Nikita

Alone in my office, I think about all the things that happened and for the hundredth time, I watch the video that explains my family's condemnation. It kinda hurts that all of this happened and I couldn't do shit.

I know I have blamed myself enough times for it, but one more time doesn't sound so bad. It's simply a reminder of my helplessness that has greatly magnified.

I look at myself in the camera on my phone and wonder if I deserve all this pain and the answer is still the same as yesterday, I don't know. I try to work on packing while the video plays in the background and everything sounds okay until it doesn't.

I finally got something to work with. Without hesitation, I play the video from the beginning because I really need to know if I'm going crazy or if it's true, which would suck, but not more than my life at this moment.

Oh, God.

*******

"How's the analysis coming Yelena, it's been hours," papa says to mama as he comes closer to help if needed.

They're in the lab wing of Todorov hospital, my favorite place yet my current hell. They seem to be working on something and from the chemical combinations, it's not hard to know what they're working on.

The virus that mutates faster than the cancer cells. I know because our parents always talked about the virus and sought my opinion on it. Of course, then I wasn't so mȧturė in the field, but eventually, after the hard work I put in, I can finally understand.

This virus is not just a social experiment for our parents, but it is important to our family. With Yuri's condition, it was hard seeing him suffer so much, so they had wanted to make something that could make my brother live longer, even though he had brain cancer.

"I can't seem to find the right combination, but so far all the tests we conducted have worked out well. The rats are doing okay, that should mean something, right?'' Mama asks Papa, looking for his approval, or the hope that they will be able to save people and most importantly, they will be able to save Yuri.

"It's okay love. Good things take time" mama says before adding, "I've been studying Yuri. our son is deteriorating Dazai and it hurts that I can't do anything to make him better. It hurts that I am a neurosurgeon and my son is suffering hopelessly. What kind of curse is this?"

At that, I can feel my eyes tearing up. I have watched the video more times than I should have, but I never thought about it.

I didn't want to think or understand what I heard. I wanted to think of it like some movie, but now that I'm listening to them, I can't help but feel my broken heart breaking again.

I had made a promise to Yuri that I would make everything better, but now I don't even know where my brother is. What kind of brother am I anyway. Papa looks distressed like he's tried everything he could do and nothing seems to be working.

However the look on mama's face makes him want to get the right compounds to create the virus. It hurts to see them like this, but what can I do? I'm eight months late. Fuck my life.

"We don't have time for Dazai. Our son—" mama says and it takes everything in me not to stop watching because my mama never cries. That woman has been our pillar of strength for so long that it breaks me to know she's hurting and I can't do anything, but what else is there for me?

"We'll fix this love. Don't worry. The universe is watching sweetheart, we just have to keep going. We'll get it right" papa says ȧssuredly to mama but he doesn't believe what he's saying. He doesn't understand what to do.

His wife is crashing on him and he needs to be the support but how can he do that when he's hurting too? Who is he to make her feel better when he had read everything that could be read on brain cancer and hasn't gotten anything?

From what I have learned is that papa studied most of the research on brain cancer and nothing has helped so far. I want to walk in and give them a hug, reassure them that we could do it together, but then I remember I'm not needed in the hospital.

Thinking about the director's decisions pisses me off and I want to go to her office and beg her to let me stay if I have to. I wish there was something to convince her that I won't be inefficient, but there's nothing. So I concentrate on the video before me.

"But what if—" mama says but papa cuts in.

"No what-ifs. I married the best neurosurgeon in ur medical school. I believe in you my love, I believe in us. So we can make this happen, for our son, remember?" mama just nods and continues.

The video shows them spending more time in the library and for one and a half months, they seem to be looking and getting closer to what they have been looking for. The next part of the video makes my heart leap in joy.

"It's done, Dazai. We have spent thirteen years doing research and it finally paid off. Our son can finally live a better life" mama says and honestly, I'm happy too. Yuri would have had a chance. No, my brother has a chance.

The joy on mother's face however doesn't last long because it seems like she is struck by a new realization, making me study the video. All of this was recorded on a hidden camera. Someone was spying on them all this while and they had no idea.

What the hell is not going on. Correlating this with the kill switch victims, I'm smart enough to know someone wanted whatever my parents had, or rather the research, but for what and why would they wait for my parents to finish it up only for them to...No this can't be.

Was I not paying attention or am I just guilt-ridden with everything that has been happening? Instinctively, I get up and confirm that the door to my office is locked because I can't really afford any of this right now.

I hope this is not what I think it is, but somehow I already know it is.

What a pity.