Amidst A War Of Heroes, Shall A Witch Crash The Party

Inside an abandoned alleyway.

In this place, there seemed to be nothing abnormal, but suddenly the place lit up by a red light that would give anybody trouble to directly look at but after a little bit of time the light slowly became lesser and lesser and when it was completely gone there was a man in its place. The man had black hair and wore a cape and he was smoking from a pipe.

The man looked around for a moment and then stopped smoking and said to himself "Hm, so that was the reason why I was summoned."

After the man had said that he walked away while smoking again.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Suddenly a surge of black prana came behind Gilgamesh's this heralded was for the descent of the final known servant to the waterside battleground. In the 4th Holy Grail war, the Heroic Spirit of fury, Berserker, took the form of a black knight wrapped in a haze that denied all attempts at identification by the Masters and Servants alike. Not that identification was the first thing on their minds, not when the rampaging knight materialized in midair, snatched several of the floating Noble Phantasms, and attempted to eviscerate the golden king with his own treasures. Gilgamesh was forced to close the gates and leap to a nearby rooftop, or he'd be taken out of the game just as Assassin supposedly had been.

The ancient Archer Servant screamed with his face contorted with rage.

"Mad dog, you dare rob your sovereign's treasury? I shall see you put to the sword for your insolence!"

Below, the King of Conqueror's scratched his chin, pondering something. "You know King of Heroes, that's the third time you've set out to punish someone tonight, and yet I don't think you've managed it even once. For an Archer, your aim doesn't seem to be what it should."

Caster interjected: "Well my dear Alexander,"

Caster could barely restrain the laughter obvious in her voice, "one cannot expect a collector who is simply tossing his treasures around to possibly have the effectiveness of an actual fighter. It would be as if I tried to defeat my enemies by tossing my Edogawa collection at them."

Gilgamesh: "Will you two be silent for even 10 seconds? I will execute you when I'm done with this one!"

Gilgamesh, apparently never having heard the idea that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, punctuated this statement by making yet another spirited attempt at murder by way of using non-projectile type weapons as projectiles.

Berserker's response was to start demonstrating his surprisingly vast array of skills for a black monstrosity of steel and magic which could only communicate by screaming, including spear throwing, parrying, the hi-jump, and classical ballet. The end result was a completely unharmed and now even better-armed Berserker, and several nearby structures being reduced to ruins. Perhaps if the bottom fell out in the Grail War market, the King of Heroes would have a home in controlled demolition.

The still floating witch had doubled over with laughter in mid-air, while the others were more interested in Berserker's actual ability than its application in annoying the Golden Archer. Irisviel was the first to make a judgment call, "Everything he touches gains the same black aura he has. Perhaps it's an Alteration effect based around flooding weapons with his od to make them essentially an extension of himself?"

The hidden master of Lancer spoke next, "That would be a surprisingly sophisticated skill for a Berserker. Surely any Spirit capable of such things would be far better suited to another class. Is the Master incompetent, or was it merely a quirk of fate?"

Addressing the floating witch he continued, "Well madam, you're without question the strongest mage here. What do you think it is?"

Caster ceased her increasingly unladylike guffaws and righted herself. While smoothing out the wrinkles in her dress, she responded, "My specialties are more in the realm of Conjuration and Restoration than Alteration, but I believe the homunculus is correct that it would become an extension, and I also think that your theory is validated this power is nominally unsuited to Berserkers. If I had to guess, I'd say he was probably some famous knight who happened to be unlucky enough to be summoned after Lady Pendragon, King Alexander, and that handsome retainer of yours. Or perhaps the Master is merely an idiot who wanted a mindless drone and was incredibly compatible with someone normally unsuited for the role."

Shrugging, the witch concluded, "Either way, to me all that matters is that he makes that arrogant barbarian angry."

It was at this point that Saber decided to speak up for the first time since dismissing Rider's invitation to join his forces, "Which reminds me, Caster, you rather casually declared both myself and the King of Conquerors to be barbarians on level with that rude Archer. Who are you to so casually dismiss those of us who held the titles of King in days long past?"

Caster replied with a smirk: "Ahaha~, I'm nobody important in the grand scheme I suppose,"

Caster took a small puff from her golden pipe and continued: "Certainly no monarch if that's what you're asking. I suppose to you all who cling to your days of past glory I'd be insufferable new money. Well no matter, for my name will certainly come clear in due time. Let's at least have some surprises for the rest of the war."

Before Saber could get s.u.c.k.e.d into the witch's rhythm, Lancer sighed and addressed her from his position behind Rider's parked chariot. "Saber! I think there have arisen a few too many distractions. Would you perhaps mind continuing our duel another time?"

Saber mulled it over in her mind for a moment, taking a look at her injured hand as she did so. Casting her gaze first to the floating witch, then to the divine chariot rider, and finally to the still battling Berserker and Gilgamesh, she finally sighed and nodded. "Very well Knight of Fiana. I must confess I certainly find this atmosphere as unsuited for a duel as you do."

Surprisingly enough, Lancer's hidden Master Kayneth decided not to object to this. At first, it would seem like madness to simply abandon the fight here with Saber crippled by Diarmuid's cursed Gáe Derg. But if one considered it even a moment longer, there were far too many unknown factors here. Best to pull out now and hope some of the monstrous new arrivals kill each other off than to risk the entire war on one great battle royale. Not to mention the fact he was almost sure that Caster could tell where he was, even when his barrier is active. For the moment, he'd accept simply having crippled Saber and identified most of the Servants as an acceptable price for having Lancer's name exposed. Then the present two-thirds of the El Melloi camp (Kayneth's fiance Sola-Ui still being back in their base at the top of Fuyuki Hyatt) departed.

Rider drove his chariot into the air for a better view of Archer's battle with Berserker, and to also position himself next to Caster. "Well miss, given your earlier comments, I suppose there's little point, but I'll ask it anyway: my army could use a mage of your caliber as I set out to conquer this world, would you consider perhaps throwing your lot in with me?"

The witch responded with a derisive snort and a simple response of, "Hmph, world conquest. Such an idea is outdated in this age of the global market and weapons of mass destruction. And that's merely the mundane problems, nevermind the magical ones."

She then paused for a moment and considered something, before adding with an outright perverse smile, "although if you could deliver to me that exceedingly handsome knight of the spear perhaps I'd be willing to help update your strategies."

Where the King of Knights and the King of Heroes would have been offended, Rider simply laughed once more. "Aha! A woman who appreciates beauty eh? Well, I've no command over Lancer unfortunately but... hm... OH, I know!"

He grabbed and raised his once-again conscious Master with one hand, "How about him?"

"RIDER!" squawked the tiny magus, rather offended at the idea of being pimped out to insane witches for the mad goals of his Servant.

Beato looked the presented toy over for a moment before dismissing it, "Eh, too girlish and squeaky. Also short."

"Well screw you too lady!" Waver said, redirecting his righteous indignance from his own Servant to the enemy.

Alexander roughly tossed his Master back into the seat with an offhand remark implying that Waver was probably not yet up to that particular task before continuing his conversation with Caster. "Ah well, perhaps we'll be able to come up with a new deal later. For the moment, I would like to clear up one little misconception you had."

Caster simply took a small drag from her pipe and queried, "and that misconception would be?"

For once, the reply from the King of Conquerors lacked any kind of jovial tone, "That I am someone who clings to the old ways, unable to adapt or understand. Do not forget this witch: I am history's only undefeated general. One does not attain such a title without knowing how to change tactics or reassess one's goals. If this modern age fights its true battles with commerce, then I shall attain my power there. If the endless see we dreamed of in my era doesn't exist, then I shall seek a different wonder. And never, never, shall I attempt to pretend that the rest of history simply did not happen. I am fully capable of recognizing that my empire was destroyed by my heirs, and there are many things in this world which I must learn about if I am to truly assert myself as the ruler of it. Remember that though I was the mad conqueror who charged East seizing land as I went, I was also one who constantly sought new knowledge and gathered many brilliant minds to his side. I am not like that Archer, who believes himself to still be king and god even though his world rotted away many a millennium ago."

Not waiting for a response, he snapped the reins of his chariot once again and flew off into the sky, leaving a pondering Caster behind. The others had paid no mind to the witch or the chariot rider, their eyes glued on the ongoing battle between Archer and Berserker.

Caster merely shrugged and floated down to the ground, approaching Irisviel.

After a few more minutes, Gilgamesh finally accepted that no matter how many times he tried it, tossing the contents of his treasury at Berserker simply was not going to work. He'd have to use his real weapon it seemed.

Gilgamesh: "Alright mad thief, it seems that though you are a mongrel who hides your name, you are not an entirely incompetent foe. As such, you will be treated to the sight of my ultimate Noble Phantasm, the fines-"

And neither Saber, Caster, nor Berserker were allowed to hear to anything further (not that the latter would have cared), as the golden king simply vanished mid-sentence.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

At the Tohsaka's headquarters.

Tokiomi Tohsaka sighed as he watched the command seal on his hand vanish. "Can't let him show off Ea so early, but it still seems to be such a shame..."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Saber sighed with relief as she watched the telltale signs of Masters interfering, with first Archer and then almost immediately after, Berserker vanishing, almost certainly withdrawn via command seals. At last, she could focus on the only remaining enemy plaguing her and Irisviel. Turning away from the previous battleground, she faced Caster, who was sitting at a table drinking tea with Iris... WAIT WHAT?

"What are you doing?" shrieked the previously dignified lord of Camelot.

Irisviel blushed a bit, "Ah well, you see, watching the fight got a bit... boring. And it turns out that miss Caster has some lovely teas..."

Saber: "The quality of her tea is hardly the issue!"

"Oh but you really should try it King of Knights. A fine bit of black tea is good for the soul, and I think all of us are tired of battle for the evening. I can have some British tea fetched if you want."

The witch waved her pipe once, causing another chair to appear at the small table. "Come now, have a seat while I speak with your mistress. It's only polite and also drinking tea is serious business."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Meanwhile, in a nearby sewer, Matou Kariya was, while not dead, certainly wishing he was.