Kimi ni Koi wo Suru Nante, Arienai Hazu Datta

My room is actually pretty huge, huh, I thought to myself in wonderment.

My belongings were taken away earlier this morning. I’d already moved all my large furniture and appliances to my new residence, but after sending away my books, clothes, PC, and other miscellaneous items as well, my room felt weirdly empty.

I threw myself on my bed and heaved out a huge sigh, exhausted from all the moving I did. Even this bed, which I’ve used for so long that the shape of my body was practically carved onto it, was going to be given away to my uncle whose knees have apparently gotten so weak he’s having trouble using a traditional futon.

I laid there idly for a while, and just as I was about to fall asleep, my smartphone, 30 centimeters away from my nose, briefly vibrated. Looks like I got a message.

Up to anything tomorrow, Yassan?

It came from Katsuya. I thought he’d be a bit more downtrodden due to his decision to become a ronin so early, but when I met him the other day, he seemed a little happy and told me, “Now I can be in the same class as Asuka-chan.” Suffice it to say, his overly optimistic view somewhat baffled me at the time.

Back to the message, I didn’t have any plans for tomorrow since my move would be taking place the day after tomorrow. But I’d already sent most of my stuff over, so spending the entire day at home wouldn’t be much fun, either.

Speaking of which, I’d planned on taking the bullet train to my apartment the day after tomorrow, but I no longer had access to documents that could prove my student status, meaning I would lose out on the discounts available to students.

My commuter pass had expired long ago, and there wasn’t enough of a difference between the bullet train’s student fare and regular fare to justify purchasing a subway ticket all the way to my high school and back.

I pondered over what I should do, and eventually settled on riding my bike to school and grabbing the documents tomorrow since I was free. Besides, I could really use the exercise. The journey to school was a smooth, thirteen, fourteen-ish kilometer road. It’d be a pain in the ass if it rained, but I checked the weather forecast and found that the atmospheric pressure tomorrow should be high nationwide, meaning sunny and clear skies.

I’m gonna head to school to grab some documents for student discounts.

A reply came about 5 minutes later.

Ah. Well, perfect timing. I’m also thinking about heading to school tomorrow for some stuff. Wanna hang out somewhere later?

Hooh. I nodded to myself. Katsuya, too, was someone I might not be able to meet for a while. He was one of my closest friends, so this was a great opportunity for me to see him one last time.

Alright.

Soon after my reply, he sent over an approximate time for us to meet at school.

The next day.

I had a late lunch and shaved my beard before I made my way to school. The skies were clear, the wind was light, and the air was warm. I’d put on a hoodie just in case, but it grew so hot that I immediately took it off while I was waiting for the pedestrian light to turn green.

While I pedaled at a leisurely pace, I let my eyes wander over to the surrounding view. The scenery along the national highway and the rural landscape was something I’d gotten used to over the years, but when it occurred to me that this might be my last look of the area, I felt sad.

After about an hour or so, I arrived at school. Spring break had already started, so there were barely any students to be seen inside the building. Apart from the sound of my own footsteps walking down the corridor, all I could hear was the occasional shouts of students doing club activities, making the area strangely quiet.

After I managed to obtain the documents from a fairly blunt staff member, I headed outside to look for Katsuya. There was still plenty of time before the actual meeting time, but it turns out he was already there, leaning against the fence by the shrubbery.

“Hey.” I waved at him. However, Katsuya abruptly brought the phone in his hand to his ear. He seemed to be on the phone with someone.

In order to avoid disturbing him, I crept up silently. When I got close enough, I ended up unintentionally eavesdropping on his conversation.

“Hello, Comrade Uchida? This is Saito. I’ve successfully sighted the target, Iijima.”

Huh…?

What was going on? I tilted my head in confusion. He glanced at me and grinned before grabbing my arm with his free hand.

“Roger that! I will now bring the target to the aforementioned location!”

Once he finished speaking, he started walking while forcefully bringing me along by the arm.

“Hey…! Where are we going?!” I protested.

“Hm? To the karaoke place in front of the station. Everybody’s already waiting.”

“Everybody…?”

“The whole class is holding a celebratory party, you see… Well, not the whole class technically, since there’ll only be boys there.”

“What?!”

I was shocked by the sudden turn of events. I’d thought it’d only be me and Katsuya today, but apparently I was wrong.

“We’ve actually been planning this for a long time. Everybody was on board with the idea of having a celebration once the second semester ended,” he continued.

I hadn’t given my phone number or handle to anybody besides Katsuya, so no one had told me beforehand. It wasn’t like they were trying to ostracize me, they just had this preconceived notion in their mind that whenever they had something to tell me, they would tell it to Katsuya since he’d probably tell me, too. So if he decided to withhold that information from me, I would’ve been none the wiser to their party.

“But lately you’ve been trying to avoid contact with the others, right? So I thought if I just straight up told you about the party, you wouldn’t come.”

True. If he’d asked me, “Wanna have a party with the class?” I’d probably refuse him using my upcoming move as an excuse. I didn’t hate my classmates, I just found large gatherings of people to be too bothersome and tiring. I don’t mind if they call me a “recluse” or “antisocial” because of it; soon I won’t have anything to do with them anyways.

So when he said “perfect timing” in his email yesterday, this is what he meant. He must’ve originally intended to lure me into coming to school, but ended up not even having to do so when I told him I would be coming myself.

Perhaps this is also why he had sent me a predetermined meeting time. I was amazed at how skillfully he planned this all out. At the same time, I slumped my shoulders in dejection at how easily I’d fallen for his trap, just like what’d happened with Wada on the first day of my return to school.

Katsuya, perhaps sensing my wariness, smiled in an attempt to soothe me.

“Uchida and the others really wanted to see you. It wouldn’t hurt to at least give them one final goodbye before you leave, right?”

I couldn’t say no to that. After all, I did owe Uchida for his help last time, so I couldn’t just ignore him after hearing that he wanted to see me.

“Alright, let me go grab my bike,” I said. He finally let go of my arm, but perhaps out of fear that I might run away, followed me all the way to where my bike was parked.

“Let’s ride together! You know, like in that one movie,” he exclaimed before mentioning a well-known anime film. However, in that movie, the two people riding together were a couple of innocent, junior-high-school lovebirds. What on earth would we accomplish by trying to imitate them?

Not having the patience to entertain him, I annoyedly turned him down. “There isn’t any space at the back, so no.”

Arriving at the 3-storied karaoke establishment, I found my former classmates already gathered at the lobby. There were about twenty of them in number, and although I didn’t see any of the loud or showy types, almost all of the rest of the boys were present. Despite everybody being on holiday, Uchida, who presumably organized the event, was able to gather this many people. I was thoroughly impressed at how popular and charismatic he was.

“It’s been a while, man.” “Same here.” Everybody exchanged similar greetings as the room fees were collected from each of us. Since a group of our size couldn’t possibly fit in a single room, we were split evenly between two rooms on the second floor, being told that we could move freely between them whenever we liked.

I immediately chose the same room as Katsuya without a moment’s hesitation. I have no idea when he practiced this, but he sang the theme song of one of those magical girl animes in falsetto surprisingly well. This in turn likely spurred the other boys to do the same with other similar songs, turning the inside of our room into a sort of “anime song festival.”

I just watched from the sidelines as I ate some of the snacks brought to our room. Sometimes I would have the mic passed to me, and in order to keep the mood lively, I would follow along.

When I noticed my glass was empty, I got up to get a refill from the drinks bar. Leaving behind the strangely hot and humid room along with the raucous noise was a little gratifying and relieving.

I leisurely made my way toward the vending machine near the stairs. Placing my cup under the “Ginger Ale” sign, I started filling my cup when suddenly, I heard a girl’s voice from behind. “Huh?”

“Is that you, Iijima-kun?”

When I turned around, I saw another one of my former classmates, Ootsuka Kokona, standing in front of me. In her hand was an empty cup, just like mine, but for some reason she was wearing her school uniform.

She curiously peered at my face, and started speaking in her usual laidback tone.

“For a moment I thought I had the wrong person, you know? You look like a completely different person, like Tetsujin 28 or something~”

What “28” is she talking about? In any case, it seems she’s pretty surprised by how I look in my casual attire. That reminds me, Kumiko also said something similar once before, didn’t she? The memory made me feel a little nostalgic.

“Well, why are you in your school uniform then?” I asked, to which she replied, “Wearing this after graduating makes it feel like I’m cosplaying, you know?” It didn’t sound like a legitimate reason at all.

“Who are you here with, Iijima-kun?”

“Let’s see, there’s Uchida, Sasaki, and the other boys from the class. We’re having a sort of farewell party, I think?”

She nodded repeatedly, her short-cut hair bobbing up and down.

“I see. I did hear that Uchida was planning some sort of farewell party, but to think it’d be today, huh. We’re having one, too, you see. Almost all of the girls in our class are here.”

Thump. My heart suddenly beat faster. She said “almost all of the girls” are here, which means there’s a high chance her close friend, that girl, is here, too.

But what does it matter to me? With that line of thought, I managed to recompose myself. I replied with a perfunctory “I see,” and Ootsuka, still happily smiling, added.

“I also saw some people from the other classes.”

“Looks like everybody had the same idea, huh?”

I gave a wry smile. The whole building was probably crowded with people from my school.

We exchanged other pleasantries like, “What kind of songs did you sing, Iijima-kun?” “Nah, I just did what I do best: watching from the sidelines,” when I noticed a familiar face walking down the corridor. It was Uchida. He, too, appeared to have come for drinks.

“Ah, if it isn’t Tsuka. Fancy meeting you here.”

“Hey, Ucchi~”

They proceeded to ask each other the exact same questions I asked earlier, namely “Who are you here with?” and “Why are you in your school uniform?”

“Hmm, can you really sing at karaokes, Ucchi?” she teased and giggled. Uchida, eyes wide open, replied without hesitation.

“What’re you saying? I’m so good I could go pro if I wanted to.”

“Really?”

“I’ll head over to your room later and show you. Just you wait.”

“Right, Meshi-chan?” he suddenly addressed me.

To be honest I wasn’t too keen on going to a room full of girls, but I couldn’t just put on an unwilling face in front of Ootsuka either, so I just went along and said, “Yeah.”

After that, Uchida invited me to his group’s room. His group was entirely composed of former members of various sports clubs, and as such, the room was filled with a pungent masculine smell even more pronounced than the one in mine. I had befriended all of them back during the summer training camp, so when I came in, they readily welcomed me and told me to have a seat anywhere.

Uchida and I sat down on a couple of empty seats next to each other. He then sipped on the Coke he had just gotten, and after the other boys finished their song, spoke to them.

“Just now I met Tsuka at the drinks bar. Apparently she’s here with some of the girls in our class.”

No sooner had the words left his mouth than Sasaki Ryou, a former tennis club member, quickly followed up.

“Wait, really? Which room did she say they were in?”

“Err, I’m pretty sure she said room 314,” I replied.

Immediately, he said, “Excuse me,” and walked right past me, straight toward the door. Uchida just stared at him with a smirk on his face.

Today, I learnt something new. It looks like Uchida and I have surprisingly similar tastes when it comes to music. It went a little something like this: Uchida would choose a song, and I would say, “Oh, I know this song.” He would then say, “Let’s sing it together then!” before forcibly handing me the mic. This repeated itself multiple times and before long, everybody acknowledged me as “Uchida’s duo partner.” Meanwhile, Sasaki never came back to the room, but no one seemed too concerned about it.

“It’s time to get dancing. Are you all ready?”

“Hold up. It’s gettin’ hot here, so I’mma take my shirt off.”

In the end, I ended up participating in their boys’ frolicking for quite some time. I was beginning to wonder if I should head back to Katsuya’s room when my “partner”, Uchida, sat next to me.

“Aight, we’re about done here so it’s time to make do on our promise.”

“Promise…?”

A bad feeling welled up in my stomach.

“Obviously I’m talking about the promise we made to Tsuka. The one where we head to their room for my performance. Don’t tell me you’ve already forgotten.”

He left me no chance to escape as he tightly grabbed my arm. Forcefully dragging me out of the room with a smile on his face, he took us up the stairs to the third floor.

…I fervently prayed so that the worst wouldn’t come to pass.

“Oh… I see. So Matsui-san won’t be available tomorrow. It’s alright, I’ll be free tomorrow at noon.”

I’d left the room and made my way to the relatively quieter emergency exit, where I picked up a phone call. It was from my manager at my part-time workplace. A vacancy had just opened up for tomorrow’s day shift and they were scrambling for a replacement, so they called me and asked if I could fill in tomorrow’s day shift in addition to the night shift I already had.

I had just barely made it into the women’s college in Tokyo, and immediately after the graduation ceremony, I decided to take a part-time job to make good use of my free time. However, there weren’t many good job opportunities near my home, and the city wasn’t ideal either because it would make commuting a hassle. So as a compromise, I decided to scout out the area around Chiba station to see if they had any decent job openings. Although it was located in the opposite direction of the prep school I’d enrolled in during my high school times, I still visited this station frequently enough that it was familiar to me.

There were many restaurants with job openings in the station’s vicinity, but the one I chose to go for an interview at was an Irish pub bar. Since their hourly wage was higher than others in the area, I came into the interview fully prepared for the possibility of being rejected, but in the end the whole thing went without a hitch and I got hired as a floor waitress.

The senior shift manager was strict, and I was constantly scolded for my “weird speaking habits” and “slow cleaning times” from day one. But I hated losing and was determined to learn the ins and outs of my job. As a result, I’ve been getting noticeably fewer warnings over the past few days, and today, finally, I managed to complete my day shift without a single reprimand from my manager.

After that, I attended a party at a karaoke bar near my old high school with the girls in my class, albeit slightly late, when I got a phone call right in the middle of the festivities, bringing us back to the present. Also, at the request of the event’s organizer, Kokona, we all came in our high school uniforms. I was reluctant at first since it’d just end up as extra baggage to carry, but ultimately I caved in, telling myself that it’d be the last time I wore it. All the girls got together for a picture, which was a huge hit with the other girls.

“So I’ll be working the day shift and night shift, then. I’ll be in your care,” I said before ending the call. Looks like tomorrow’s going to be a long day. Just thinking about it made me exhausted, but I quickly switched gears, thinking that it was all for my part-time job.

I wonder what I should buy with my paycheck later. I idly swiped the screen of my smartphone with such thoughts in mind. I checked to see if there were any new notifications, but no. All there was were ads and random messages from those I knew; nothing I was particularly looking forward to.

Here we go again. My head cast downward, I reread the message I got from Kimura Shin on the night after the graduation ceremony. God knows how many times I’ve read this by now, and yet I keep coming back to it, probably because it’s become a sort of habit at this point.

“I heard straight from Iijima-kun this morning that apparently, he isn’t actually dating the girl you saw him with the other day. Have you heard about it?”

When I first read this, I was stunned by how brazen he was. He isn’t close to Iijima by any stretch of the imagination, and somehow he just goes up to him and asks? But on the other hand, reading this one paragraph made me immensely relieved.

“I didn’t”

That was the short reply I’d given him. He then proceeded to send an emoji of a cartoon-ish dog smirking widely.

“I see. Well, I’m sure something good will happen to you if you wait a little longer. Isn’t that great, Ema?”

The heck? was what I’d thought at the time, but I decided to believe in what he’d said and waited. However, that “something good” that he said would happen hasn’t happened yet. But then again, it’s Shin, so maybe he was just joking around in the first place. In hindsight, I’m not sure if I should’ve done something differently.

For now, I headed back to room 314 where the girls were waiting for me. I stowed my phone away in my pocket and started walking.

“Ema-chan!”

Suddenly, someone called out to me. I looked to see who it was and saw a man wearing his cap at an angle, standing in the corner of the room and hiding in the shadows. It was Ryou Sasaki, a classmate of mine during my third grade of high school. It almost seemed as if he’d been lying there, waiting in ambush this entire time. Surprised, I called out to him.

“Huh, Sasaki-kun? What’re you doing here?”

“Me and the boys from our class are havin’ a karaoke session together. Uchida said that the girls came, too, so here I am.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, he grabbed onto my arm and said, “Can I have a word with you?” He then dragged me to an empty, unused room.

What if he suddenly tries to assault me here? But Shiina and the others are in the room next door, so I should be okay. With those fears in mind, I nervously took a seat as Sasaki closed the door behind me. He then sat diagonally across from me before speaking in a theatrical tone.

“The truth is, there’s something I want to say to you…”

“…What is it?”

“Maybe you’ve already realized it by now, but I like you. Please go out with me.”

Huh? I was caught off guard by the sudden development. I’d never realized his feelings, let alone predicted that this would happen. In fact, during last summer’s outdoor camp, he came all the way to the girls’ dorm just to passionately confess his love to Miyu, didn’t he?

“Why…? And since when…?”

“After our summer vacation, I was surprised at how cute you’d become. Oh, but it’s not like I’m saying you weren’t cute before. It’s just, the way you are now really tugs on my heartstrings. From that point on, my heart would always race every time I saw you. Even after graduating, I couldn’t get you out of my mind. So I thought I just had to tell you, no matter what.”

After summer vacation? That was around the time I changed my hairstyle. To attract a certain someone’s attention. Anyways, it was also around that time that Sasaki got rejected by Juuri, so timing-wise his story checked out. Which reminds me, on Valentine’s Day, he jokingly asked me for some chocolate. But I never would’ve thought that he was actually being serious.

“Oh, did you actually not notice?” he somewhat bashfully asked.

“Ah… no…”

“But I’ve already thought long and hard about this. I even asked Juuri, and she said you weren’t dating anybody.”

Well, yeah, I’m not dating anybody at the moment. She isn’t wrong about that, per se, but I would’ve preferred if she didn’t share my single status to the world.

That said, however, if I say something unnecessary here, I might end up digging my own grave again. I racked my brains, searching for the best reply, when Sasaki continued in an unusually calm tone.

“…Do you perhaps have someone you can’t get out of your mind?”

“Huh?”

“When I heard you didn’t have a boyfriend, I thought, ‘What a lucky break!’ But a part of me also found it a little suspicious. I get it, he’s a nice guy and he’s hot to boot, so I’m sure it must be hard to just forget him.”

For a moment, the phrase “someone you can’t get out of your mind” panicked me, but I realized that he was probably referring to Shin, my childhood friend who was crazy about my sister.

I guess a lot of people are still under the impression that Shin is my ex-boyfriend or something. Although it perturbed me, I decided not to bother correcting him since it’d be too much trouble.

“But dragging out past loves for too long is hard, isn’t it? Who knows, maybe dating another man will finally let you move on.”

Again, I knew he was misunderstanding, but his oddly piercing remark rattled my nerves once more.

It was true; having these out-of-control feelings weighing down on me was hard. Neither during the first day of school nor during the graduation ceremony did he talk to me, not even once. Maybe that’s the response he’s chosen. So, just as Sasaki and the stuffed mascot at the cultural festival said, the wise thing for me to do in this situation would be to “move on and find someone else.” That I knew full well.

But…

When I flusteredly clammed up, Sasaki stood up and took one step closer to me.

“So, what do you say? Why don’t you go out with me as a test run of sorts?” he asked.

“Oooh, so you really decided to come!”

As soon as the two of us entered the room, Ootsuka giggled and laughed amusedly. The other girls also welcomed the arrival of the affable Uchida, although they didn’t seem to notice me, either because they didn’t see me sticking closely behind him or recognize me in my casual clothes and glasses.

Room 314 had 7 girls inside it; all of them classmates of mine. For some reason, they were all wearing their high school uniforms as they sat on couches set up around the square room. There was Ootsuka Kokona and her best friend, Andou Juuri, but no sign of Mochida Miyu, or Kitaoka for that matter. In an instant, I could feel the weights on my chest seamlessly disappear, as if they had been completely taken away.

As I stood against the wall, I noticed a large paper bag sitting in the corner. Glancing at its contents, I saw several old-school shoujo manga with their covers facing up.

I wonder who’s into those… My thoughts were abruptly interrupted when Ootsuka made her way past me and handed the remote control to Uchida. “Alright, why don’tcha sing something?”

“Hmm… Meshi-chan, wanna do the one we just did?”

“Yep, sounds good to me.”

“Okay, I’ll do the rapping and you do the singing.”

“But I’m only gonna be doing one song, okay?” I whispered into his ear. He nodded several times in response.

The intro started playing, and the girls started clapping. The bright mood was so infectious, I ended up getting excited too despite my earlier apprehension.

“Make sure to come over and visit, too, alright~?”

Uchida said his goodbyes once the outro finished, and I quickly turned around, not wanting to make too much eye contact with the girls. The girls pleaded for one more song, but Uchida turned them down, saying, “That’s the only song we know.”

At any rate, I was glad I managed to get by smoothly without too many slip-ups in front of the girls. I walked down the hallway with my shoulders slumped as a wave of exhaustion washed over me.

“Aight, see you later.”

“Yeah. Don’t forget to give us a call sometime.”

By the time I left the building, dusk was beginning to settle, and what remained of the midday sun was sinking, surrounded by crimson red clouds.

Some decided to continue the festivities elsewhere, but I along with several others broke off the main group and headed for the train station to go home. The all-boys party ended up being surprisingly lively, and the three hours that the party ran for ended up passing by in the blink of an eye. Although I was reluctant to join the party at first, I now found myself wishing it had continued a little longer.

After walking along the main road for a while, I entered the station and was about to buy a ticket at the ticket machine when I suddenly realized something.

“Ah…”

“What’s wrong, Yassan?”

“Aren’t I supposed to be using my bicycle?”

I was so accustomed to using the train that I completely forgot I had pedaled my bike all the way here. Katsuya should’ve known this too, but I guess he forgot just like me. “Oh, right,” he said somewhat sadly as he looked down.

“Well, Yassan… I guess this is goodbye. Take care.”

I put on a smile in an attempt to drown out the somber mood.

“You know, I’m sure you won’t be studying all the time, so just come over and visit when you want to take a breather.”

“I’ll always be waiting,” I added. He looked straight at me, and I noticed his round eyes were already beginning to tear up a little.

“I swear I’ll visit you soon. Make sure to make some room for me.”

I did think he was blowing things out of proportion since we would only be away from each other for a while. But I was neither cruel nor heartless enough to mockingly laugh at his sentiments. After all, I love him too. So, I comforted him, lightly hugging his shoulder and telling him to turn his frown upside down.

I thought the boys around us would make fun of us, but surprisingly enough they also directed sad gazes at us. However, the train was going to arrive soon, so they gently urged him and said, “C’mon, we have to get going.”

“Okay then. See you. Bye-bye.”

“Yeah. See you.”

An announcement came over the speakers, informing that the train was approaching. I watched as my old friends disappeared past the ticket gate and continued to do so until I could see them no more.

“See you, Ema. Good luck at your part-time job.”

After our treasurer Juri paid the bill at the cashier, she said goodbye to everybody and left through the front entrance. The other girls were going to a family restaurant to have an after-party, but I refused because I had an entire day’s worth of work at my part-time job tomorrow.

Alone, I dragged my feet to the back entrance, since it was slightly closer to my home. With me, I carried a paper bag with a lot of manga inside it and held it against my chest. Kokona returned these to me earlier and apologized, saying, “Sorry for borrowing these for so long. They were super interesting.” I don’t think she should’ve returned these on a day like this, but then again, if I refused her, surely I’d end up inconveniencing her as well. So, I hid my displeasure and accepted the bag.

Haaaah…

The bag was heavy, but the same could be said about my heart. In the end, I left Sasaki’s confession on hold, unanswered. I had been mulling it over, but eventually he said, “You don’t have to give me a reply now. Just think about it,” and left.

Come to think of it, apparently some boys from our class came over and visited our room while I was with Sasaki… Well, I know he isn’t the type of person to come to a room full of girls anyways. In fact, I doubt he’d even come to a class gathering in the first place. He’s hardly ever shown up to school since the beginning of the year, and he doesn’t seem to be the type of person who likes to hang out with others either.

My mind was so preoccupied with those thoughts that the moment I stepped outside, I didn’t even notice the difference in ground level.

I hurriedly put my feet out only to find it blocked by something, causing me to bump into it. It was a passerby. The sudden loss of momentum sent the paper bag tumbling from my hand and onto the ground.

“Ah!”

Can this day get any worse? I inwardly cursed my horrible luck today. My eyes still cast downward, I noticed that the knees of the person I’d bumped into had stiffened in shock.

By the time I finally arrived at the karaoke bar’s second parking lot, my steps had become hurried and impatient. The bicycle lot was located beside the building’s back door, so I’d decided to cut through the second parking lot since it was faster. Tomorrow was the day of my move, so I wanted to get home as fast as possible.

I walked past the door when suddenly, I felt a powerful thud from my side. Someone must’ve just come out from the door and bumped into me.

“Ah!” came a shout as manga books scattered across the floor. They had probably been carrying them by their chest.

I was about to hurriedly apologize to them, but when I noticed who they were, I fell speechless. My whole body stiffened.

Kitaoka…

This hair color, and this height… Since she had bent down to collect her manga, I couldn’t see her face, but I had no doubt it was her. To think I would bump into her in a place like this. It was unexpected, sure, but perhaps I didn’t see her because she’d left the room while I was visiting. She must’ve been part of the girls-only celebration, too.

With trembling hands, I picked up one of the manga and said, “Here,” before handing it to her. She then said, “Thank you,” and looked up at me.

“Ah…”

She froze for a moment when she saw my face, but then, as if regaining her composure, she accepted the book and stuffed it into the paper bag, its handle now torn.

The manga in the paper bag was the same shoujo manga I saw earlier in room 314. I knew because it was a well-known title. I’m pretty sure my sister also borrowed some from her friend and read them.

“You read books like those?”

I pointed at the one in her hand, and she slowly shook her head.

“My sister does.”

“Is that so?”

“Kokona apologized to me just now and returned what she’d borrowed a long time ago…”

So basically, she lent her sister’s manga to Ootsuka, and Ootsuka returned them to her just moments ago.

When she finally finished putting everything back inside, she held the paper bag with both of her arms and slowly stood up.

“You’re carrying quite the load there, huh.”

In addition to the paper bag, she had an extra two bags she was carrying. I’m not sure where her house is, but surely it’d be difficult for her to walk all the way home with all that.

“Where are the other girls?”

“They went for an after-party. But I have my part-time job tomorrow, so I didn’t join them…”

Which means she doesn’t have anyone else to help hold them for her. I couldn’t just stand there and do nothing, so I offered her a suggestion.

“Do you want to put them in my basket? I came with my bike today.”

It also doubled as an apology for bumping into her earlier. Her expression turned complicated once more, and she fell silent. I knew our relationship with each other was awkward at the moment, but I couldn’t just stand there and watch, so I reflexively offered to help… but maybe I was being too much of a busybody again.

“Sorry, if you don’t want to, it’s okay.”

Her face twitched and eventually, her lips slowly formed her reply.

“…I’d like to take you up on your offer, please.”

I put her manga in the front basket and pushed my bike along. The city and the scenery were illuminated in the same golden color as the sunset, and I somewhat regretted not bringing my camera with me.

Next to me, Kitaoka quietly spoke.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

I had been avoiding her ever since last year’s end-of-term ceremony, and she too hadn’t spoken to me ever since the last day of winter break. I had met her by chance once at the train station on a school day, but the last time we’d actually had a real conversation with each other was about three months ago. Perhaps because we hadn’t spoken for so long, the atmosphere was awkward, and coupled with the fact that I was pushing my bike, it reminded me of that one time during summer vacation.

“…You know, Uchida actually brought me along with him to the girls’ room at one point, but you weren’t there.”

She gave a faint smile and replied.

“I see. I had some stuff to do outside, so maybe it was then. I wished I’d been there.”

No, I was actually relieved you weren’t there to listen to my horrible singing. However, the “stuff to do outside” part strangely stuck in my mind.

“Were you perhaps talking with Sasaki?” I asked somewhat heatedly.

I heard a gulp from her. Blind guess thought it was, apparently I was spot-on. Her tone suddenly turned panicked as she replied.

“Well, he had something he wanted to talk about. Actually, it was more of a request…”

“Huh…”

“Ah, but I’ll make sure to turn down anything I can’t do. Yup, I’ll turn them down, so don’t worry about it.”

What an oddly vehement denial. It was a little suspicious. What on earth had he asked of her?

“Was his request that unreasonable?”

“Well… I mean, I can’t do what I can’t do, right? In fact, I should’ve just said no to him right then and there…”

“So you weren’t able to refuse him at the time?”

“He told me to think about it… So I thought I should at least pretend to give it some thought…”

As I thought, she’s trying to avoid mentioning what they talked about. But considering her standing at school along with Sasaki’s behavioral patterns, I can assume that that’s probably what happened. And the reason why she doesn’t want to accept him is probably…

“…Because you have someone else?”

“Eh?”

I only realized after her response how careless a remark I’d made, so I glossed over it and said, “No, it’s nothing.” She fell silent once more, perhaps wanting to put an end to the topic as well.

Once we made it past the main road and into a quieter neighborhood, Kitaoka opened her mouth again, seemingly having remembered something.

“So, did you get into your university?”

“Yeah.”

“Which one did you end up going to?”

Her question was innocuous, but for some reason I found myself momentarily at a loss for an answer. Come to think of it, there had been this one time when we were going home together after prep school, and the subject of where each of us would take our entrance exams had come up. At that time, however, I said that I’d only consider universities in Tokyo.

But it wasn’t like I had to hide it from her, either. So, in order to hide my inner turmoil, I flatly told her the name of the school I would be attending starting April.

Sure enough, hearing that seemed to have surprised her very much. She let out a quiet “Eh…” before falling silent for a while.

“…That’s pretty far.”

“Well, it is a four to five hour trip on an express bullet train.”

“So it’s not as far away as you might think,” I added. In terms of distance, there were plenty of my classmates who had enrolled in universities much more remote than mine. …Of course, in reality, I deliberately chose that place because I wanted to go somewhere where no one knew me, so obviously it would be far away.

“When are you moving away?”

“Tomorrow.”

“…That’s fast.”

“Yeah. There’s other stuff to take care of there, after all. Plus, the sooner I move in the sooner I can get accustomed to the area.”

“I heard the region has pretty cold weather.”

“Yeah, the snow there is one thing, but the campus I’ll be going to once I’m a second-year has it even worse.”

We each gave our thoughts about my new living environment.

“Umm…”

Just as she was about to say something, the phone in my pocket started to ring.

“Sorry, give me a sec,” I cut her off as I parked my bike and picked up the phone. It was from my older sister. She said, “We’re having early dinner tonight, so don’t be out too late.” I gave her a short “Alright” before she immediately ended the call with an “Okay, bye.” I wiped the sweat and dirt off the screen, internally stunned at my sister’s curtness. Kitaoka, having watched the whole thing from beside me, made a remark.

“You bought a smartphone, huh.”

Ah. I’d used it without thinking even though I should’ve been keeping it a secret from others at school. Well, whatever; cat’s out of the bag, so there’s no point in worrying about it anymore. Besides, I won’t be here for much longer.

“Yeah. I got it the other day.”

“Then let’s exchange numbers.”

“What? Why?” I reflexively asked her out of suspicion. I would be leaving soon, and it wasn’t like she had anything she needed from me, so there should be no need for me to give her my number. We hadn’t even been that close with each other at school in the first place.

In fact, us conversing with each other right now was like a freak accident; under normal circumstances, Kitaoka and I would’ve never met today. I’d already resolved myself to start my life over, and to do that, I had to throw away the chains of my past. Establishing a connection with her would render it all meaningless.

Perhaps she wasn’t that serious in asking me either, since she hurriedly shook her head a couple of times when she sensed my reluctance.

“…Never mind.”

We started walking once more, but in complete silence.

Soon, we approached a playground from which I could hear the lively sounds of children playing. That was when Kitaoka abruptly came to a stop.

“I think here’s good enough.”

Her words prompted me to look at her. When our eyes met, she returned a weak smile.

“You’d be late if you walked me all the way to my house… I’m sure I’ll manage from here.”

The way she stated that was surprisingly blunt. Maybe she doesn’t want me to follow her to her house. In that case, I guess my work here is done.

“Oh, okay,” I perfunctorily replied as I parked my bike. I then handed her one of the bags that was in the basket.

“Thank you for walking me here.”

Oh? Surprisingly enough, she was very straightforward in her thanks. I decided to jokingly reply to her.

“No, no. I’m really lucky to have been able to walk with such a cute girl one last time.”

I hadn’t meant much when I said that, but for some reason, her face immediately flushed bright red. Perhaps unable to hold it back, she let out a shout.

“Ahh!”

Then, she suddenly started hitting me around my collarbone. It wasn’t too painful since she was carrying her bags, but still, I was confused as to why she was subjecting me to this treatment.

“What’s with you! Cut it out!”

After I told her off, she finally stopped hitting me, but her anger remained unabated as she lashed out at me.

“How! How can you say such things so calmly?!”

“What?”

“You’ve always been like that, Iijima! Calling people cute and all that. How can you say that with such a deadpan face?!”

“I did?”

“Just a few seconds ago, yes!”

“Now, now,” I tried to calm her down. She was intensely glaring at me, tears welling up in her large eyes.

“I’m telling you, the way you say it is misleading. You’re going to cause weird misunderstandings!”

I tilted my head in confusion at her words. With an appearance as good as her’s, being praised as “cute” should be an everyday occurrence to her. In fact, I’d seen my classmates say that to her on several occasions. That was why I’d thought she wouldn’t be the kind of person who’d get worked up over such things.

For now, I asked “Really?” trying to make sure. However, she didn’t answer. Instead, she sullenly said:

“…In any case, don’t casually say those kinds of things to girls. Okay?!”

“Okay, okay.”

She seemed unconvinced even after my answer, but for the time being she didn’t pursue it any further. I handed her the last bag in my basket, the manga paper bag.

“Alright. I guess this is goodbye.”

“Yeah.”

I mounted my bike and lightly waved at her.

“Take care.”

“You too. Good luck with your snow shoveling.”

“Yup.”

She stared intently at my face. Is she waiting for me to say something, or does she want to say something? Either way, her fixed, unwavering eyes kept me from leaving.

If I had to choose what my final words would be to her, it wouldn’t be “Good-bye” or “See you later.”

No, after thinking through my past memories and experiences, this is what I decided on.

“…It’s been fun knowing you.”

Kitaoka’s eyes twitched.

Did it sound like I was lying? But that was how I truly felt. At the very least, it was how I’d always felt when I was around Kitaoka since the outdoor training camp until that day in winter, even if it’d all been fake.

“I had fun, too…” she whispered in a fleeting voice.

I see. That’s good to hear. Relieved, I let loose a smile. She, too, smiled awkwardly in response.

I waved my hand and started pedaling my bike.

The park gradually faded into the distance. My bike felt so light without the extra weight that I almost lost track of where to turn because I was going so fast.

My lone bicycle sped through the neighborhood under the orange-tinted sky.

As I restlessly pedaled with my feet, my head rang with all sorts of voices chastising myself.

“Is this really okay?”

“Aren’t you just holding a petty grudge?”

“Just forgive her.”

…Shut up! 

I know. I know she didn’t mean what she said that day. When I’d first heard it, I was shocked and extremely depressed, but once I thought about it calmly, I realized there was no way she could have been “acting” for so long.

No, that’s not the problem. Me distancing myself from her is something I have to do.

Why? Because…

“—Actually, I already have someone else I like, or rather, someone else I’m kinda interested in right now.”

That was what she’d shyly told me during the cultural festival. Although she used the phrase “interested in”, the bashfulness and happiness she’d shown was unlike anything I’d seen before. She must’ve already had her heart dead set on this man at that point.

If we reconciled and became friends again, I would one day have to watch her get taken away by another man. I don’t want that. No matter how hard it is to say goodbye now, no matter how much it hurts my heart, I’m sure this is much better than the alternative. That’s why I cut myself off from her.

“—Whenever I’m with him, my heart starts racing for some reason.”

“—He’s a strange person. Real strange. I don’t think he’s a dumb person or anything. He’s just someone who can’t read the mood.”

At the time, I was astounded. Are you sure you like this guy? I thought. But then I realized that her liking this man despite knowing his many flaws and weaknesses was a form of deep love as well. If her feelings for him were that strong, then it would be impossible for me to hold a special place in her heart.

“—I don’t know if he was flattering me or something, but he told me that I was cute.”

But I, too, had always thought of her as cute. Even on our way home today, I couldn’t peel my eyes away from her side profile, and it was very difficult to keep her from noticing. Her large, willful eyes; her long, pointed nose; and beautiful, tender lips; along with the thought that I might not be able to see her ever again, compelled me to stare at her for even a second longer.

All of it culminated in my unintentional remark calling her a “cute girl” right as we were about to part. The way I said it sounded like a joke, but it was what I truly felt on the inside. She, however, did not take kindly to that and instead got angry at me.

I’m sure Sasaki must’ve confessed to her earlier. It relieved me to hear that she had no intention of saying yes, but on the other hand, her refusal to accept confessions wasn’t limited to those from Sasaki alone; the same applied to any other man. Even if I were to confess my feelings to her, she would undoubtedly reject mine just as she did Sasaki’s.

Dammit. I gritted the back of my teeth. What’s the difference between me and this mystery man? I don’t know who he is or where he’s from, but if we sound so similar to each other, then why not just settle for me─

…Wait, huh?

A sudden, slight unease began welling up in my heart.

Similar to each other? Similar… That means…

“—I don’t think anyone at school knows him…”

This one sentence from her immediately ruled out the possibility that this man was from the same school as us. However, if this had just been a way for her to prevent me from prying for details, then that would change things significantly, since that meant there was a possibility I might actually know this mystery man. After all, she had been under the assumption that the person inside Chiibaa was a female student from her school, and Kitaoka wasn’t the most uptight, honest person out there either, so it was entirely plausible.

Thump. My heart started pounding. No, wait, hold on. I kept trying to rein myself in, but the more I thought about it, the more I came to realize that there could only be one possible answer.

When we first started getting to know each other, she often called me an “otaku.” What if her brain had interpreted an “otaku” as a “weird person”…?

Wait, that means…

Also, she’d once asked me, “Do people often call you an airhead or a dunce?” Couldn’t that also be taken to mean that she had been calling me someone who “couldn’t read the mood”?

That means…

The final nail in the coffin was her comment today: “You always say the most misleading of things with the calmest of expressions.” She also described her significant other as “someone who calls her cute out of the blue”, and she did tell me not to “casually say those kinds of things to girls”…

Does this mean what I think it does?

I felt as if I had suddenly found the answer I had long been searching for; what’s more, it had been one in plain sight this entire time. A feeling akin to joy slowly began spreading over me.

I had been so deep in thought that somehow, I had managed to bumble my way back to where I’d started.

If I turned right at the corner ahead, I’d be heading toward the park where I parted with Kitaoka earlier, and if I turned left, I’d find myself on the way home.

Maybe I’m just overthinking things. My speculation isn’t grounded in conclusive evidence. But I want to know. Maybe I’ll be shocked when my hypothesis turns out to be false. But if that happens, I’ll just have to get back up on my feet and move on.

“—Isn’t she waiting for you to make a move?”

“—Why are you being so stubborn?”

“—Work hard and be happy.”

My blood surged violently throughout my whole body. All my encounters, experiences, and regrets over the past six—no, eighteen—months urged me to do one thing: go faster. Maybe it’s not too late. Either way, I’ll never know until I try. And to do that, I have to get rid of my worthless pride and self-pitying act, and be honest with my feelings.

Not yet, Kitaoka.

I pedaled even faster, desperate to arrive as soon as possible.

I won’t let you go just yet.

With breakneck speeds, I arrived at the corner. Now, the direction in which I should turn…

…is obviously this way.

I watched as he took off on his bicycle until eventually, his figure faded into the setting sun.

He’s gone…

The moment that realization hit me, a tear trickled down from the corner of my eye.

I know I shouldn’t cry. My sister’s at home, and I don’t want her to worry. But my heart slowly began to ache, and I couldn’t stop the dam of tears from overflowing.

I put down the bags I’d been carrying at my feet and sat down near some shrubbery, holding my head in my hands.

I had always loved him. But in the end, I was unable to express my gratitude, my feelings, my regrets—everything. With the vestiges of his face still fresh in my mind, I couldn’t hold myself back as I began pouring my heart out.

─Hey, Iijima. Do you remember?

When you lent me your shoes during the outdoor training camp, I was so, so happy. As we walked down the street together, I kept thinking in my mind, “Thank you for being there for me. I’m so glad you helped me.”

It was the same when I went to your house. You wanted to send me home, and saw that I’d taken a fairly lengthy route to your home. So, instead of directly saying, “I’ll walk you home,” you indirectly phrased it as, “I’ll show you a shortcut.” But even then, the short time we spent chatting with each other was so much fun.

Then, in September, I called out to you for the first time on your way home from prep school. The truth is, that wasn’t coincidental. I’d long since known that you’d be there on Wednesdays, but I couldn’t walk up to you because Saito-kun was always with you. That day, however, I saw that you were alone and decided to muster up my courage and talk to you. You were really surprised, weren’t you? That look on your face was truly priceless.

And that day when I slipped away from the ball game tournament and came to see you, did you really think that was a coincidence? I thought it was so obvious, but you totally bought into it. “Are you an idiot?” was what I’d almost said. But I was glad you didn’t injure your head or elsewhere. I was so worried… What if something had happened to you?

A few months later came the cultural festival. Kumiko was already with me, and I wanted to watch one last concert with both of you. So I searched the entire school, but couldn’t find you. I even checked the Local Geography club. Where were you?

And when you held my hand on the crowded train, my heart pounded really fast. I’m sure you felt it too, right, Iijima? That feeling of not wanting to let go of each other. That feeling of just wanting to hold each other’s hands forever.

And yet, why are we so far apart now?

Maybe it’s my fault. I didn’t have the courage to figure out why you were keeping your distance from me. I kept waiting for an opportunity to say the simple phrase “I’m sorry” but when one ultimately came, I failed to use it. The fact that you weren’t even willing to give me your phone number likely means you want to end things here and don’t want anything to do with me anymore. Either way, I’ve already lost the will to do anything that might even remotely displease you.

But…

“Iijimaa…”

A large teardrop fell from the corner of my eye.

The fact that I would never be able to see his gentle smile again broke my heart so much that I unconsciously spoke out his name.

Why did he say things like, “It’s been fun,” or “I’m lucky to have walked with you,” right before we parted? I’d tried to give up on him, and yet at the very last moment he showed me this kindness; it made my heart yearn for him once more. How could I ever fall for another man now? If I’d known things would’ve come to this, I would’ve just gone to his house and talked to him. I’d actually gotten off at the station closest to his house three days ago, but lacking the courage, I turned back. I hated myself for being so cowardly.

Still, if he ever decided to come see me again, I would unhesitatingly tell him, “I’m sorry,” and “Please don’t leave me.” I earnestly wished that I could go back in time to when we were still together, even if only for a while. But there was no way such convenient magic existed in this world…

Suddenly, at that very moment, I heard a loud braking noise close by.

Startled, I looked up. There, about twenty meters away, stood a familiar-looking man trying to park his bicycle by kicking its stand. But perhaps due to his impatience and the stand not extending out properly, he gave up and haphazardly left his bike lying on the side of the road.

As my whole body froze in shock, the man ran toward me. He stopped right in front of me and, panting heavily, squinted his eyes beneath his glasses as he tried to make a plausible excuse to give me, who still had no idea what was going on. His mouth curved pitifully as he said, “Sorry, I forgot something.”

I finally arrived at the park where Kitaoka and I had separated and noticed her sitting on a ledge made of bricks near some shrubbery not too far away from where I’d last seen her.

Perhaps it was because I’d been going too fast, but I accidentally overshot my target a little. The stand on my bicycle wasn’t working properly, so I left it on the side of the road and turned around, breaking out in a jog toward her.

She likely noticed me from the sound of the brakes and stood up, staring at me in amazement all the while. I could hear my heart pounding in my ear.

When I faced her head-on and said that I’d forgotten something, she broke out in endless tears as they ran down both her cheeks and soaked them.

Oh crap, she’s crying.

What on earth had caused her to cry?

Before I even had the chance to ask her, she hung her head low and squeezed out a barely audible voice.

“Iijima, I’m sorry.”

Thud. She landed the side of her fist on my chest. The helpless gesture made me feel a heart-wrenching pain deep within that hurt much more than the area she’d hit. It seemed that I was the reason she was crying.

“I’m sorry for not defending you when Juuri and Miyu badmouthed you. I knew more than anyone else how wrong they were.”

I gently held the wrist of her hand that’d hit me. I felt sorry and apologetic that she’d worried about that for so long, and berated myself from the bottom of my heart for how self-conceited I’d been in constantly running away.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to apologize for that anymore.”

I hadn’t come back to talk about that incident, nor had I intended to make her cry.

However, despite my bewilderment, she continued in a shrill voice.

“But I was the one who did nothing but lie. I was the one who hadn’t thought my actions through.”

“I know, it’s okay.” I consoled her as I patted her head. Nevertheless, she continued weeping and sobbing.

“Kitaoka.”

She didn’t answer even after I called her name.

I desperately tried to calm her by rubbing her shoulders, but even then her crying did not stop. She didn’t seem to be in the right state of mind for us to have a proper conversation.

Please stop crying. I can’t bear to watch the girl I hold so dearly in such sadness.

But I had little experience with girls and as such, had no idea as to how I should console her.

It was at that moment that a few words came to mind. A few words that, if said, would surprise her and possibly stop her tears. I had no idea how she would respond to them. But I want to tell her. After all, I had come all the way back here just to say this one sentence.

With my newfound resolve, I gulped. I called her name out again, and she slowly looked up at me, her eyes still chock-full of tears.

I wiped the drops of tears from her cheeks with my finger. Her large, moist eyes stared at me. I took a deep breath. It’s now or never…

“I like you.”

“That’s why it’s okay now. You don’t have to worry about it anymore,” I implicitly tried to convey. Even if she was obsessed with keeping up appearances or a liar, I loved her so much that I’d long since forgiven her for such things.

Just as I’d expected, Kitaoka’s shoulders shook in surprise as her crying came to a stop for a short while. But suddenly she hung her head once more and began sobbing even more intensely.

Maybe I really messed up. I was beginning to regret my actions when something unexpected happened.

No sooner had her brown hair disappeared from view than I felt something hot pressing on my shoulder. Her arm was wrapped around my back, and I was unable to move. My heart leapt.

Now hugging me, Kitaoka spoke in a soft, fragile voice.

“Me too… I like you. No, I love you.”

As soon as I heard that, I felt such a huge surge of excitement that I thought my blood vessels would burst.

I like Kitaoka.

And she likes me back.

That fact alone made me so happy and overjoyed that I wouldn’t mind even if I died right now. This incredibly mind-numbing sensation was probably something I’d never experience ever again in my life.

I timidly moved my arms around her slender body. After patting her back a few times, the trembling in her body finally seemed to subside.

“Iijima.”

She brought her mouth close to my ears and muttered.

“Say it again, one more time.”

I almost unconsciously said, “Huh?” at her words. I’d only said it the first time as a spur of the moment thing, so asking me to say it again was pretty embarrassing.

“I like you…maybe.”

The vague ending to my sentence made her burst into laughter.

“The heck was that?”

She giggled and laughed. Seeing her finally smile was very relieving.

“Oh, right…” I lowly muttered. She looked up at me and asked, “What is it?”

“I’m the one who should be saying sorry… I kept on making excuses to myself and never tried to understand your feelings,” I began.

Our walks home from prep school, the day of the ball game tournament, her confession during the cultural festival, and that day when we held hands…

Despite the many signs she had given me, I chose to focus on a single, insignificant comment from her and turned a blind eye to her true feelings.

“You waited ages for me to make a move, huh.”

I had never tried to proactively close the distance between us. She, clumsy and inexperienced as she was, likely didn’t want to forcibly advance our relationship.

“I’m so glad I noticed.”

Truly. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to save this timid and affectionate girl, who seemed contradictory at first but was actually very devoted and sensitive.

Kitaoka meekly nodded her head and rubbed her cheek against my neck.

“I always have and will be waiting for you, so please come back to me one day.”

Hnng…

Her abrupt, sappy attitude embarrassed me so much that I snapped back to reality. I looked around the area and saw that the park was already devoid of people, likely because dusk was fast approaching, so there was nobody to watch or reprimand us.

Still in each other’s embrace, I teasingly retorted at her.

“It’s not that far, you know?”

So I’d appreciate it if she didn’t phrase it like some sort of final farewell. If either of us wanted to, we could make it to the other in a single day trip, so it probably isn’t as far as she’s thinking.

But despite my efforts at reassuring her, she shook her head side to side, as if displeased.

“But then we won’t be able to see each other every day anymore.”

Her rebuttal was once again laced in sadness, and I experienced yet another crushing, squeezing pain in the depths of my heart.

Previously, even if we didn’t have any plans to meet, we could always see each other at school whenever we wanted. Even if we didn’t talk to each other, we could glance at each other in the classroom. It made me unimaginably happy. But soon, I would no longer be able to do such things no matter how much I wished for it.

“I see. That’ll be sad.”

“Of course it will.”

I hugged the girl in my arms tightly in an attempt to drown out my unease. I was so helplessly in love with this girl who was a full head shorter than me, and I tried to put all of my feelings into my embrace.

I wanted to stay like that forever, but soon it would be time for me to return home. The sun had almost completely set by the time I’d realized it, and darkness was falling on the trees and on the ground.

I gradually separated myself from her, feeling as if I was being torn apart all the while. She, with her tear-swollen eyes, looked up at me.

“What’s wrong?”

She started to faintly move her dainty lips. Would she say something like, “Don’t go”? Or would she say, “Good luck”?

What I ended up hearing, however, was neither of the two.

“You know, it kinda feels like I’m in a dream. You, coming back…”

My face began to heat up. Her words painfully conveyed how much she’d wanted me.

“This isn’t a dream…”

I took her hand that was holding onto my sleeve.

“Look, I’m right here.”

This isn’t an illusion. I’m most definitely here, and I’m thinking of you much more strongly than you can imagine. And although I may be leaving you now, I will absolutely come back to you one day.

Having vowed this in my heart, I held her hand tightly, just as I had done when we almost lost each other on the crowded train.