What Do You Mean I'm The King Now??

"Argeias, you coming in or what?" I glance at the centaur, still standing at the entrance. On her face is an expression of shock, her violet eyes blank, her mouth open in surprise. I wave a hand at her. "Hello? Argeias? Helloooo?"

Suddenly, she seems to snap out of her stupor, and I hear her mumble, "Oh, I get it now. The castle's further in. This is must be the cave to get to it." Then with a nod of her head, she gallops towards me, ducking to avoid hitting the low entryway as she follows me inside.

Once indoors, I conjure a small flame in my left palm using, "Ember". Then pointing it to the walls, I fire at several of the hanging candles, setting each alight. Instantly, the space fills with a warm yellow glow. I turn back to Argeias, and, with a sweeping gesture around the room, I say, "Welcome to Lakeside Castle. What do you think?"

I see Argeias slowly turning around, her violet eyes wide and attentive, as if searching for something. Finally, she looks at me and asks, "Is this just the foyer?"

I give her a laugh in reply. "What would we need a foyer for, silly? No, this is everything."

"Everything?" The centaur raises her eyebrows. "There's no secret tunnels or underground passageways? No waterfalls or high arching caverns?"

"What? There's nothing like that. What's wrong? You look disappointed, Argeias. If you're not satisfied with staying here, you can always-"

"No-!" Then realizing she had yelled, Argeias lets out an embarrassed cough and tries again. "I mean, no. This dwelling shall suffice, maggot, I mean, Ash."

Sigh. Well, at least she's trying.

I see Candy run over and grab ahold of Argeias' arm. Then with a smile, the elf says, "Don't worry, Argeias, it's really not so bad once you get used to it. Here, I'll even give you a tour. See over there? That's where we cook and make food." Candy points to a small fireplace with a stove hanging over, held up by a tripod of logs. Then she gestures to a groove along the left wall. "And there is where King Ash and I keep our supplies and...oh! Look there, Argeias! See those lines?" Candy points to two rectangles on the ground near the back of the cave, outlined in white chalk. "If you lie there, it's almost like a bed. Isn't that great, Argeias? If you want, I can draw one for you too and-"

Suddenly, Argeias lifts up her arms, placing her hands atop Candy's shoulders, interrupting her. "That's enough, Candy," she says with a shake of her head, "You don't have to burden yourself for my sake. The fact that you can give me a tour of the entire dwelling without moving a single step says it all." The centaur then turns to me, her brows drawn close together, her lips trembling, with eyes that look on the verge of tears. "Ash, I had no idea," she says dramatically, the expression of pity still on her face, "'Abandoned by your mother at a young age, you became an orphan, roaming the back alleys of Canook, scouring for food to survive. But as an elf in a human city, you were shunned and ridiculed, and so you determined to harden your heart, which over the years grew cold as ice. And yet inside, you still had the faintest glimmer of warmth, so that on that fateful day, that summer more than a decade ago, when you saw that human being attacked, you committed to intervene, slaughtering all one thousand assailants single-handedly with only a single, rusty crowbar, earning yourself the nickname, "Old Rusty." But because of your actions, you were labeled a criminal, wanted by the human governments across all of Panea. And so you fled, taking your childhood friend Candy with you, going into hiding, lest you be sentenced to death on sight.' And so that's why you're hiding here, right, in this cave? I'm right, aren't I?"

I feel my eyebrows twitch. "Don't go giving people random backstories!"

At my exclamation, I see Argeias' mouth drop open in surprise. "Wait, I'm wrong? You mean you're not, 'Old Rusty,' the wanted criminal?"

"Hell no! And who the hell is this, 'Old Rusty'?!"

Argeias' gives me a puzzled expression, scratching her head with one hand. "I don't get it then. If you're not a criminal, why are you and Candy hiding out in such a remote cave?"

"We're not hiding," Candy replies with a gentle smile, placing a hand on Argeis' arm, "King Ash and I live here. This is our home."

"Wait, really? But why though?"

Seeing Argeias' confusion, I find my chance to finally turn the tables. I stick up my nose, and, using the most condescending tone I can muster, reply, "Ha! What's this? You don't even know the benefits of living in a cave? Tsk, tsk. Shaking my head. Kids these days, so spoiled by their buildings, with their fancy-schmancy technology, like 'doors' and 'windows'. Psh, who needs all that. Just look at this cave. See how high up in the mountains we are? Smell how fresh the air is? And it's compact size keeps the warmth in on cold nights, and there's less to clean. Whatsmore, it's tactical. With our altitude, we can easily see any mobs coming. And the small entryway makes it easy to defend. See that, Argeais? And you thought this was just some plain old cave. But we picked this location strategically. Big brain at work here."

Argeias looks at me dubiously, appearing only partially convinced. "Well, I guess that makes sense," she says slowly, "But why don't you just live in an inn or something?"

Before I can reply, Candy jumps in and responds. "Because we're too poor stay at an inn, and the cave's free."

"Candy!" I quickly pull my elf companion aside, whispering to her harshly. "You're not supposed to tell her that! Now she'll think we're broke."

"But we are broke, King Ash."

"And she'll think we're destitute."

"But we are destitute, King Ash."

"And she'll think-"

Before I can continue, Argeias interrupts. "Hold on, you can find inns around for less than a copper a night. Are you telling me you can't even afford that? Just how poor are you two?"

I turn to Argeias, my face dead serious. "This might greatly shock you, but-" I pause for dramatic effect. "-we're completely penniless."

Candy joins in, nodding enthusiastically as she holds up her hand in the shape of an "O". "Yup! We have zero gold whatsoever, hahaha!"

Argeias looks to me, then to Candy, her expression one of complete bewilderment. "Wait, how is that even possible? Haven't you been hunting mobs and selling loots all this time? You should have income from that, right?"

"King Ash spent it all on books."

"Books?" Argeias asks, raising an eyebrow.

At the mention of my rare book collection, a wide grin crosses my face. "Here, I'll show you." I lead Argeias further into the cave, towards a small, hollowed out section of stone upon which sits several well-worn books. At the moment, there are five, each about fifty pages in length, with sizes resembling a standard magazine. I run my fingers over the bindings with care, then pick one out at random. Seeing the title, I smile.

Nice, one of my favorites.

I hold out the book for Argeias to see. "Be gentle with it, okay? This is really precious to me."

And I'm not exaggerating about it either. I've been collecting these books for nearly a year since waking up in this place, pouring every cent of my savings towards their purchase, and I can confidently say that they are my most precious possessions in this entire world.

I hand the book over to Argeias, and she takes it, reading the title aloud. "Staying Ab.r.e.a.s.t?" I see her expression turn curious, and she flips open the cover to look inside. Immediately, her face blushes, and her head shoots up, her violet eyes wide as she makes contact with mine. "T-t-t-t-this is a p.o.r.nographic magazine! You spent all your money on these? Are you an id-?"

Suddenly, she stops, and I see her look down at the book, as if something catches her attention. Her eyes narrow, and then, surprisingly enough, she begins to flip through the book, a look of intense concentration on her face.

"Argeias, dear, you're drooling."

The sound of Candy's voice causes the centaur to freeze. She quickly snaps the covers shut, then uses one hand to wipe her mouth before holding out the book to me. I can tell she is trying to be as nonchalant about the whole situation as possible, but I just can't let this golden opportunity pass.

With a smirk on my face, I say, "Ho ho! You call me an idiot, but you found something interesting in there, didn't you? It's okay, you can be honest with me. You act all disgusted by it, but you're actually 'this', aren't you?" I curl up one hand into the shape of an "O" and begin sliding the pointer finger of my other hand in and out.

Argeias blushes deeply and looks down, her long, white hair falling to cover her face. "D-d-don't get the wrong idea, stupid! It's not like I'm at all interested in that kind of stuff. Stupid Ash! I hope you die!" she yells before galloping off deeper into the cave.

I hear Candy come up beside me. "You shouldn't tease her so much, King Ash."

"Just a little payback for all that stuff she said before," I reply with a shrug. Then reaching into my bag, I pull out a small black cube. "Now come on, let's go open some loot crates. Maybe we'll get lucky and have food for dinner after all."