Mayo Chiki!

Attack Fräulein

“We don’t know why it happened.”

After Suzutsuki introduced herself, Ichigo-san explained the circumstances with her usual robotic voice.

“As I stated just now, the medical investigation at the hospital showed no irregularities. We imagined that maybe she might have hit her head during her fall, but there were no traces of that. According to the doctor, they were unable to find the reason for this. However, what they could tell us was—That the current Kanade-ojousam’s memories have been reverted back to when she was 8 years old.” She muttered with a tone that sounded like she was joking.

“8 years old…”

The heck is up with that? So she should be…a second-year in grade school? Back at that age, my little sister was already a little monster, often fighting with the neighbourhood puppy. Seeing a young girl slamming a golden retriever with its 160cm right onto the ground was quite the sight, but this isn’t the time to dwell in memories. So if her memories have reverted back to this state…so basically, it’s blocking the newer memories? That sounds like it could come straight out of a manga, men in black making you drink some suspicious medicine. As a result, your body stays that of an adult, but your brain becomes that of a child. Her name—is Private Detective Kanade.

“…Huh.”

Don’t joke with me. Like hell that happened.

“Ichigo-san, stop with the jokes. This is just more nonsense, right?”

That’s right, it’s all made up of jokes and pranks. It’s a party trick from Devil Suzutsuki again. I was deceived countless times before by her perfect acting, but I won’t fall for it again. Even now, she’ll burst out laughing, saying ‘You did well seeing through my act, Jirou-kun’.

“You agree with me right, Masamune?” I turned towards the maid next to me—Usami Masamune.

Masamune knows her true personality, and is dangerous enough for her to receive the name ‘Natural enemy’ from Suzutsuki herself. Made-up nonsense does not work against Masamune. According to the person in question, Masamune can easily see through Suzutsuki’s lies. It’s probably related to a lack of faith and trust in other people, but what’s most important is the potential. As long as she sees through Devil Suzutsuki’s lies…

“………No.”

However, the words coming from the girl were unlike anything I could have expected.

“I can’t. Because…right now, Suzutsuki Kanade is not lying.”

“…What?”

No no no, what are you saying, Masamune-san. Where did your usual nasty rabbit attitude go? Was she bribed by Suzutsuki or something? Did she lose against the temptation of a carrot?

“H-Hey! Why are you giving me such a dubious gaze!? I’m confused, okay!”

“Confused…”

“Anyway! The current Suzutsuki Kanade is not lying. That’s what my instincts are telling me. That’s why, I know it might be hard to accept, but…Suzutsuki Kanade is serious.”

“Wha…”

It felt like I was slammed in the head with a blunt weapon. Then, what? Did she really turn into an 8-year-old again?

“Odd Jobs-san, don’t worry.” Almost like Suzutsuki had figured out my worries, she spoke up with an innocent tone. “I received an explanation from Ichigo just now. There’s no mistaking that I have turned into an 8-year-old. I don’t know the reason why, but my high school self grew younger.”

“Make it sound so simple…”

“It’s fine. I might just turn back to normal soon enough.”

“Well, you’re not wrong, but…”

Wait, why is she cheering me up like this? Not to mention a young girl like her. Why is she so mature about this, simply accepting her own situation…She so easily understood that her memories reverted back? I mean, I get that Ichigo-san explained it, but to think she would keep such an objective view…That’s Suzutsuki for you.

I can see how she was supposed to be clever despite her young age. However, the current Suzutsuki didn’t seem as scheming as before, like she was just any other innocent child. Maybe childish Suzutsuki isn’t so bad…

“Also, I might as well enjoy this.”

“Eh?”

“Don’t you agree? The me right now suddenly received the body of an adult, so I want to taste all sorts of interesting situations.”

“……”

Correction, she already had Devil tendencies back at a young age. Her basic thought process hasn’t changed. The moment she was born, she started seeking out excitement.

“By the way, who are you?”

“Eh, me?”

Suzutsuki pointed at Kureha.

“My name is Sakamachi Kureha, I am a temporary servant at your residence, just like Nii-san, Onee-sama.”

“Onee-sama?”

“Ah, Onee-sama and I are pretty close, so I’m calling you that way.”

“Ohh, I see.”

“But, suddenly changing my way of addressing you would be weird, so…can I just keep calling you Onee-sama like always?”

“Of course you can, Kureha-chan.”

“Thank you very much, Onee-sama!”

The two were smiling at each other like they were friends at a similar age. They really are a good match, especially since Kureha’s personality is pretty childish. That being said…

“Hey, Kureha.” I quietly called out to my little sister.

“Hm? What’s up, Nii-san.”

“I was just wondering, are you okay with this?”

“With what?”

“The fact that Suzutsuki basically turned into an 8-year old. She doesn’t remember us. And despite that, you were talking with her like you usually would.”

That’s right, it wouldn’t be weird for Kureha to feel awkward around her now. I’m a good example. Even if she’s still an adult in terms of her body, her mind was that of a child, creating this grave sense of discomfort.

“Hmmm…” Kureha put one finger on her lips, and started thinking. “She’s cute, so what’s it matter?”

“What?”

“I mean, Onee-sama right now is like a small girl, so she’s just adorable. The way she speaks, her smile, it’s not like the usual Onee-sama isn’t cute, but…I just feel like hugging the current Onee-sama, you know? She’s just so charming.”

“You feel like it, huh…”

I sort of understand what she’s talking about. Basically, it’s the gap. Usually, Suzutsuki had a calm and dignified atmosphere. That now changed into that of a young girl, which made her look more cute. It’s like that one time she was plagued by constant hiccups.

“Not to mention, just because she’s a young child doesn’t mean I can’t get along with her. Didn’t she say so? She might turn back to normal eventually. If so, then why shouldn’t we get along with the current Onee-sama.” Kureha grinned with a warm smile.

That’s the oldest daughter of the Sakamachi family for you, she’s got endless positivity. She’s amazing in that she can see something exciting about this.

“Well, you might be right.”

Just worrying about it won’t do us any good. Exactly as Suzutsuki said, she might turn back to normal quickly, and even if she doesn’t, since the doctor said that they couldn’t explain what even happened, we probably won’t find a way to resolve this all too quickly. Not to mention that we aren’t the only ones worried. Suzutsuki turned into an 8-year-old girl. Since she’s only a child in terms of her mental capacity, she must be anxious in this uncertain situation. If so, then we have to be the ones who have a grip on the situation. That’s why we need to try and get along with Suzutsuki.

“Hey, Kureha-chan.” Right as I was thinking that, Suzutsuki called out to Kureha.

“Yes. What is it, Onee-sama?”

“Can I ask one thing?”

“Of course, ask me whatever you want.” Kureha puffed out her chest in confidence.

Woah, she’s clearly acting like the older sister in this case. She’s probably feeling excited at the thought of having gotten a little sister, right? Oh yeah, she always wanted one, if I remember correctly. ‘I’ll make her my super ring partner!’, she would say. I’m so glad that she didn’t get a little sister.

“Well~” Suzutsuki showed a childish and innocent smile. “Why are you working, despite being only a child?”

“……Eh?” There, Kureha beautifully froze up.

“I mean, you’re the same age as me right, Kureha-chan? Children shouldn’t be working. You need to enjoy your childhood.”

“Y-You’re wrong, Onee-sama, I’m already in high school…”

“Ehhh? Even though you’re so small?”

“!”

“And so flat?”

“!?”

“Really, acting mature like that. But, I forgive you. After all, I’m the Onee-chan. Don’t you agree? You call me ‘Onee-sama’ after all.”

“Nyaaaaaaa!?” Unable to bear with it anymore, Kureha screamed.

…This little girl is terrifying. It’s honestly horrendous how innocent children can be.

“What should I do, Nii-san! Onee-sama is acting like the older sister now! She’s not even wrong, and yet I feel like I lost!”

“Don’t worry about it, she’s just a child.”

“But…but!”

“Kureha-chan, I’ll play lots with you later. What do you want? Play family? Hide-and-seek?”

“Nyaaaaa!? Stop! Don’t treat me like a child!” My little sister was starting to tear up.

You can do it, Onee-chan. This is the trouble of having a little sister, so have fun.

“Well, don’t be so depressed.” I gently rubbed her head.

Because of my gynophobia, I had to stop right away, but if I show kindness and skinship, she might be more kind to me in the future. Like Mutsug*rou-san1, there there there.

“…Mmm.” There, I heard a displeased voice.

When I looked over, I saw Suzutsuki Kanade looking at me. She was pouting like a small animal.

“Not fair.”

“Huh?”

“Not fair not fair not fair. Odd Jobs-san, you’re my servant, right? Then, you should pat me on the head, and not Kureha-chan.”

“Even if you say that…”

“Hurry up! This is an order!” Suzutsuki bit her lip like a small child…Waaaah, why are you tearing up now!?

Do you want your head rubbed this badly!? I really can’t tell what children are thinking!

“I-I understand.” I moved my hand away from Kureha’s head, and placed it on Suzutsuki’s.

Following that, I gently moved my hand up and down.

“Hehe, very well.” She acted bossy, but still smiled happily.

She really seemed like a young child.

“……”

…Crap, how cute can she be? She may be a bit cheeky, but she’s a child, so I’ll forgive her for that. She might not look like a child on the outside, but the innocent air around her is covering what I normally expect when I see Suzutsuki. Just like this, I can see an actual younger Suzutsuki in front of me. And, more than anything…

“Urk…!”

“? What’s wrong, Odd Jobs-san? Why are you crying?”

“N-No, I’m sorry, I was just a bit moved…”

“???” Suzutsuki tilted her head in confusion.

That’s right, she’s just a child. How do I say this…she’s not black at all. She’s not a devil, nor a sadist. It’s like Yamitsuki-san never existed. Damn it…Why did you have to grow up like that?! Enough! I’ll raise this girl! I won’t let anybody take her as a wife! And even if she leaves me one day, I’ll make sure she will choose the right guy!

“…Jirou.”

While I desperately tried to keep my gynophobia under control, enjoying a bit of simple skinship with Suzutsuki, I heard a disgruntled voice from a certain butler…….I’m sorry, all of this just got to my head. That’s why, don’t stare at me like that.

“…Not fair.”

“Wha?”

I totally thought she’d get angry at me, saying something like ‘What are you doing to the young lady!?’, and was prepared to prostrate myself in front of her, but those were the words I heard instead.

“I-It’s not that I’m sulking or anything. Just, doing it only to the young lady is…” Konoe pouted like a child.

Eh? What? Why are my headpats so popular now? Does my palm hold some special power? Maybe it won’t take long for a weird emblem to appear on the back of my hand.

“Why not pat Subaru on the head as well?”

“Young lady!?”

“Come on, don’t hold back.”

“Urk…” Hearing Suzutsuki’s words, Konoe looked up at me with a ‘Jirou…’.

“……”

…Now hold on. What is this? It’s not that I hate rubbing Konoe on the head, but I can’t find myself calming down. Maybe this is just an after-effect from the kiss yesterday. Or maybe I was reaching my limit with my gynophobia. I’m just giving out headpats, so why is my heart racing now?

“Odd Jobs-san.”

“Eeeek!?”

Right as I was about to place my open hand on Konoe’s head, I heard someone whisper into my ear—Saotome Ichigo. The eyepatch maid stood behind my back, glaring at me.

“How long do you plan on playing around with Kanade-ojousama?”

“B-But, the young lady asked for…Wait, something is hitting me! Something sharp is hitting my back!”

Also, she’s pretty much stabbing me already? Something sharp is burying its way into my flesh!

“How cruel, I was giving you a taste of my breasts.”

“Stop lying! Like hell there’s such sharp and sturdy breasts.”

“They’re D-cups though.”

“Like hell they are!”

“What are you talking about? D is for drills.”

“Drill-cups!?”

“Now, a question. What am I pushing against you right now?”

“I don’t feel like doing a quiz!”

“The hint is—chest.”

“Your breasts after all!?”

“You have five seconds to answer the question. Five, four, three…”

“A kitchen knife! A knife! A cutter! Any other weapon!”

“NO. The correct answer is…dinnerware.”

“…Dinnerware?”

“My chest is burning up like the ceramic in the kiln.”

“I didn’t take you seriously just to have that joke thrown at me2!”

I mean, I can respect the hassle. So the D in D-cups stands dinnerware? That is probably the greatest blasphemy I have ever heard.

“Oh yeah, who is that person?” Suzutsuki suddenly spoke up, and pointed at her next target.

Standing there was a girl with twintails, wearing the uniform of a maid cafe. It was the nasty rabbit Masamune.

“Hmpf, it’s a pain, but I’ll explain it to you. My name is Usami Masamune, and I’m a—”

“Kanade-ojousama, that person is a pet.”

“Who’s a pet!?”

“YES. Didn’t Suzutsuki Kanade say ‘She will be a pet from now on’ upon your arrival?”

“Suzutsuki Kanadeeeee!”

“Nice to meet you, Pet-san.”

“Don’t call me pet! My name is U-Sa-Mi, and I’m a temporary maid here at this residence!”

“Newcomer, using casual speech towards Kanade-ojousama…”

“It’s fine, Ichigo. Talking with her this way sounds much more interesting.”

“…Understood, Kanade-ojousama.” Ichigo-san nodded, albeit not really satisfied.

Seeing Suzutsuki’s friendly smile, Masamune let out a cold ‘Hmpf’.

“Hey, Suzutsuki Kanade, I don’t know how this whole memory thing works, but you’re eight years old right now, yeah?”

“That’s what this boils down to, yes, Auntie.”

“Auntie!?”

“Am I wrong? You’re clearly older than me right now.”

“That doesn’t mean you can call me Auntie!”

“Then…Usamin.”

“Why my nickname!?”

“Eh? That’s what Ichigo taught me.”

“…Ichigo-san did?”

In the face of Masamune’s question, Suzutsuki showed a smile, and took out a book. With this flow of events, is this the ‘A Guide On How To Keep A Pet Rabbit: Master It In 5 Minutes!’ again? I grew interested, and took a peek at the cover myself. There, the title that greeted me was…

“‘A Guide On How To Keep Usamin: Master As a Five-Year Old!’’

“The title changed!?”

“It’s fine, I’m older than five, so I can master it no biggie.”

“I don’t want to be mastered by you!”

“Now, time to study. ‘Step 1: Usamin doesn’t have many friends’.”

“None of your business!”

“‘Step 2: Usamin is always in heat’.”

“W-W-Who is always in heat!?”

“Hey, Usamin. What does it mean to always be in heat?”

“T-That’s…”

“Kanade-ojousama, you don’t have to study that knowledge yet.”

“Really? Then I’m moving on. ‘Step 3: Usamin wants more mature underwear’.”

“Wha…!? H-How do you…!”

“Um…the creator of this book is…’Narumi Schrödinger’.”

“That damn loli woman…!!”

Masamune stole the book from Suzutsuki, and tore it to pieces. I see, so that whole thing was a prank on Schrö-senpai’s end. She really loves being childish from time to time, huh. I can see that she would give this book to Ichigo-san. They’re vice and club presidents after all, the handicrafts club network is no joke.

“Don’t be so angry, Usamin.”

“You’re asking for too much.”

“Geez, don’t be so cold. As proof of us making up, have this.”

“…What is this? “ Masamune accepted an object that looked like a ticket, and tilted her head.

Is this…a butler ticket? With this ticket, you can give Subaru-sama any kind of request you may have, right?

“That is…a master ticket.”

“Master ticket?”

“If you use this ticket, you can give me, your master, any order you please. Cheered up now?”

“I-I wasn’t that angry or anything…” Masamune looked at the master ticket, and started thinking.

Master ticket, huh. Maybe it’s like a close relative to the butler ticket? Giving that over so easily, Suzutsuki really is a child. Normally, Masamune would be Suzutsuki’s natural enemy, so that’s like you sent salt to your enemy.

“Ah, Usamin, what mature underwear were you thinking of?”

“…!? T-That’s…”

“Are you wearing some right now? If so, then show me.”

“Why would I have to show you!?”

“I wanna see mature and lewd underwear!”

“Be the child that you are, and read a picture book!”

“Ehhhh…”

“Kanade-ojousama, would you like to have a look at mine?”

“Yaaaay! Please!”

“What do you plan on showing to a child!?” Masamune frantically stopped Ichigo, who was about to lift her long skirt.

“Boring…” Suzutsuki started sulking.

…Children are amazing. If I said something similar, we’d go from being reported to being arrested to a trial to work to consolation money, a solid five-hit combo. Then again, the most amazing one is Ichigo-san, ready to show off her underwear just like that.

But either way, with this we’ve all introduced each other, so that takes care of it…

“Fuwaaaah…” An adorable yawn could be heard.

Looking over, that yawn came from Suzutsuki, who rubbed her eyes.

“Kanade-ojousama, would you like to head to bed?”

“Yep. I’ve been up late today.” She said, and yawned again.

Stayed up late…It’s barely half past 10pm. Do children have that kind of rhythm?

“Kanade-ojousama, let me guide you to your room.”

“Thank you, Ichigo. But, before that…” Suzutsuki walked towards Konoe. “Subaru, let’s sleep together today.”

Immediately after, the two maids went ‘Whaaaa!?’. Of course, I was referring to Kureha and Masamune. I can’t blame them, they still think that Konoe is a guy. They would surely get the wrong idea after hearing that. Suzutsuki said it like it was obvious, but Konoe stood frozen.

“Y-Young lady, that’s a bit…”

“Subaru, you’re ignoring your master’s order?”

“Urk…”

“W-What are you saying, Suzutsuki Kanade! Even if you are just eight, your body is that of a high school student! Of course you can’t do that!”

“But, we always sleep together.”

“Always!?”

“We even take baths together.”

“B-Baths…!”

“C-C-C-Calm down, Usamin-senpai, Onee-sama is only eight right now, so the wall between boy and girl is slim, yes!”

“Kureha-chan, why are you panicking like that?”

“T-T-That’s…”

“Ah, do you want to join us, Kureha-chan?”

“N-No thank you, the stimulus would be too much for me!”

“Stimulus?”

“Anyway! You can’t do that sort of thing with Subaru-sama right now!”

“Is it a bad thing if I sleep together with Subaru, and take a bath together?”

“T-That’s…It would greatly disrupt the morals of this residence…” Masamune muttered, fumbling over her own words.

I guess she must be feeling like a health education teacher right about now. With how little progress she’s making, there won’t be any class soon.

“Move, Newcomer.”

“I-Ichigo-san?”

Ichigo-san pushed Masamune aside, and stepped in front of Suzutsuki. Ohhh, is she going to negotiate now?! Or, maybe she came up with a way to satisfy Suzutsuki. That’s an adult for you, she’s even older than the current Suzutsuki.

“Kanade-ojousama.” Ichigo-san spoke up with a serious tone.

Just what is she thinking? All of us present simply waited for her next words.

“Rather than with Subaru, how about the two of us sleep together?”

“………”

…I forgot. Ichigo-san LOVES Suzutsuki after all. She probably wants to use this chance to do all sorts of things she normally can’t, right?

“Ehhhh, not with Ichigo.”

“Wha…”

However, her desperate approach was denied a solid two seconds later. Despite looking like she was about to fall to the ground in despair, she barely kept herself standing to ask for the reason.

“W-Why?”

“Because you’re a bit scary, Ichigo.”

“…!?”

“And, you’re already a grandma.”

“I am still 29 years old!”

“But, you’re much older than me.”

“Urk…Y-YES, however…”

“And, you probably were planning on acting asleep, taking off my clothes, right?”

“Wha…”

“I knew it. You never change, Ichigo. Do you like naked girls that much?”

“N-NO. I don’t particularly like naked bodies, I just…”

Apparently she couldn’t just say ‘The only naked girl I like is Kanade-ojousama!’ right in front of her, so Ichigo-san could only grow quiet. It seems like she has felt LOVE towards Suzutsuki ever since she was a child. That’s the yandere maid for you. However, even if she may be a child on the inside, she still is a grown up high school girl on the outside, so letting her sleep alone would be best, right…

“I decided.”

Right as I was thinking that, Suzutsuki turned towards me.

“Odd Jobs-san, let’s sleep together.”

“……”

It didn’t even take a second for my back muscles to freeze up. I felt fierce gazes stabbing right into my back—Ahhh, I’m too scared to turn around! It has to be the three maids and one butler! They all have enough killing intent to end me with just their gazes.

“Y-Young lady, please stop joking about that.”

“Why?”

“If we don’t take back those words, my life…wait no, you’re just a child, right? A child shouldn’t sleep with an adult.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

Even I myself knew that my logic was messed up. Does that mean that adults can sleep together at any time? Of course not. But, this is the best I could come up with, so let’s all keep this country’s laws in mind!

“Hmpf. Boring. I’m an adult, you know? Don’t you understand that by simply looking at me?”

“I mean, you look like an adult, yes…”

“Right? Just look at this chest of mine.”

“Stop! Don’t try to shove my hand onto your breasts!”

“Then, which place would you prefer?”

“No place at all! Anyway, I don’t plan on sleeping together with a child!”

“And I’m saying that I’m not a child.”

“…Fine, then tell me your name, with no mispronunciation.”

“Eh…”

“Come on, hurry up.”

“Uuuu…O-Okay.” Like she had made up her mind, Suzutsuki took a deep breath, and opened her mouth. “…Suzuchuki Kanade.”

“Suzuchuki?”

“O-One more time! Suzuchuki…Huh?”

“What’s wrong? Can’t even say your own name right? You really are just a child.”

“~~~!”

“What a shame. I might have decided to sleep with you if you weren’t a child, but you still are.”

“~~~!” Young Suzutsuki started tearing up.

She looks as adorable as a kitty that had its food taken from it, but I can’t be spoiling her now. As long as I can just satisfy Suzutsuki with this…

“…Change of plans.”

“Huh?”

“Did you not hear me? It’ll be a change of plans. Just as you said, I may be a child, so I’ll be fighting like a child would.” Suzutsuki looked up at me, like a kitty asking for attention, and spoke up with a sweet voice… “——Onii-chan~”

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“……!”

This is bad, she really went that far, this small brat.

“Hey, Onii-chan! Let’s snuggle up together in the same bed?”

“………!?”

Uwaaaaaah, stop! This gap is too much! She feels like a child, but looks like the usual Suzutsuki, so the gap is making her look more adorable! This is much more dangerous than her previous ‘hic!’ incident! I knew it, Suzutsuki was always a small devil!

“Ugh…!”

It’s Derechuki-san. For now, I’ll call her this way. It’s her final form, not Deretsuki, not Yamitsuki, but Derechuki-san. Are you from Ma*ross, or Frie*a-sama by any chance? Just how many times can she transform? Derechuki-san is no joke, seriously…

“Onii-chan…”

“~~~!”

N-No, my ability to reason is slowly breaking apart. However, if I agree here and now, I’ll forever be labeled as a lolicon. Farewell my normal life, and welcome to the abnormal. I’m about to open a forbidden door. I need to avoid this at any costs…!

“—I understand.”

This is war after all. The second I decided to fight against my fate, and attempted to rebel, an alto voice interrupted our conversation.

“Young lady, I think you should be sleeping with Jirou tonight.”

“Eh!? Really!?”

“Yes, that is what I judge.”

“Yay! Thanks, Subaru!”

“H-Hey, Konoe!?”

I was the one rebelling against the decision made by Konoe, to the joy of Suzutsuki. Is this butler planning on socially killing me and throwing me out of this place? Sleeping next to a girl that’s barely 8 years old is a crime, you know that right.

“That’s right, Subaru-sama! How could you allow such a thing!?”

Masamune must have agreed with my feelings, as she joined my team to oppose this decision. Yeah, go tell her, nasty rabbit. We’re friends, so I’m happy to have you on my side…

“It’s the stupid chicken, remember!? He may be a chicken bastard, but there’s no guarantee that he’s no lolicon!”

“……”

“Oh yeah, Nii-san, you sometimes look at me with a lewd gaze in your eyes, I feel like.”

“……”

“Kanade-ojousama, give me five seconds, I can finish my operation. I can make sure to remove his dangerous part so that you can sleep together with him without having to fear anything.”

“………”

Um, it really hurts that you have virtually no faith in me, okay? Rather than receiving any support, I feel like you’re going to stab me in the back. Also, Ichigo-san, what do you mean by surgery? Where? Are you planning on modifying me?

“It’s fine.” Ignoring all possible reactions, Konoe simply nodded.

“Seriously, what are you thinking?”

She’s not going to drug me, right? She’s not the yandere maid, but with everything they have at this place, I wouldn’t be surprised if they imprisoned me underground.

“Basically, it would be a problem if the young lady and Jirou slept together, right? If so…”

For some reason, Konoe was blushing furiously, and after a solid three seconds, we found out why that was the case.

“I just…have to sleep with you two.”

“Waaaah, so fluffy!” Suzutsuki seemed in a great mood, as she jumped onto her own bed in her room. Not to mention with a momentum where she could turn the bed into a V shape.

Her room is about double the size of my own room, and it has a really luxurious bed. Hm…such a burgeiouse feeling, really…Wait, this isn’t the time to be admiring this.

“Konoe, are we seriously going to sleep together?”

“O-Of course. That is the only method I could come up with in order to satisfy the young lady. Not to mention…”

“Not to mention?”

“When I watch over you, I can sleep in peace the best.”

“………”

Nobody really trusts me, huh. I mean, I am a boy in the middle of my adolescence, so I can’t blame them. Worst of all is that the three maids were fine with it as long as Konoe slept with us. That’s the Butler-kun for you, her evaluation is unparalleled. If she participated in the elections of the prefecture, she would get a lot of votes.

“Oh yeah, you still have these pajamas?”

“W-What else am I supposed to do!? Everything else is in the laundry!” Konoe let out a sigh.

She wore the same pajama with a cat pattern on it, but with a different color. By the way, I’m still wearing my costume, whereas Suzutsuki wore something like a frilly night dress. Does she not get stiff shoulders while wearing this?

“Alright~”

Together with an adorable voice, Suzutsuki was the first one to slip into bed. Because of the size of this bed, it could easily fill us three people, but…Waah, I’m so nervous. Then again, sleeping in the same bed with two girls might help my gynophobia…

“Ah, I forgot. I got some sleeping goods from Ichigo.”

“Sleeping goods?”

“Yes, Onii-chan. I heard that if you put this on, she’ll sleep really well.”

“…Huh.” I closely inspected the item offered to me by Suzutsuki.

…Handcuffs. They were definitely real handcuffs, not just some random toy…I see, I see. So basically, Ichigo-san would be able to sleep comfortably if I put these on, huh. Still, this is quite the surprise. I feel like Ichigo-san has warmed up compared to before. She’s not making me drink some sleeping medicine this time…

“Also, I got one more item.”

“What item?”

“It’ll feel good if you use it.”

“That’s not something you should be using right now!”

“Um…Ah, found it.”

“This is…a rope?”

“She said that it’ll feel really good if you put it around your neck, and squeeze it tight.”

“I feel like I won’t ever wake up again, so no thank you.”

“Fufu, then just this.”

“Ah, hold on!”

Before I could stop her, Suzutsuki put the handcuffs around my wrists. Waaah, I seriously can’t get out of this. Now I won’t even be able to move my hands while I’m asleep.

“Alright, preparations are complete.”

“…’Zat so. Then let me sleep already.”

“Eh? Why? These weren’t the preparations to sleep.”

“Then what preparations were you talking about?”

“To play doctor.”

“This feels more like a human experiment than anything!”

“But, that’s what all the children nowadays play, right?”

“I mean, you’re not wrong, but…”

“Then, let’s start. I am the sick person, and Onii-chan is the doctor.”

“I’m the doctor!?”

“My phrases will be ‘D-Doctor, you can’t…Not here…Ah, no…I told you no…Ah, Sensei’s big syringe is going into my…’, how does that sound?”

“That kind of doctor play is forbidden!”

“Ehhh, it sounds fun though!”

“It’s not fun at all. Also, where did you even hear these kinds of words?”

“Today at the hospital.”

“Seriously!?”

Is that hospital okay!? Are they using such aggressive treatment for their patients!?

“Ehehe, just kidding. Ichigo-san told me about this. She said that if you really tried anything like that, I should call for her right away.”

“……”

That damn Yandere maid again. She probably is looking for any legal reason to get me arrested. What awful taste, really.

“Oh yeah, why were you that adamant on sleeping with me anyway, Suzutsuki?”

“What?” Suzutsuki looked at me in confusion. “Hmmm…” She thought about it for a bit. “You know, I always wanted a puppy!”

“Huh?”

“And, it was my dream to sleep with a puppy.”

“………”

All my doubts were dispelled. She just sees me as a puppy because of the costume I’m wearing.

“Onii-chan, paw.”

“Can’t do that with my handcuffs on.”

“Then, a moonsault.”

“I don’t have the acrobatic talent to do that!”

“Sheesh, if you stay this selfish, then Ichigo will do a shurgery on you.”

“Surgery?”

“A castration shursheshi.”

“Do you even understand what you’re saying!?”

“Ichigo said that with this shursheshi, Onii-chan will laugh as well.”

“I definitely won’t be smiling, I can guarantee that.”

“What are you talking about? Your knees will.”

“…Knees?”

“They’ll be shaking in laughter because of the fear, she said.”

“She sure says some scary stuff!”

“Ehehehe, castration, castration!”

“I’m begging you, stop chanting that over and over!”

My knees are seriously going to burst out laughing. Still, she really is having a lot of fun, huh. Maybe she’s happy because her dream of sleeping with a puppy was granted? To me, it really is just a nightmare.

“Come on, let’s sleep, Onii-chan!”

“Woah, calm down!”

She forcefully pulled me into the bed. Eeeek, I can’t fully move because of the handcuffs. Not to mention that the second I fell down, Suzutsuki clung to meeeee!?

“Y-Young lady, you shouldn’t cling to him that much.”

“Why?”

“B-Because…Jirou is a boy, and…”

“What’s the big problem? More importantly, why don’t you join us, Subaru?”

“……Yes.” Konoe seemed flustered, but entered the bed.

Of course, she wasn’t clinging to me like Suzutsuki did. She really wasn’t, but…

“……!”

I could pick up a sweet scent right next to me. It was undoubtedly the scent of a girl.

“Urk……”

This is seriously bad. I should go to sleep quickly. Staying next to two girls like this is just bad for my heart. Can someone just put an AED on me to make sure?

“W-What’s wrong, Jirou? Can’t sleep?”

“Y-Yeah, well…”

Konoe must have been nervous as well, as she fumbled over her own words. Must be an after-effect of the kiss, or it might just be us sleeping next to each other. Only an alien would be able to stay calm in this situation.

“Funya…”

Yet, not knowing about how we felt, Suzutsuki was yawning like a child. Alright, just fall asleep now. And then, stop using me as a hugging pillow.

“Hey, Onii-chan, count sheep for me.”

“I don’t mind, but that sure is childish.”

“I am a child.”

“…Alright. I’m counting them. One sheep, two sheep, three…”

“Zzzz…”

“So fast!?”

I barely counted two and a half sheep. She sure knows how to fall asleep quickly. Is that just so much of an effective method? By the way, if I count sheep, I can’t sleep at all. The face of that Silent Sheep just fills my head, so it makes me feel like I’m counting murderers instead of sheep. Because of that, I can’t fall asleep at all. Urk, I need to hurry up and fall asleep myself.

Because she had fallen asleep, Suzutsuki’s grasp on me had weakened, which is why my gynophobia symptoms have calmed down. This is my chance, now I can fall asleep. Right as I wanted to close my eyes…

“…Jirou.” A faint alto voice reached my ears.

I tried to turn over my head, but…I failed. Because Konoe was so close to me, and also because of the kiss that happened the day prior, I couldn’t move at all. Gaaah, why do I still remember it so vividly? That scenery was immediately added to my internal library, playing on repeat despite me hating it. I feel like I’m about to depart to heaven the ideal way.

“W-What?” I asked, while looking up at the ceiling.

In response, Konoe also gave an embarrassed ‘W-Well’.

“Jirou, why do you think the young lady turned back into a child?”

“Why…?” I subconsciously glanced at Suzutsuki sleeping next to me.

There, I found the familiar face of the rich lady I knew all too well. On the outside, she hasn’t changed at all, and yet she now is a young 8-year-old girl on the inside.

“Maybe…what she was troubled about acted as the trigger?” Konoe muttered with a distressed voice. “Ichigo said it as well, right? That the young lady was worrying about something recently. Maybe the stress she built up led to this…”

“……”

That does sound possible. Ichigo-san emphasized this after all. And—I’m related to this.

“Hey, Jirou…” Her voice was quivering ever so slightly, as she lined up her words. “Maybe what Kureha-chan said, that the young lady actually…”

There, Konoe was interrupted.

“Mm…what? Were you calling for me?”

“Y-Young lady, did I wake you up?”

Right as Konoe was about to finish her sentence, Suzutuski seemed to have woken up, as she let out another yawn.

“Huh? Onii-chan, you’re still awake?”

“W-Well, yeah.”

“Can’t sleep?”

“Y-Yup.”

“Hmm…” She seemed to be thinking about something, and continued with a ‘Ah, I know’. “If you can’t sleep, then I’ll give you a charm.”

“A charm?”

“That’s right, a wonderful charm.” She said, and smiled. “—I’ll give you a kiss.”

I couldn’t even bring out my usual ‘Wha?’, as only my mouth opened in shock.

“A goodnight kiss. Did your mother never give you one?” Suzutsuki sounded confused.

I mean, I did get a good night piledriver before, but a goodnight kiss was never a practice in my family.

“Onii-chan, turn over here.”

“…!?”

She grabbed my face, and forcefully turned it towards her, holding me still. Waaah, so close! I could feel her breath on my face…

“Onii-chan…” She spoke up with a gentle voice.

Derechuki-san slowly approached my lips with hers, and—

“Y-You can’t, young lady!”

With a few millimeters between us, dear Butler-kun stopped us.

“Why? It’s just a goodnight kiss.”

“A-Anyway! You can’t! You have to keep the kiss for another time.”

“Ehhh? Then, why don’t you do it?”

“Wha…!?”

“It’s just a kiss. A goodnight kiss.”

“~~~!” Konoe groaned in embarrassment.

A few seconds of silence followed, when Konoe suddenly whispered ‘I-I understand…’, looking at me.

“…Jirou.” She grabbed my head, turning my face towards her this time.

As a result of that, I could see her face up close to me, as well as her antique doll facial features.

“K-Konoe, calm down!”

Gyaaaa, please don’t! I definitely won’t be able to sleep! This is probably more effective than any coffee or energy drink. It’s like I’m taking in raw caffeine. Even though I barely got over the kiss from last night.

“Jirou, don’t worry.” However, Subaru-sama was unexpectedly calm about this. “Young lady, I came up with an even better method.”

“Eh? Really? Let’s do that then.”

“Understood.” After receiving permission from Suzutsuki, Konoe let out a faint ‘Sorry, Jirou’.

…Don’t tell me…

“~~~!”

Just as I had feared, Konoe suddenly clung to me like her life depended on it. She even pressed my face deep inside her chest.

“Y-You!”

I knew it, she’s trying to make me pass out because of my gynophobia! How forceful…Not to mention that my gynophobia’s symptoms were already flaring up because of Suzutsuki’s previous hug. In an instant, my consciousness was starting to fade.

“…!”

Not to mention this sensation! Because I was hugged so tightly, I was pushed into the soft marshmallow zone that was Konoe’s chest! Ahh, they’re right on my face! Not to mention without a br—Gaaaaah!

“…Ahh…”

As my consciousness was drifting away, I had but a single thought in my mind—I’ll probably have some sweet dreams tonight.

1 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masanori_Hata

2 In the original it’s Doki = Earthenware/pottery, and then she says ‘My heart goes doki doki’ (Kill me)

Attack Fräulein

“We don’t know why it happened.”

After Suzutsuki introduced herself, Ichigo-san explained the circumstances with her usual robotic voice.

“As I stated just now, the medical investigation at the hospital showed no irregularities. We imagined that maybe she might have hit her head during her fall, but there were no traces of that. According to the doctor, they were unable to find the reason for this. However, what they could tell us was—That the current Kanade-ojousam’s memories have been reverted back to when she was 8 years old.” She muttered with a tone that sounded like she was joking.

“8 years old…”

The heck is up with that? So she should be…a second-year in grade school? Back at that age, my little sister was already a little monster, often fighting with the neighbourhood puppy. Seeing a young girl slamming a golden retriever with its 160cm right onto the ground was quite the sight, but this isn’t the time to dwell in memories. So if her memories have reverted back to this state…so basically, it’s blocking the newer memories? That sounds like it could come straight out of a manga, men in black making you drink some suspicious medicine. As a result, your body stays that of an adult, but your brain becomes that of a child. Her name—is Private Detective Kanade.

“…Huh.”

Don’t joke with me. Like hell that happened.

“Ichigo-san, stop with the jokes. This is just more nonsense, right?”

That’s right, it’s all made up of jokes and pranks. It’s a party trick from Devil Suzutsuki again. I was deceived countless times before by her perfect acting, but I won’t fall for it again. Even now, she’ll burst out laughing, saying ‘You did well seeing through my act, Jirou-kun’.

“You agree with me right, Masamune?” I turned towards the maid next to me—Usami Masamune.

Masamune knows her true personality, and is dangerous enough for her to receive the name ‘Natural enemy’ from Suzutsuki herself. Made-up nonsense does not work against Masamune. According to the person in question, Masamune can easily see through Suzutsuki’s lies. It’s probably related to a lack of faith and trust in other people, but what’s most important is the potential. As long as she sees through Devil Suzutsuki’s lies…

“………No.”

However, the words coming from the girl were unlike anything I could have expected.

“I can’t. Because…right now, Suzutsuki Kanade is not lying.”

“…What?”

No no no, what are you saying, Masamune-san. Where did your usual nasty rabbit attitude go? Was she bribed by Suzutsuki or something? Did she lose against the temptation of a carrot?

“H-Hey! Why are you giving me such a dubious gaze!? I’m confused, okay!”
“Confused…”

“Anyway! The current Suzutsuki Kanade is not lying. That’s what my instincts are telling me. That’s why, I know it might be hard to accept, but…Suzutsuki Kanade is serious.”

“Wha…”

It felt like I was slammed in the head with a blunt weapon. Then, what? Did she really turn into an 8-year-old again?

“Odd Jobs-san, don’t worry.” Almost like Suzutsuki had figured out my worries, she spoke up with an innocent tone. “I received an explanation from Ichigo just now. There’s no mistaking that I have turned into an 8-year-old. I don’t know the reason why, but my high school self grew younger.”

“Make it sound so simple…”

“It’s fine. I might just turn back to normal soon enough.”

“Well, you’re not wrong, but…”

Wait, why is she cheering me up like this? Not to mention a young girl like her. Why is she so mature about this, simply accepting her own situation…She so easily understood that her memories reverted back? I mean, I get that Ichigo-san explained it, but to think she would keep such an objective view…That’s Suzutsuki for you.

I can see how she was supposed to be clever despite her young age. However, the current Suzutsuki didn’t seem as scheming as before, like she was just any other innocent child. Maybe childish Suzutsuki isn’t so bad…

“Also, I might as well enjoy this.”

“Eh?”

“Don’t you agree? The me right now suddenly received the body of an adult, so I want to taste all sorts of interesting situations.”

“……”

Correction, she already had Devil tendencies back at a young age. Her basic thought process hasn’t changed. The moment she was born, she started seeking out excitement.

“By the way, who are you?”

“Eh, me?”

Suzutsuki pointed at Kureha.

“My name is Sakamachi Kureha, I am a temporary servant at your residence, just like Nii-san, Onee-sama.”

“Onee-sama?”

“Ah, Onee-sama and I are pretty close, so I’m calling you that way.”

“Ohh, I see.”

“But, suddenly changing my way of addressing you would be weird, so…can I just keep calling you Onee-sama like always?”
“Of course you can, Kureha-chan.”

“Thank you very much, Onee-sama!”

The two were smiling at each other like they were friends at a similar age. They really are a good match, especially since Kureha’s personality is pretty childish. That being said…

“Hey, Kureha.” I quietly called out to my little sister.

“Hm? What’s up, Nii-san.”

“I was just wondering, are you okay with this?”

“With what?”

“The fact that Suzutsuki basically turned into an 8-year old. She doesn’t remember us. And despite that, you were talking with her like you usually would.”

That’s right, it wouldn’t be weird for Kureha to feel awkward around her now. I’m a good example. Even if she’s still an adult in terms of her body, her mind was that of a child, creating this grave sense of discomfort.

“Hmmm…” Kureha put one finger on her lips, and started thinking. “She’s cute, so what’s it matter?”

“What?”

“I mean, Onee-sama right now is like a small girl, so she’s just adorable. The way she speaks, her smile, it’s not like the usual Onee-sama isn’t cute, but…I just feel like hugging the current Onee-sama, you know? She’s just so charming.”

“You feel like it, huh…”

I sort of understand what she’s talking about. Basically, it’s the gap. Usually, Suzutsuki had a calm and dignified atmosphere. That now changed into that of a young girl, which made her look more cute. It’s like that one time she was plagued by constant hiccups.

“Not to mention, just because she’s a young child doesn’t mean I can’t get along with her. Didn’t she say so? She might turn back to normal eventually. If so, then why shouldn’t we get along with the current Onee-sama.” Kureha grinned with a warm smile.

That’s the oldest daughter of the Sakamachi family for you, she’s got endless positivity. She’s amazing in that she can see something exciting about this.

“Well, you might be right.”

Just worrying about it won’t do us any good. Exactly as Suzutsuki said, she might turn back to normal quickly, and even if she doesn’t, since the doctor said that they couldn’t explain what even happened, we probably won’t find a way to resolve this all too quickly. Not to mention that we aren’t the only ones worried. Suzutsuki turned into an 8-year-old girl. Since she’s only a child in terms of her mental capacity, she must be anxious in this uncertain situation. If so, then we have to be the ones who have a grip on the situation. That’s why we need to try and get along with Suzutsuki.

“Hey, Kureha-chan.” Right as I was thinking that, Suzutsuki called out to Kureha.

“Yes. What is it, Onee-sama?”

“Can I ask one thing?”

“Of course, ask me whatever you want.” Kureha puffed out her chest in confidence.

Woah, she’s clearly acting like the older sister in this case. She’s probably feeling excited at the thought of having gotten a little sister, right? Oh yeah, she always wanted one, if I remember correctly. ‘I’ll make her my super ring partner!’, she would say. I’m so glad that she didn’t get a little sister.

“Well~” Suzutsuki showed a childish and innocent smile. “Why are you working, despite being only a child?”

“……Eh?” There, Kureha beautifully froze up.

“I mean, you’re the same age as me right, Kureha-chan? Children shouldn’t be working. You need to enjoy your childhood.”

“Y-You’re wrong, Onee-sama, I’m already in high school…”

“Ehhh? Even though you’re so small?”

“!”

“And so flat?”

“!?”

“Really, acting mature like that. But, I forgive you. After all, I’m the Onee-chan. Don’t you agree? You call me ‘Onee-sama’ after all.”

“Nyaaaaaaa!?” Unable to bear with it anymore, Kureha screamed.

…This little girl is terrifying. It’s honestly horrendous how innocent children can be.

“What should I do, Nii-san! Onee-sama is acting like the older sister now! She’s not even wrong, and yet I feel like I lost!”

“Don’t worry about it, she’s just a child.”

“But…but!”

“Kureha-chan, I’ll play lots with you later. What do you want? Play family? Hide-and-seek?”

“Nyaaaaa!? Stop! Don’t treat me like a child!” My little sister was starting to tear up.

You can do it, Onee-chan. This is the trouble of having a little sister, so have fun.

“Well, don’t be so depressed.” I gently rubbed her head.

Because of my gynophobia, I had to stop right away, but if I show kindness and skinship, she might be more kind to me in the future. Like Mutsug*rou-san1, there there there.

“…Mmm.” There, I heard a displeased voice.

When I looked over, I saw Suzutsuki Kanade looking at me. She was pouting like a small animal.

“Not fair.”

“Huh?”

“Not fair not fair not fair. Odd Jobs-san, you’re my servant, right? Then, you should pat me on the head, and not Kureha-chan.”

“Even if you say that…”

“Hurry up! This is an order!” Suzutsuki bit her lip like a small child…Waaaah, why are you tearing up now!?

Do you want your head rubbed this badly!? I really can’t tell what children are thinking!

“I-I understand.” I moved my hand away from Kureha’s head, and placed it on Suzutsuki’s.

Following that, I gently moved my hand up and down.

“Hehe, very well.” She acted bossy, but still smiled happily.

She really seemed like a young child.

“……”

…Crap, how cute can she be? She may be a bit cheeky, but she’s a child, so I’ll forgive her for that. She might not look like a child on the outside, but the innocent air around her is covering what I normally expect when I see Suzutsuki. Just like this, I can see an actual younger Suzutsuki in front of me. And, more than anything…

“Urk…!”

“? What’s wrong, Odd Jobs-san? Why are you crying?”

“N-No, I’m sorry, I was just a bit moved…”

“???” Suzutsuki tilted her head in confusion.

That’s right, she’s just a child. How do I say this…she’s not black at all. She’s not a devil, nor a sadist. It’s like Yamitsuki-san never existed. Damn it…Why did you have to grow up like that?! Enough! I’ll raise this girl! I won’t let anybody take her as a wife! And even if she leaves me one day, I’ll make sure she will choose the right guy!

“…Jirou.”

While I desperately tried to keep my gynophobia under control, enjoying a bit of simple skinship with Suzutsuki, I heard a disgruntled voice from a certain butler…….I’m sorry, all of this just got to my head. That’s why, don’t stare at me like that.

“…Not fair.”

“Wha?”

I totally thought she’d get angry at me, saying something like ‘What are you doing to the young lady!?’, and was prepared to prostrate myself in front of her, but those were the words I heard instead.

“I-It’s not that I’m sulking or anything. Just, doing it only to the young lady is…” Konoe pouted like a child.

Eh? What? Why are my headpats so popular now? Does my palm hold some special power? Maybe it won’t take long for a weird emblem to appear on the back of my hand.

“Why not pat Subaru on the head as well?”

“Young lady!?”

“Come on, don’t hold back.”

“Urk…” Hearing Suzutsuki’s words, Konoe looked up at me with a ‘Jirou…’.

“……”

…Now hold on. What is this? It’s not that I hate rubbing Konoe on the head, but I can’t find myself calming down. Maybe this is just an after-effect from the kiss yesterday. Or maybe I was reaching my limit with my gynophobia. I’m just giving out headpats, so why is my heart racing now?

“Odd Jobs-san.”

“Eeeek!?”

Right as I was about to place my open hand on Konoe’s head, I heard someone whisper into my ear—Saotome Ichigo. The eyepatch maid stood behind my back, glaring at me.

“How long do you plan on playing around with Kanade-ojousama?”

“B-But, the young lady asked for…Wait, something is hitting me! Something sharp is hitting my back!”

Also, she’s pretty much stabbing me already? Something sharp is burying its way into my flesh!

“How cruel, I was giving you a taste of my breasts.”

“Stop lying! Like hell there’s such sharp and sturdy breasts.”

“They’re D-cups though.”

“Like hell they are!”

“What are you talking about? D is for drills.”

“Drill-cups!?”

“Now, a question. What am I pushing against you right now?”

“I don’t feel like doing a quiz!”

“The hint is—chest.”

“Your breasts after all!?”

“You have five seconds to answer the question. Five, four, three…”

“A kitchen knife! A knife! A cutter! Any other weapon!”

“NO. The correct answer is…dinnerware.”

“…Dinnerware?”

“My chest is burning up like the ceramic in the kiln.”

“I didn’t take you seriously just to have that joke thrown at me2!”

I mean, I can respect the hassle. So the D in D-cups stands dinnerware? That is probably the greatest blasphemy I have ever heard.

“Oh yeah, who is that person?” Suzutsuki suddenly spoke up, and pointed at her next target.

Standing there was a girl with twintails, wearing the uniform of a maid cafe. It was the nasty rabbit Masamune.

“Hmpf, it’s a pain, but I’ll explain it to you. My name is Usami Masamune, and I’m a—”

“Kanade-ojousama, that person is a pet.”

“Who’s a pet!?”

“YES. Didn’t Suzutsuki Kanade say ‘She will be a pet from now on’ upon your arrival?”

“Suzutsuki Kanadeeeee!”

“Nice to meet you, Pet-san.”

“Don’t call me pet! My name is U-Sa-Mi, and I’m a temporary maid here at this residence!”

“Newcomer, using casual speech towards Kanade-ojousama…”

“It’s fine, Ichigo. Talking with her this way sounds much more interesting.”

“…Understood, Kanade-ojousama.” Ichigo-san nodded, albeit not really satisfied.

Seeing Suzutsuki’s friendly smile, Masamune let out a cold ‘Hmpf’.

“Hey, Suzutsuki Kanade, I don’t know how this whole memory thing works, but you’re eight years old right now, yeah?”

“That’s what this boils down to, yes, Auntie.”

“Auntie!?”

“Am I wrong? You’re clearly older than me right now.”

“That doesn’t mean you can call me Auntie!”

“Then…Usamin.”

“Why my nickname!?”

“Eh? That’s what Ichigo taught me.”

“…Ichigo-san did?”

In the face of Masamune’s question, Suzutsuki showed a smile, and took out a book. With this flow of events, is this the ‘A Guide On How To Keep A Pet Rabbit: Master It In 5 Minutes!’ again? I grew interested, and took a peek at the cover myself. There, the title that greeted me was…

“‘A Guide On How To Keep Usamin: Master As a Five-Year Old!’’

“The title changed!?”

“It’s fine, I’m older than five, so I can master it no biggie.”

“I don’t want to be mastered by you!”

“Now, time to study. ‘Step 1: Usamin doesn’t have many friends’.”

“None of your business!”

“‘Step 2: Usamin is always in heat’.”

“W-W-Who is always in heat!?”

“Hey, Usamin. What does it mean to always be in heat?”

“T-That’s…”

“Kanade-ojousama, you don’t have to study that knowledge yet.”

“Really? Then I’m moving on. ‘Step 3: Usamin wants more mature underwear’.”

“Wha…!? H-How do you…!”

“Um…the creator of this book is…’Narumi Schrödinger’.”

“That damn loli woman…!!”

Masamune stole the book from Suzutsuki, and tore it to pieces. I see, so that whole thing was a prank on Schrö-senpai’s end. She really loves being childish from time to time, huh. I can see that she would give this book to Ichigo-san. They’re vice and club presidents after all, the handicrafts club network is no joke.

“Don’t be so angry, Usamin.”

“You’re asking for too much.”

“Geez, don’t be so cold. As proof of us making up, have this.”

“…What is this? “ Masamune accepted an object that looked like a ticket, and tilted her head.

Is this…a butler ticket? With this ticket, you can give Subaru-sama any kind of request you may have, right?

“That is…a master ticket.”

“Master ticket?”

“If you use this ticket, you can give me, your master, any order you please. Cheered up now?”

“I-I wasn’t that angry or anything…” Masamune looked at the master ticket, and started thinking.

Master ticket, huh. Maybe it’s like a close relative to the butler ticket? Giving that over so easily, Suzutsuki really is a child. Normally, Masamune would be Suzutsuki’s natural enemy, so that’s like you sent salt to your enemy.

“Ah, Usamin, what mature underwear were you thinking of?”

“…!? T-That’s…”

“Are you wearing some right now? If so, then show me.”

“Why would I have to show you!?”

“I wanna see mature and lewd underwear!”

“Be the child that you are, and read a picture book!”

“Ehhhh…”

“Kanade-ojousama, would you like to have a look at mine?”

“Yaaaay! Please!”

“What do you plan on showing to a child!?” Masamune frantically stopped Ichigo, who was about to lift her long skirt.

“Boring…” Suzutsuki started sulking.

…Children are amazing. If I said something similar, we’d go from being reported to being arrested to a trial to work to consolation money, a solid five-hit combo. Then again, the most amazing one is Ichigo-san, ready to show off her underwear just like that.

But either way, with this we’ve all introduced each other, so that takes care of it…

“Fuwaaaah…” An adorable yawn could be heard.

Looking over, that yawn came from Suzutsuki, who rubbed her eyes.

“Kanade-ojousama, would you like to head to bed?”

“Yep. I’ve been up late today.” She said, and yawned again.

Stayed up late…It’s barely half past 10pm. Do children have that kind of rhythm?

“Kanade-ojousama, let me guide you to your room.”

“Thank you, Ichigo. But, before that…” Suzutsuki walked towards Konoe. “Subaru, let’s sleep together today.”

Immediately after, the two maids went ‘Whaaaa!?’. Of course, I was referring to Kureha and Masamune. I can’t blame them, they still think that Konoe is a guy. They would surely get the wrong idea after hearing that. Suzutsuki said it like it was obvious, but Konoe stood frozen.

“Y-Young lady, that’s a bit…”

“Subaru, you’re ignoring your master’s order?”

“Urk…”

“W-What are you saying, Suzutsuki Kanade! Even if you are just eight, your body is that of a high school student! Of course you can’t do that!”

“But, we always sleep together.”

“Always!?”

“We even take baths together.”

“B-Baths…!”

“C-C-C-Calm down, Usamin-senpai, Onee-sama is only eight right now, so the wall between boy and girl is slim, yes!”

“Kureha-chan, why are you panicking like that?”

“T-T-That’s…”

“Ah, do you want to join us, Kureha-chan?”

“N-No thank you, the stimulus would be too much for me!”

“Stimulus?”

“Anyway! You can’t do that sort of thing with Subaru-sama right now!”

“Is it a bad thing if I sleep together with Subaru, and take a bath together?”

“T-That’s…It would greatly disrupt the morals of this residence…” Masamune muttered, fumbling over her own words.

I guess she must be feeling like a health education teacher right about now. With how little progress she’s making, there won’t be any class soon.

“Move, Newcomer.”

“I-Ichigo-san?”

Ichigo-san pushed Masamune aside, and stepped in front of Suzutsuki. Ohhh, is she going to negotiate now?! Or, maybe she came up with a way to satisfy Suzutsuki. That’s an adult for you, she’s even older than the current Suzutsuki.

“Kanade-ojousama.” Ichigo-san spoke up with a serious tone.

Just what is she thinking? All of us present simply waited for her next words.

“Rather than with Subaru, how about the two of us sleep together?”

“………”

…I forgot. Ichigo-san LOVES Suzutsuki after all. She probably wants to use this chance to do all sorts of things she normally can’t, right?

“Ehhhh, not with Ichigo.”

“Wha…”

However, her desperate approach was denied a solid two seconds later. Despite looking like she was about to fall to the ground in despair, she barely kept herself standing to ask for the reason.

“W-Why?”

“Because you’re a bit scary, Ichigo.”

“…!?”

“And, you’re already a grandma.”

“I am still 29 years old!”

“But, you’re much older than me.”

“Urk…Y-YES, however…”

“And, you probably were planning on acting asleep, taking off my clothes, right?”

“Wha…”

“I knew it. You never change, Ichigo. Do you like naked girls that much?”

“N-NO. I don’t particularly like naked bodies, I just…”

Apparently she couldn’t just say ‘The only naked girl I like is Kanade-ojousama!’ right in front of her, so Ichigo-san could only grow quiet. It seems like she has felt LOVE towards Suzutsuki ever since she was a child. That’s the yandere maid for you. However, even if she may be a child on the inside, she still is a grown up high school girl on the outside, so letting her sleep alone would be best, right…

“I decided.”

Right as I was thinking that, Suzutsuki turned towards me.

“Odd Jobs-san, let’s sleep together.”

“……”

It didn’t even take a second for my back muscles to freeze up. I felt fierce gazes stabbing right into my back—Ahhh, I’m too scared to turn around! It has to be the three maids and one butler! They all have enough killing intent to end me with just their gazes.

“Y-Young lady, please stop joking about that.”

“Why?”

“If we don’t take back those words, my life…wait no, you’re just a child, right? A child shouldn’t sleep with an adult.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

Even I myself knew that my logic was messed up. Does that mean that adults can sleep together at any time? Of course not. But, this is the best I could come up with, so let’s all keep this country’s laws in mind!

“Hmpf. Boring. I’m an adult, you know? Don’t you understand that by simply looking at me?”

“I mean, you look like an adult, yes…”

“Right? Just look at this chest of mine.”

“Stop! Don’t try to shove my hand onto your breasts!”

“Then, which place would you prefer?”

“No place at all! Anyway, I don’t plan on sleeping together with a child!”

“And I’m saying that I’m not a child.”

“…Fine, then tell me your name, with no mispronunciation.”

“Eh…”

“Come on, hurry up.”

“Uuuu…O-Okay.” Like she had made up her mind, Suzutsuki took a deep breath, and opened her mouth. “…Suzuchuki Kanade.”

“Suzuchuki?”

“O-One more time! Suzuchuki…Huh?”

“What’s wrong? Can’t even say your own name right? You really are just a child.”

“~~~!”

“What a shame. I might have decided to sleep with you if you weren’t a child, but you still are.”

“~~~!” Young Suzutsuki started tearing up.

She looks as adorable as a kitty that had its food taken from it, but I can’t be spoiling her now. As long as I can just satisfy Suzutsuki with this…

“…Change of plans.”

“Huh?”

“Did you not hear me? It’ll be a change of plans. Just as you said, I may be a child, so I’ll be fighting like a child would.” Suzutsuki looked up at me, like a kitty asking for attention, and spoke up with a sweet voice… “——Onii-chan~”

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“……!”

This is bad, she really went that far, this small brat.

“Hey, Onii-chan! Let’s snuggle up together in the same bed?”

“………!?”

Uwaaaaaah, stop! This gap is too much! She feels like a child, but looks like the usual Suzutsuki, so the gap is making her look more adorable! This is much more dangerous than her previous ‘hic!’ incident! I knew it, Suzutsuki was always a small devil!

“Ugh…!”

It’s Derechuki-san. For now, I’ll call her this way. It’s her final form, not Deretsuki, not Yamitsuki, but Derechuki-san. Are you from Ma*ross, or Frie*a-sama by any chance? Just how many times can she transform? Derechuki-san is no joke, seriously…

“Onii-chan…”

“~~~!”

N-No, my ability to reason is slowly breaking apart. However, if I agree here and now, I’ll forever be labeled as a lolicon. Farewell my normal life, and welcome to the abnormal. I’m about to open a forbidden door. I need to avoid this at any costs…!

“—I understand.”

This is war after all. The second I decided to fight against my fate, and attempted to rebel, an alto voice interrupted our conversation.

“Young lady, I think you should be sleeping with Jirou tonight.”

“Eh!? Really!?”

“Yes, that is what I judge.”

“Yay! Thanks, Subaru!”

“H-Hey, Konoe!?”

I was the one rebelling against the decision made by Konoe, to the joy of Suzutsuki. Is this butler planning on socially killing me and throwing me out of this place? Sleeping next to a girl that’s barely 8 years old is a crime, you know that right.

“That’s right, Subaru-sama! How could you allow such a thing!?”

Masamune must have agreed with my feelings, as she joined my team to oppose this decision. Yeah, go tell her, nasty rabbit. We’re friends, so I’m happy to have you on my side…

“It’s the stupid chicken, remember!? He may be a chicken bastard, but there’s no guarantee that he’s no lolicon!”

“……”

“Oh yeah, Nii-san, you sometimes look at me with a lewd gaze in your eyes, I feel like.”

“……”

“Kanade-ojousama, give me five seconds, I can finish my operation. I can make sure to remove his dangerous part so that you can sleep together with him without having to fear anything.”

“………”

Um, it really hurts that you have virtually no faith in me, okay? Rather than receiving any support, I feel like you’re going to stab me in the back. Also, Ichigo-san, what do you mean by surgery? Where? Are you planning on modifying me?

“It’s fine.” Ignoring all possible reactions, Konoe simply nodded.

“Seriously, what are you thinking?”

She’s not going to drug me, right? She’s not the yandere maid, but with everything they have at this place, I wouldn’t be surprised if they imprisoned me underground.

“Basically, it would be a problem if the young lady and Jirou slept together, right? If so…”

For some reason, Konoe was blushing furiously, and after a solid three seconds, we found out why that was the case.

“I just…have to sleep with you two.”

“Waaaah, so fluffy!” Suzutsuki seemed in a great mood, as she jumped onto her own bed in her room. Not to mention with a momentum where she could turn the bed into a V shape.

Her room is about double the size of my own room, and it has a really luxurious bed. Hm…such a burgeiouse feeling, really…Wait, this isn’t the time to be admiring this.

“Konoe, are we seriously going to sleep together?”

“O-Of course. That is the only method I could come up with in order to satisfy the young lady. Not to mention…”

“Not to mention?”

“When I watch over you, I can sleep in peace the best.”

“………”

Nobody really trusts me, huh. I mean, I am a boy in the middle of my adolescence, so I can’t blame them. Worst of all is that the three maids were fine with it as long as Konoe slept with us. That’s the Butler-kun for you, her evaluation is unparalleled. If she participated in the elections of the prefecture, she would get a lot of votes.

“Oh yeah, you still have these pajamas?”

“W-What else am I supposed to do!? Everything else is in the laundry!” Konoe let out a sigh.

She wore the same pajama with a cat pattern on it, but with a different color. By the way, I’m still wearing my costume, whereas Suzutsuki wore something like a frilly night dress. Does she not get stiff shoulders while wearing this?

“Alright~”

Together with an adorable voice, Suzutsuki was the first one to slip into bed. Because of the size of this bed, it could easily fill us three people, but…Waah, I’m so nervous. Then again, sleeping in the same bed with two girls might help my gynophobia…

“Ah, I forgot. I got some sleeping goods from Ichigo.”

“Sleeping goods?”

“Yes, Onii-chan. I heard that if you put this on, she’ll sleep really well.”

“…Huh.” I closely inspected the item offered to me by Suzutsuki.

…Handcuffs. They were definitely real handcuffs, not just some random toy…I see, I see. So basically, Ichigo-san would be able to sleep comfortably if I put these on, huh. Still, this is quite the surprise. I feel like Ichigo-san has warmed up compared to before. She’s not making me drink some sleeping medicine this time…

“Also, I got one more item.”

“What item?”

“It’ll feel good if you use it.”

“That’s not something you should be using right now!”

“Um…Ah, found it.”

“This is…a rope?”

“She said that it’ll feel really good if you put it around your neck, and squeeze it tight.”

“I feel like I won’t ever wake up again, so no thank you.”

“Fufu, then just this.”

“Ah, hold on!”

Before I could stop her, Suzutsuki put the handcuffs around my wrists. Waaah, I seriously can’t get out of this. Now I won’t even be able to move my hands while I’m asleep.

“Alright, preparations are complete.”

“…’Zat so. Then let me sleep already.”

“Eh? Why? These weren’t the preparations to sleep.”

“Then what preparations were you talking about?”

“To play doctor.”

“This feels more like a human experiment than anything!”

“But, that’s what all the children nowadays play, right?”

“I mean, you’re not wrong, but…”

“Then, let’s start. I am the sick person, and Onii-chan is the doctor.”

“I’m the doctor!?”

“My phrases will be ‘D-Doctor, you can’t…Not here…Ah, no…I told you no…Ah, Sensei’s big syringe is going into my…’, how does that sound?”

“That kind of doctor play is forbidden!”

“Ehhh, it sounds fun though!”

“It’s not fun at all. Also, where did you even hear these kinds of words?”

“Today at the hospital.”

“Seriously!?”

Is that hospital okay!? Are they using such aggressive treatment for their patients!?

“Ehehe, just kidding. Ichigo-san told me about this. She said that if you really tried anything like that, I should call for her right away.”

“……”

That damn Yandere maid again. She probably is looking for any legal reason to get me arrested. What awful taste, really.

“Oh yeah, why were you that adamant on sleeping with me anyway, Suzutsuki?”

“What?” Suzutsuki looked at me in confusion. “Hmmm…” She thought about it for a bit. “You know, I always wanted a puppy!”

“Huh?”

“And, it was my dream to sleep with a puppy.”

“………”

All my doubts were dispelled. She just sees me as a puppy because of the costume I’m wearing.

“Onii-chan, paw.”

“Can’t do that with my handcuffs on.”

“Then, a moonsault.”

“I don’t have the acrobatic talent to do that!”

“Sheesh, if you stay this selfish, then Ichigo will do a shurgery on you.”

“Surgery?”

“A castration shursheshi.”

“Do you even understand what you’re saying!?”

“Ichigo said that with this shursheshi, Onii-chan will laugh as well.”

“I definitely won’t be smiling, I can guarantee that.”

“What are you talking about? Your knees will.”

“…Knees?”

“They’ll be shaking in laughter because of the fear, she said.”

“She sure says some scary stuff!”

“Ehehehe, castration, castration!”

“I’m begging you, stop chanting that over and over!”

My knees are seriously going to burst out laughing. Still, she really is having a lot of fun, huh. Maybe she’s happy because her dream of sleeping with a puppy was granted? To me, it really is just a nightmare.

“Come on, let’s sleep, Onii-chan!”

“Woah, calm down!”

She forcefully pulled me into the bed. Eeeek, I can’t fully move because of the handcuffs. Not to mention that the second I fell down, Suzutsuki clung to meeeee!?

“Y-Young lady, you shouldn’t cling to him that much.”

“Why?”

“B-Because…Jirou is a boy, and…”

“What’s the big problem? More importantly, why don’t you join us, Subaru?”

“……Yes.” Konoe seemed flustered, but entered the bed.

Of course, she wasn’t clinging to me like Suzutsuki did. She really wasn’t, but…

“……!”

I could pick up a sweet scent right next to me. It was undoubtedly the scent of a girl.

“Urk……”

This is seriously bad. I should go to sleep quickly. Staying next to two girls like this is just bad for my heart. Can someone just put an AED on me to make sure?

“W-What’s wrong, Jirou? Can’t sleep?”

“Y-Yeah, well…”

Konoe must have been nervous as well, as she fumbled over her own words. Must be an after-effect of the kiss, or it might just be us sleeping next to each other. Only an alien would be able to stay calm in this situation.

“Funya…”

Yet, not knowing about how we felt, Suzutsuki was yawning like a child. Alright, just fall asleep now. And then, stop using me as a hugging pillow.

“Hey, Onii-chan, count sheep for me.”

“I don’t mind, but that sure is childish.”

“I am a child.”

“…Alright. I’m counting them. One sheep, two sheep, three…”

“Zzzz…”

“So fast!?”

I barely counted two and a half sheep. She sure knows how to fall asleep quickly. Is that just so much of an effective method? By the way, if I count sheep, I can’t sleep at all. The face of that Silent Sheep just fills my head, so it makes me feel like I’m counting murderers instead of sheep. Because of that, I can’t fall asleep at all. Urk, I need to hurry up and fall asleep myself.

Because she had fallen asleep, Suzutsuki’s grasp on me had weakened, which is why my gynophobia symptoms have calmed down. This is my chance, now I can fall asleep. Right as I wanted to close my eyes…

“…Jirou.” A faint alto voice reached my ears.

I tried to turn over my head, but…I failed. Because Konoe was so close to me, and also because of the kiss that happened the day prior, I couldn’t move at all. Gaaah, why do I still remember it so vividly? That scenery was immediately added to my internal library, playing on repeat despite me hating it. I feel like I’m about to depart to heaven the ideal way.

“W-What?” I asked, while looking up at the ceiling.

In response, Konoe also gave an embarrassed ‘W-Well’.

“Jirou, why do you think the young lady turned back into a child?”

“Why…?” I subconsciously glanced at Suzutsuki sleeping next to me.

There, I found the familiar face of the rich lady I knew all too well. On the outside, she hasn’t changed at all, and yet she now is a young 8-year-old girl on the inside.

“Maybe…what she was troubled about acted as the trigger?” Konoe muttered with a distressed voice. “Ichigo said it as well, right? That the young lady was worrying about something recently. Maybe the stress she built up led to this…”

“……”

That does sound possible. Ichigo-san emphasized this after all. And—I’m related to this.

“Hey, Jirou…” Her voice was quivering ever so slightly, as she lined up her words. “Maybe what Kureha-chan said, that the young lady actually…”

There, Konoe was interrupted.

“Mm…what? Were you calling for me?”

“Y-Young lady, did I wake you up?”

Right as Konoe was about to finish her sentence, Suzutuski seemed to have woken up, as she let out another yawn.

“Huh? Onii-chan, you’re still awake?”

“W-Well, yeah.”

“Can’t sleep?”

“Y-Yup.”

“Hmm…” She seemed to be thinking about something, and continued with a ‘Ah, I know’. “If you can’t sleep, then I’ll give you a charm.”

“A charm?”

“That’s right, a wonderful charm.” She said, and smiled. “—I’ll give you a kiss.”

I couldn’t even bring out my usual ‘Wha?’, as only my mouth opened in shock.

“A goodnight kiss. Did your mother never give you one?” Suzutsuki sounded confused.

I mean, I did get a good night piledriver before, but a goodnight kiss was never a practice in my family.

“Onii-chan, turn over here.”

“…!?”

She grabbed my face, and forcefully turned it towards her, holding me still. Waaah, so close! I could feel her breath on my face…

“Onii-chan…” She spoke up with a gentle voice.

Derechuki-san slowly approached my lips with hers, and—

“Y-You can’t, young lady!”

With a few millimeters between us, dear Butler-kun stopped us.

“Why? It’s just a goodnight kiss.”

“A-Anyway! You can’t! You have to keep the kiss for another time.”

“Ehhh? Then, why don’t you do it?”

“Wha…!?”

“It’s just a kiss. A goodnight kiss.”

“~~~!” Konoe groaned in embarrassment.

A few seconds of silence followed, when Konoe suddenly whispered ‘I-I understand…’, looking at me.

“…Jirou.” She grabbed my head, turning my face towards her this time.

As a result of that, I could see her face up close to me, as well as her antique doll facial features.

“K-Konoe, calm down!”

Gyaaaa, please don’t! I definitely won’t be able to sleep! This is probably more effective than any coffee or energy drink. It’s like I’m taking in raw caffeine. Even though I barely got over the kiss from last night.

“Jirou, don’t worry.” However, Subaru-sama was unexpectedly calm about this. “Young lady, I came up with an even better method.”

“Eh? Really? Let’s do that then.”

“Understood.” After receiving permission from Suzutsuki, Konoe let out a faint ‘Sorry, Jirou’.

…Don’t tell me…

“~~~!”

Just as I had feared, Konoe suddenly clung to me like her life depended on it. She even pressed my face deep inside her chest.

“Y-You!”

I knew it, she’s trying to make me pass out because of my gynophobia! How forceful…Not to mention that my gynophobia’s symptoms were already flaring up because of Suzutsuki’s previous hug. In an instant, my consciousness was starting to fade.

“…!”

Not to mention this sensation! Because I was hugged so tightly, I was pushed into the soft marshmallow zone that was Konoe’s chest! Ahh, they’re right on my face! Not to mention without a br—Gaaaaah!

“…Ahh…”

As my consciousness was drifting away, I had but a single thought in my mind—I’ll probably have some sweet dreams tonight.

1 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masanori_Hata

2 In the original it’s Doki = Earthenware/pottery, and then she says ‘My heart goes doki doki’ (Kill me)