Reforge: The Broken Ideal

The only thing on my mind is the pain; a searing hot pain that has branded itself onto my abdomen. It isn't sharp like a needlepoint or a knife, it burns around my innards better than boiling water. I could feel my whole body heating up as the sweat rolled off my skin. Gradually, I began to lose sight as my vision blurred, but not because of tears. With each passing second, I could feel less and less of my body. I found it increasingly hard to breathe as my heartbeat seemed to slow down, and then I saw nothing at all.

When I came to, my 'consciousness' was floating through an empty space that seemed to have no end. I barely had time to process where I was when I was bombarded with memories from my life. I clutched my 'head' as my 'body' writhed around in agony. It was way too much information for me to process in one go.

After an unknown amount of time, I gradually got used to the pain. Key events began to shape up in my mind, as I discarded everything else. I remember the experiments; all the pain and suffering I had been put through. And yet, strangely enough, I felt no anger. Only sadness and confusion.

"Why? Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this?" I wondered. My whole life I have only ever wanted one thing, and that was to be a hero. So, when I found out that I was born Quirkless and couldn't be a hero...

Well, there was a reason I refused to accept reality for such a long time. I did stupid things liking trying to bend a spoon with my mind, for years on end, without any results. And even then, I still refused to believe...

I hoped for a miracle, and that miracle came to me in the form of All Might; the man who inspired me to be a hero in the first place. When he told 'me', the worthless, Quirkless, me, that I could be a hero -- it was honestly the happiest day of my life. That all the constant pain and humiliation I had put up with for years and years on end, was worth it. That I wasn't the waste everyone thought me to be.

I know that such a way of thinking is wrong; that I shouldn't have lived my life based on how I think others perceive me, but on what I think of myself. I can see that now. I just wish I could've realized that back then.

Perhaps if I had opened up to my mom a bit more...if I had bothered to create a relationship with my dad, then things might've been different, but I was so angry at my dad. Angry that he left me and mom, alone, especially when I needed him the most. But what the 4-year-old me failed to realize is that he is also a human too. He can't do everything, he can't be there for everyone, and like me, he has his flaws. But for me, other than All Might, dad was my hero; he could do anything and everything! That is what I truly believed.

I had this absurd notion, that if my dad was there, he could fix everything. Tell me that the doctor was joking when he said I was Quirkless, and if not, help me awaken my entirely nonexistent Quirk. So, when he wasn't able to do either, the adoration I had for him turned into hatred...in the end, I just looking for someone to blame, because that was by far the easiest thing for me to do.

I'm starting to question what All Might saw in me. How could someone so warped and twisted like me have been worthy of his power? At least Kaachan was honest with feelings, while I have been from the start, nothing but a two-faced liar even willing to use his own father as a scapegoat to keep my precious dream alive.

***

I once read somewhere in some book that the darkness "presses in", but it really doesn't. The darkness c.a.r.e.s.ses your skin like a lover would and whispers excitedly in your ear, "I will never let you go!"

At this point, I have no idea how long I've been here, only the longer I stay here, the less I remember of my past. All that remains is a single image. And I have this feeling when that too fades away, I will cease to be. From there onward, I would no longer be Midoriya Izuku, but a nameless soul wandering about the empty space.

And while that does make a part of me feel relieved, I do not want to forget everything just yet. There are still a few things that I wish to hold onto, like my memories of 'her'.

I can faintly remember the faltering petals of snow, and the distant ever so opaqueness of the full moon. The craven of the sky filled with stars that could only possibly be described as cold, unforgiving, and yet gentle with a beauty that transcends the confinements of language. The white lands, that stretched and grasped all within its reach. Amidst all this, she stands -- an abnormality; giving out warmth like no other, and that beautiful smile...

I was supposed to be the Symbol of Peace, but in the end, I couldn't even save her of all people. I can still remember the warmth in her voice as she said, "If only I could be with you…but this moment will have to be enough."

The coldness of her body as I held her to my c.h.e.s.t. "… I w-want you to remember…e-even if the world turns its back on you…know that I am there, and that I will always…always…"

She struggled even to find the strength to speak. And then all of a sudden, her body seemed to be overflowing with vitality, as she cupped my cheek with her hand, smiling brilliantly, "I will always love you, my dear Izuku."

And then her hand fell from my face, her beautiful ocean blue eyes, lightless...

Her death broke me. The grief I had felt came in waves. First, I couldn't eat, and then I couldn't even sleep. Where once was peace is now an emptiness, echoes of a love that I had put my everything into...

***

I feel like I'm ready to let go now. The despair and suffering from the world that I came from, that took everyone I loved away from me -- well, I would be joining them soon enough though. I would finally be able to leave all this pain behind... I could finally die now. So, I look towards the last image and to my surprise, I see a scene that almost seems like it's from a different life. There is no sense of agony, only a deep longing, and a feeling of loss. I stare dully at the image of a woman in tears wrapping her arms tightly around a little boy with messy green hair.

"Gomenai, Izuku! Gomenai, gomenai!"

Mom…my soul seems to cry out in anguish. I want to go back; I need to go back! I beg you, God, send me back to her!

The darkness shatters around me, but I'm too preoccupied to notice. I stare into the image that now has my full attention. Everything else within the scene is a blur, but the image of my mother gently rubbing my face to comfort me remains perfectly clear within the ambiguity.

I reach out, flailing my arms around like a maniac, attempting to grab a hold of the image, but I am unable to reach it. And then it too crumbles into pieces and disappears into the nothingness.

"Come back!" I hoarsely yell out, but no one answers me back. Even so, I refused to let this memory slip from my mind. I held onto it, with all my might as the tears roll down my cheek and my palms bloody, as I had dug my nails into the flesh. "Please, come back, don't leave me..."