Xiao An’s house, I need to bring something over to Auntie.”

Yan Zhao held the apple in his mouth and bit it. He got up and walked back into the house. After a while, he threw the key over from afar: “Take it!”

Several people stood up to catch it, and accidentally hit their heads together, screaming while holding their heads. Yan Liang smiled as he picked up the keys that fell on the ground. After finishing the green grapes in a few bites, he slowly walked in the direction of Shi An’s house.

Jiang Yuan’s room was small and warmly decorated, with books neatly arranged in a wooden storage box, watercolor paintings in soft tones hanging on the walls, and shaggy carpets that tickled the soles of his feet softly when he stepped on them.

Yan Liang found the drawer Jiang Yuan mentioned; there were three of them. He pulled open all of them from left to right, and soon saw two thick, hardcover books lying in the rightmost drawer.

Yan Liang pulled out both books.

The first was a book that looked more like a photo album, and the other looked more like a hard cover notebook. Yan Liang casually turned the hard cover notebook over, and then the pages full of dense handwriting transcribed into his eyes unguarded.

Yan Liang slowly opened his eyes wide, the temperature of his fingertips receded little by little.

The same name was repeatedly written on a whole page, over and over, tirelessly.

[Yan Liang]

[Yan Liang Yan Liang Yan Liang Yan Liang Yan Liang Yan Liang Yan Liang Yan Liang Yan Liang Yan Liang Yan Liang Yan Liang Yan Liang Yan Liang Yan Liang Yan Liang Yan Liang…]

This was Shi An’s handwriting.

Yan Liang’s brain was crashing, and the noisy heartbeat beat wildly on the eardrum. He slowly knelt down and sat down on the ground, stroking the familiar handwriting with his eyes over and over again in disbelief.

He was sure that this was Shi An’s handwriting, the brush was not as sharp as it was now, slightly childish but the strokes were clear.

Yan Liang trembling fingers carefully stroked the slightly sunken strokes on the page, and the sweat from his fingertips slightly smudged the black writing.

He adjusted his chaotic breathing, and with the gentlest of movements, he slowly flipped the pages.

Five pages.

Shi An had written his name all over the five pages, with a different word written in the lower right corner of each page.

Yan Liang read the five words together.

[It seems there is light]

Yan Liang closed his eyes hard and endured the discomfort brought about by his rapid heartbeat, and braced himself to turn to the next pages.

Shi An didn’t write any further, and all that followed were blank pages. About a dozen pages later, three big words suddenly appeared on the page.

[I like]2

It was probably written a few years ago; the handwriting, which had not yet become sharp, was slightly childish. Yan Liang opened his eyes wide and stared at Shi An’s handwriting until his eyes became sore and a physical fog came up from the bottom of his eyes.

He thought of the time that year, when he asked Shi An if he had anyone he liked, Shi An said yes.

That kind of free of impurities’ gentleness and almost pious cautiousness filled Shi An’s eyes.

When he deliberately distanced himself from Shi An, Shi An always looked at him as if they had been separated for a long, long time.

That day in the corridor of the hospital, Shi An’s eyes were fragile to the point of breaking and the quiet endless sorrow.

It turned out that those eyes were all reserved for him.

Yan Liang closed the book and hugged it to his heart, slowly and slowly crouched down, his forehead resting heavily on the carpet.

As long as he thought he had unwittingly hurt Shi An, his heart throbbed uncontrollably, hurting beyond words, hurting so much that he wanted to curl up into a ball and shed tears.

This fool might have liked him for a long time, might have walked on thin ice for him, tossed and turned for him.

At some point, Shi An looked so fragile that it looked like it would be broken to pieces in the next second, but this fool could always hide all the fragility as quickly as possible, like a small animal that had its territory ringed, curled up in a ball and swallowed its tears of grief.

Yan Liang clutched the hardcover notebook. His chest was raging with emotions thicker than blood, blocking him to the point of being unable to breathe.

“Shi An…” Yan Liang softly cried Shi An’s name dreamily, stumbling as he straightened up and clutching the book tightly to his heart.

He wanted to see Shi An.

Right now.

But after being separated for a few hours, he suddenly missed Shi An so much.

So much so that he was going crazy.

Yan Liang rushed to the stairs, but reason made him stop immediately.

Jiang Yuan must have rested, and Shi An had been tired all day.

Tomorrow, see him tomorrow.

Yan Liang rested his knuckles on the cold wooden handrails, and his gaze stopped in the boundless void.

But he really missed Shi An.

Yan Liang lowered his eyes, his heart welled up with an almost aggressive sourness. He seemed to have been pressed on the pause button, stiffening his body on the line of light and darkness.

See him tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Yan Liang comforted himself again and again, letting go of all his strength, and fell to the floor, leaning against the handrail that was still cold in summer.

The light leaking out of the room stretched the shadow for a long time.

Yan Zhao, his father. Zi means nothing here. It is to make the word ‘symmetrical’ because nouns need to be two syllables

wo xihuan